Comeomletmeshowyouhowtodothatconga, Icannotwaitaroundforya’anylongah. FUCK OFF with that old bullshit!

Dear Gloria Estefan-
What is your goddamned problem? We celebrated your latina machisma 25 years ago when you came back from a broken neck after a Jet Ski accident, or whatever you did, by putting up with your awful dancepop…salsarock…whateverthefuck your music is….and not that your songs were so unique that they DEFIED a boxed-in genre….don’t you fucking DARE take that as that, you fucking troll. We’ll call your horseshit “Latin Crossover Pop”. Hell, apparently some people felt sorry enough for you they actually BOUGHT a few of your records (your awful, awful records) because you have enough extra cash floating around the Estefan household you bought into the Miami Dolphins franchise (???).  Are you fucking kidding me right now?I would hope this an April Fool’s ribber, if only it were April. God, how I wish it were April!

Now that we’reall very  done with your embarasing song and dance show, or whatever, here you go getting involved with the hallowed National Football League. The NFL, for fuck’s sweet sake? Gloria? Why the NFL? Isn’t there a AAA baseball team-wait! I’ll bet Florida has three or four pro hockey teams by now. Get invloved with one of those! ALL of those, I don’t give a shit. Football and Gloria Estefan mix like chocolate chip cookies and Clamato. Hey now…that’s a good one liner. I oughtta remember that for future us-now I am swaying off topic here.
Fuck you, Gloria! I’ll bet you’re some massive football fan, aren’t you Gloria. I’ll bet you were doing the Ickey Shuffle, weren’t you. You were rapping along with Jim McMahon and Sweetness when they were doing the SUPER BOWL shuffle, too, I’ll bet. This is sarcasm, FYI. But seriously…
Are you going to try and design the teams uniforms, Gloria? Have your daughters or sons sing and do the cha-cha at halftime? Bring your gaggle of little dogs to the owner’s box, arriving fashionably late and leaving early to beat traffic? Did you hear about the local football team when they made an 8 game turnaround from the ’07 season and everybody was shitting themselves Dolphins’ aqua and orange? Did you think to yourself, “What is this ‘football’ everybody’s going crazy for right now? I should look into that and get involved! ASAP” Have you been unable to break into Miami’s top-notch dinner party circuit and are too apathetic to get into politics? WHAT IS IT, godddamnit!!?!?! Why? WHY???
Why isn’t anybody stopping this? And please don’t tell me that the Miami Dolphins approached Gloria Estefan. Please. I will kill myself in a red-faced baffled rage. Are you trying to fuck Dan Marino, Gloria? If you’re just trying to fuck Dan Marino and lose interest in the NFL after he shoves your head in a toilet after an advance, I can live with that. Maybe he’ll give you a pity fuck and THEN you’ll move on? Buy some car dealerships, or something? Please? Start a Target-exclusive clothing line or design a fragrance? Handbags? Anything else besides pro football? For the love of god?
Oh dear.  Somebody needs to find Mark Duper and comfort him! I know he has to be taking this news hard. At least he should be. Unless he was “Doing That Conga” in the late 80’s…in which case: fuck you, too, Mark Duper! One facebar nancyboy!
See, Gloria? Now I’m lashing out at Mark Duper, for fuck’s sake. The only end in sight is if the Dolphins lose every game for the next three seasons and the town of Miami drags Gloria out of the owner’s box (perhaps in a conga line?) and skins her alive in LandShark Stdium’s parking lot. Maybe they’ll rename it Miami Sound Machine Stadium. In that event, I will have no choice but to start watching hockey or reading books to fill my autumntime Sundays. Shutter to think it.

Hot Mainstream Vampires: You Are Dismissed

I want to know:  when did it become ‘sexy’ to be a vampire, hm?  When did being a vampire become completely unthreatening and mainstream (like punk rock, rap, tattoos and KISS).  Have you seen the original Nosferatu from 1922?  That shit is off the hook SCARY.

Anyone got any nail clippers?

There is nothing attractive, hunky or swooning about him.  He doesn’t have six pack abs and pouty lips.  He isn’t waxing his chest and banging Angelina Jolie.  A real vampire is a creepy old weirdo who wears buttoned-up mortuary salesman suits, stalks you at night then kills you unwillingly by biting the crap out of your jugular. There have been people who for decades now, either actually believe they are vampires or try to be them.  They even go so far as to have implants on their teeth. 

Yah, I live at home - how'd you know?

Fuck, I remember when I was 19 yrs. old and underage I snuck into the Rainbow Room on Sunset and we found this creepy little room at the top of this little staircase in the back.  And inside sitting on benches around the walls were these people dressed up all 80s vampire-y and not making a sound.  Not talking, laughing or even getting fucked up on cheap booze.  The sign outside said ‘Beware Of Hollywood Vampires’.  Then, the bouncer who was supposed to be guarding their little vampire room came in and kicked us out. 

Seriously folks, what is up with the vampire wanna-bes?  You even try to drink blood like it really will make you immortal but it doesn’t.  It just makes you idiotic and disgusting.  Go find a chick on her period and at least make an effort for somebody, ok?  It’s like dumb, white, bored people can’t think of anything else to do and are unhappy with their lame white lives and have to invent these fantasy lives for themselves.  And now, we have to suffer through these people making watered-down, vanilla vampire movies and TV shows that teenage girls angst over.  I mean ‘Twilight’?  You could not pay me in enough man-whores to make me go see that tween wet dream.

Even Anne Rice, fuck you – you’re an overrated writer and your characters suck, and not just blood.  They suck tranny vampire cock.  Now THAT would at least be interesting, and maybe even a little frightening.    Now it’s ‘True Blood’ on HBO.  Please.  I like my vampires ugly, deranged and pissed off as they should be.  They are evil predators of our dreams and need to stay that way. 

Don’t get them all sexed up and worked out – what, did Prince suddenly get a hold of all vampire rights and is churning this shit out?  Next thing you know, all vampires will be wearing purple satin jumpsuits with platform heels and spouting off about gay marriage being wrong.  Yes, I made a connection between Prince and vampires.  Fuck Prince too!  (see other dismissed blog on Prince by MakeYourBananaCry) He used to be a god but crumbled at the altar of mediocrity many years ago.  Just like the evil that used to be vampire.  Hot mainstream vampires:  get back into your Dolce & fucking Gabbana crypts, you’re dismissed.

Green Day, You’ve been dismissed.

Billy Joe, Tre Cool, and some guy that looks like your molester uncle Carl. They were a three piece punk act that brought you catchy tunes about jacking off in a pseudo-british accent when you were young, or a lot younger than you are now. I got the absolute prostate exam pleasure of catching these dictionary definitions of the word “sell outs” on the season finale of Saturday Night Live. Their first song of the night during the Will Ferrell hosted show, immediately dipped my comedy induced boner into a bath of boiling acid. It was entitled “Know Your Enemy”, hmmm, a song about political shit and rebelling against the system, why does this sound familiar? Oh, now I know, it’s like that Rage Against the Machine song about political crap, with a similar, no, the exact same title.. Nothing like cashing in on the nation’s hard times by switching your M.O. (mode of operation for you geniuses) from songs about jacking your sweaty dick to over throwing the government.

I guess masturbation has finally lost it’s fun. And who better to take advice from than Billy Joe, who now looks like Froto Baggins in heavy eyeliner, dressed to go to a My Chemical Bromance concert in his three inch platform creepers, so he can see above the bar top to order his appletini. Speaking of sweet looks, Tre Cool now looks like one of the characters from a Dr. Seuss book, which one you ask? Well, I wikipediaed that shit and couldn’t find anything in the first thirty seconds and then realized how little I fucking care which one, fuck you for asking. The second phenomenally gay song they played was an acoustic “jam” about Vietnam or Apartheid or the price hike on cherry lipgloss. Like the first song, they were not a three piece again. The first had an extra guitarist which is understandable since Billy Joe has gotten far more faggotty over the years, it stands to reason that his ability to play an instrument would diminish also, science. But this one, since playing an acoustic song with three people is about as possible as Webster beating Michael Phelps in butterfly, had three extra guitarists, a douche on piano and one of these three mystery stringmen was backing up on vocals. So, two bassists, three guys playing guitar, hm, Slipknot has fewer members.

Gee, I can’t wait for Green Day to get the London Philharmonic to play old songs with them for a really special album with hot violins and homo vibes. It would be just like that other band that started out as something somewhat genuine and then morphed into a gang of turd burglaring dicks, Metallica. Maybe Green Day and Metallica can all get together for a wine and cheese party on one of their yachts bought with money dirtier than a prom night cock, and discuss how much they hate torrents and how they can better acclimate themselves to the TRL crowd. Green Day, take your pink ties and hang yourselves. You went from punk to punk-pop to Gap dressing room musak to a point of selling out that makes truck stop sodomy look wholesome. You’ve been dismissed.

Every place that is NOT Nitro, West Virginia: You’re Dismissed.

So I learned of a new (to me) place today that really piqued-NO! PEAKED! my interest. That place is Nitro, West Virginia. That’s right; NITRO. Can’t fuck with it, people!
” *Ho-Hum*Just another boring night in Nitro, I guess.” Would that even make any sense?? Not in this universe, pal! Nitro is rockin’ off of the chain 24/7! God DAMN IT, I want to be a part of it all.
Can you fucking imagine the 3,000-or-so awesome meth-fueled 26 year old momgirls who run that town right now? Do you even want to? I do! Have been all day long, in fact.
I’ll bet the life expectancy around Nitro way is under 45. Hope so, anyway. Not because I am some kind of monster who wishes death on people, more that my vision for Nitro is that of confused and extremely fast-paced (literally. Like, doing everything REALLY FAST) living in a browned woodland area. Dangerous. Exciting. Unpredictable as all hell. Hidden from the rest of the world, and why would they give a fuck. Lots of rusted out badass trucks running any/all of the town’s 10 Stop signs at will. Going into the town’s Hardees or Dairy Queen to order just a small Coke with extra straws. The Sheriff is some dude named “Cranky Ed”, whose job it is to thump you over the head if you get too far out of line. Utopia in the Aarvarks…Adirondacks…fucking Apalachies. Whatever those are called.
I wonder if there is a strip club or two in Nitro. What wonderful places those must be. Especially around lunch time during the “workweek”. Do the people of Nitro even have to work, like you and I know it here in Turdsville-Because-It’s-Not-Nitro, USA? Maybe they don’t even work there-holy crap, I just thought about what the 4th Of July must be like in downtown Nitro. New Year’s Eve. FUCK! I want in! I don’t even know if I could hang…
Oh goddamn. I just googled Nitro and it seems they are located in THE CHEMICAL VALLEY, which “at its peak in the late 1950s and early 1960s, was the leading producer of chemicals in the world”. How vague but unquestionably awesome a feat! Those were obviously over-the-table “legit” chemicals. Imagine the illegal chemicals being cooked up there now. Holy cow, I want to go there so badly. Just for a week. I don’t know if a weekend would cut it. If I could hang, I mean. I’d probably be dead in two days. Funned to death. Ol’ Cranky Ed would find my tensed-up corpse in the center of town square on Monday morning, poke my body with a stick, shake his head and mutter, “Whut’a gulldang pussy. He coodn’t hang.”
The town chant doesn’t even need a “GO!” or a “HAIL!” All they gotta do is sternly say their town’s name and there you go. “NITRO.” You say it. See? Gets their point across. The point being: DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS PLACE: WE. ROCK. I get the point, Nitro. I think you probably rule. You have to. NITRO! My stupid ass town don’t even got no town chant, for fuck’s sake. And if we do, ain’t nobody told me ‘bout it none. Some fucking town unity we got here (Not! NIIIIGHTROOOOOUGH!!!?!)
Every place else I know of: FUCK OFF! Take a seat and tip your hats to Nitro, West fucking Virginia. Just the name alone…

Bristol Palin not sitting on my face: Dismissed.

Oh Bristol. Bristol, my sweet Bristol. Look at you. You’re a fox. You’re well-bred, totally eighteen, have totally rocking tits, crazy life experience AND conviction. Kudos to you! You tell ‘em! Don’t let them make the same mistake(s) you’ve made in your young life. I wonder what your scars look like…
Read the rest of this entry »

Congresswomen Virginia Foxx: You are Dismissed.

Congresswomen Virginia Foxx called the sad killing of Mathew Shephard “a hoax”.

Woman, you are dismissed.

Men In Huge Trucks With Peeing Calvin Stickers

I love horror movies.  Even the cheesy ones.  But one of the most horrifying things that I must constantly be exposed to and appropriately recoil in terror from are men who drive those huge trucks that are totally lifted with the tractor tires, with the ear-splitting race car engines & custom paint jobs – often wearing those awful, popular-in-the-80’s  wraparound mirrored sunglasses. 

Huge tires = huge penis? I think not.

Boz, you gave us so much: those sunglasses, that hairstyle, nightmares...

I think to myself:  Is this a well thought-out moving vehicular paen to mullet culture from days gone by?  Or, perhaps, are they all somehow related to a pro-wrestler?  Maybe they’re on their way home from jail after serving 5 years for spousal abuse or a DUI/gang rape after an out of control kegger party?  I don’t know, and I probably never will.  And come to think of it, these are also the same trucks and people that sport those repulsive Calvin-peeing-on-things stickers.

Lurleen - this is NOT going to look good in divorce court, ok?

Calvin urinating on a Dodge emblem.  Calvin urinating on a Ford emblem.  Calvin urinating on a Chevy emblem.  Calving urinating on Osama Bin Laden.  Calvin urinating on France.  Calvin urinating on Iraq.  Calvin urinating on gun control.  Calvin urinating on Nike.  Calvin urinating on Spam.  Calvin urinating on Satan. 

But then, conversely, you’ll see the opposite sticker (maybe on the abused wife’s car) of Calvin knelt down before a big Christian cross.  Now, what the hell is the connection between a slightly devilish imaginary cartoon character boy, poor urination habits and a devotion to Jesus?  I’d like to have been in that marketing meeting…

 

“Chad, get Bill Watterson on the line…you know, the comic nerd who draws those Calvin and Hobbes cartoons.  I’ve got the most groundbreaking idea…it’s going to impact our entire culture and change the way Americans express their aggression towards enemies as well as their deepest, most cherished religious beliefs.  I thought of it in the can while I was reading one of those free Gideon bibles that I stole from Doubletree Inn during my last business trip to Tulsa.  USA!  USA!  USA!”.

 

I do not want to know where that thumb has been.

If they really wanted to expand their marketing empire, they’d create a sticker of Calvin urinating on a Scientology symbol.  Tom Cruise would be so mad that he would go on national television blasting the stickers all the while creating massive exposure and sales for them. 

 

Well, he’d go on television AFTER John Travolta had finished urinating in his mouth.  You see, he’s only mad because HIS sticker will never come out.  

 

Anyways, back to the trucks…and speaking of said trucks, often they usually have another frightening aspect:  the girl that is sitting in the middle of the front seat, right next to ‘her maynnn’. 

 

Why do I want to kill babies when I see this?  Because I’m afraid they will grow up to be one of these vacant slabs of white scroti. 

 

'Yeah, me and my shirtless man-friends go out in the woods for days at a time, alone with each other, no women allowed'.

Besides, what’s the purpose – is it for this homophobic, uber-masculine specimen to prove to his friends that he’s really not gay?  And… these are usually those dudes who whistle and yell at girls walking down the street or just walking by wherever they are.  Tell me….does this ever REALLY get you laid?  Or is it just some outdated male bonding thing to prove that you like girls instead of your friend with the nice thighs sitting next to you?  Oh wait, that’s your GIRL sitting next to you.  You were daydreaming about Chuck again, weren’t you?

 

Better cruise down to West Hollywood tonight and beat down some fags to prove that you don’t really watch Rachel Ray or secretly think that guy from the show Tool Time was kinda cute with his scratchy, trimmed beard and flannel shirts and all….Or, maybe you could just urinate on a picture of Chuck, right?  NO!  Wait – that’s still giving you an erection!  Hold on…you could just buy a STICKER of a comic character guy peeing on a symbol of your hatred!  Don’t worry, I’m sure that there is a Calvin-peeing-on-Clay-Aiken out there somewhere.  Much easier, less thinking, aroused homo thoughts gone…Time to wax the trucker (oops, I mean truck) and polish the tires. 

Now get the fuck out of our mainstream culture, you’ve been dismissed back to the cretinous swamp you originated from.  Don’t forget to trim the webbing from between your toes before gittin’ into the swing of things again.

Motorcycle Helmet Mohawks: You have been dismissed.

Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? I see them all over the freeways these days. I really hope their militant indian guides. But I know sadly their just loveless zit assed asphalt chum. Dismissed.

(In honor of Earth Day) Global Warming; you have been dismissed!

Welp! That solves it.

Thanks for the great reporting over there at The Sun, we now know that Fatties cause global warming and can all go home now.

While our excessive appetites for destruction and cravings for consumption are more likely candidates, the real message here ought to be that the pursuit of healthy living would do a world of good.

In this spirit, I’ve included several links (below) where you can get up off your fat, lazy ass (or not) and contribute to the solution instead of the problem. 

http://www.wecansolveit.org/

http://repoweramerica.org/

http://www.windenergyworks.org/

http://www.awea.org/

http://www.carbonfootprint.com/

http://earth911.com/

http://stopcorporateabuse.org/

http://www.epa.gov/

Donate. Get Involved. Sign a Petition. Learn Something. Increase Awareness.

(feel free to leave other helpful links in the comments)

Parents who bring their Babies to Coachella Music Festival: You Have Been Dismissed.

I never really had a chance. My parents raised me at Coachella music festival. .

This past weekend I spent my time in Indio in the Califronia desert for the 3 day annual Music Festival. Millions of people pour into the area, to let loose, get generally retarded and bake in the sun while watching the best of what music has to offer. This is no place for your baby. Babies don’t watch this, leave ‘em in the streets.

While most of these babies I saw were well under 1 year of age. Meaning, that possibly these babies were conceived at last years concert and the parents couldn’t wait to bring the baby back to the scene of the crime.  I’m going to make a few calls and see if next year they can have a child protective service woman at the gate for all these fools who bring their new born babies to this extremely un baby proof event. They need to take these babies away quick, they deserve better. With  my Jesus phone I was able to document some of this tragedy.

This baby was unattended and tried to cling to a sleeping stranger (at bottom of frame). With in ear shot of this new human was the Murder City Devils. The napping father could be seen slumped against a fence not really paying much attention to his baby.

This baby doesnt’ have a chance, they already have it in tiva sandals.  Baby legs, extra crispy.

This photo is a lot to take in. The father seen in the long skirt and the Milf wife seen bending down to push the baby back on the blanket. Both parents seemed well out of their minds while dancing to the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s.  It was hard to watch.

This mother and and baby had an bit of a fight at the bathroom station. The baby was heard giving a good argument about the state of her future and how she was uncertain her mother would be able to provide a sheltered enough existence for her to grow into a respectable young woman.

Please people, if you can afford tickets to Coachella, you can afford a baby sitter. Get your head on straight. Get your baby on, or you party on, you can’t do both at the same time.  Party people with babies, Congrats you pooped out a living being, now you are dismissed to go stay home and take care of it so it doesn’t rob me in the future. Thanks.