BMWs: You Have Been Dismissed
Posted: November 17th, 2008 By: The Understated | Under: Automobiles, dismissed | Tags: bmws, cars, sluts
Whenever I’m driving and I see a BMW – any model, no matter where I am – I try to give it a wide berth because I know the driver is about to do something stupid. How do I know this? Because they’re driving a BMW. What I really should do is quickly pull my car over the side of the road, close my eyes, put my head on my steering wheel and then count slowly to thirty, only opening my eyes and beginning to drive again when I’m sure they’re gone; that’s the only way to really be safe.
Yes, I hate BMW as a company, and not just because they partially funded Hitler’s attempted extermination of the Jewish people back in the day, because hey, who didn’t? No, I hate them because of the people who drive their cars. Two douchebags racing each other down Los Feliz Boulevard at 3:30 in the morning blasting techno dance remixes of already completely lame pop songs? Sure to be driving BMWs. Some idiot impotently honking at the car in front of them and revving their engine in the middle of a traffic jam? Undoubtedly a BMW driver. The fool at the cheap automated car wash taking up a stall while he painstaking details his hubcaps with a toothbrush? Now that’s a BMW connoisseur.
I don’t know why people who drive BMWs are all idiots who race towards stop signs and cut off other cars as if they were rushing their hemorrhaging child to the hospital, instead of what they’re really doing, which is heading to Coffee Bean to get their second iced vanilla latte of the day. I don’t know what exactly makes a BMW driver stupider than, say, a Lexus driver or a Jaguar driver, two other pointlessly expensive cars. And, having never driven a BMW myself, I guess they could be perfectly fine vehicles, though from what I’ve witnessed their steering systems have an unfortunate propensity to veer in and out of lanes and their braking systems tend to lock up whenever a somewhat underdressed teenage girl is walking in the vicinity, at which time the car’s horn also begins malfunctioning. No, BMWs may be decent automobiles for all I know. However, by marketing their seemingly average product to the lowest common denominator of the wealthy, status symbol-obsessed segment of our already grotesque population, they’ve negated any functional purpose they might serve and are hereby fucking dismissed.
(Also, as an added bonus for my first post on here, Incorrect Use of the Semicolon? Maybe You Could Be Dismissed? A colon is traditionally used to denote a salutation or title separation, whereas a semicolon is almost always used to link independent clauses, which doesn’t really apply here. Just saying.)
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| 11 Comments »
I think spinning rims need to be dismissed next.
I know someone who owns a BMW, he parks across 3 parking spots, he also parks in the handicapped parking. He likes honk in the fashion of Chinese Water Torture at people. Hell is other people, and Mega Hell is other people’s Driving skills.
I think you accidentally just dismissed the entire city of Glendale, which really is fine with me.
We should also dismiss the girl in the picture or give her some FOOD!
yes dismiss her and send her to the bacon dumpling lair for devouring
Do you think when she drives her ass sticks to the leather interior?
Do you think its hard to drive in those High Heels?
Do you think its hard for her to conceal her barf in her hand bag while driving 120 mph? Do you think Bacon Dumpling would really devour her?
I’m calling bullshit on your Bacon Dumpling. I know your type better than I know my own mother.
This post shames me. Up until recently I owned a wonderful 2002 BMW m3… wonderful except for the thousands of dollars in repairs.
Fuck Bavarian Motor Werk all to hell. I hate you so much
I would never date someone who drove a BMW. I’m adding that to my ‘do not date’ list. Nothing says ‘Tool’ better than a man in a BMW. Dismissed!
It’s like your talking right TO me. I apologize for living.
And I thought I was the only person who had noticed. By and large, BMW drivers tend to be dicks. Not all…just most. That make of automobile stopped being fashionable about twenty years ago.
Let’s see – also include, in the moron category: Fixie riders, hotdog motorcyclists, sense-of-entitlement SUV drivers, and worthless pedestrians who cross as s-l-o-w-l-y as possible in front of you. And let’s not forget brain-dead motorists whose speakers hurt your ears with their windows rolled up.