Everyone I Have Ever Dated; You Have Been Dismissed

Ok buddies, I know its not your fault that I have poor judgement. I really do. But help me out here…

Look, I know that collectively, you were homeless, jobless, alcoholic heroin addict, trust fund brats with bad hygene. I know you just want to shred on your guitar, bang other broads and race your sweet, sweet dirt bike. I know you have mommy issues, daddy issues and are well versed in squatters rights. You dont know the difference between david bowie and neil diamond and think that locking me in a room with you and playing me a song you wrote on the piano about how I’m a bitch and ruined your life will get me to come back to you (which remarkably happened twice with different dudes).

Someone needs to tell you that choking, slapping or tying a lady up without her permission is not cool; that dumpster diving is not a date; and you can’t make someone love you by crying. You need to disclose the fact that you have been diagnosed to be clinically insane on the first date. And for godsakes, don’t tell me you really really want me to be your “secret girlfriend” while I’m telling you I dont want to see you anymore.

Everyone I have ever dated, I do not want to know what your therapist tells you. Get a job, get a car, find some dignity and stop calling me: You have been dismissed.

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