Garnish. You’ve Been Dismissed.

Posted: December 1st, 2008 By: The Taint | Under: Something I Ate, dismissed | Tags: , ,

Dear Garnish-

I hate to break it to you. But someone has to let you know.

You’re a THIRD WHEEL. You’re a $$23 Million Dollar US Enterprise Wasting Food, Farmer’s Time, and Natural Resources. Get a date with someone who needs you.  Get off my plate.

Let me compartmentalize it in the following manner:

  1. Define “Third Wheel”
  2. Explain What You’ve Done To Warrant It
  3. Describe What You Can Do To Make A Change

Numero Uno: Third Wheel Is Defined As The Following:

  • One who deters the socialization of a couple, perhaps when being invited out of pitty or through a feeling of duty. They may be eased into the situation by being allowed to stay in an environment he or she has become accustomed to (perhaps a kitchen, where the third wheel can bake cookies for the couple.) The third wheel may feel uncomfortable about watching the couple canoodle, but none of this is taken into consideration.

Numero Dos: By now, you’re probably asking yourself, “I don’t deserve this!…Why ME?”  Below are just a few examples of your inedible disguises.  Consider a career change.

  • You’ve ruined my date with Breakfast and my relationship with Denny’s. You take up space as Curley Parsley next to/on top of/ hidden in my Eggs and Bacon. Do you ever wonder why you are the only thing on my plate left behind?  Your grassy knoll texture is not welcome here.
  • You’ve orange-blocked my love affair with Pancakes by oozing your liquid into them. I’m forced to kindly request your exclusion– yet the chef, so accustomed to your presence – never fails to challenge my relationship with my meal.
  • I don’t know how you’ve done it – but you’ve managed to be two places at once – both a whole Grilled Pepper [Too spicy too eat] and a full Grilled Roma Tomato [which should really only be eaten stewed], taking up ½ my plate – leaving little room for what I actually ordered.
  • I applaud your Georgia O’Keefe ambition [But, please stop] and become violently angry at the sight of Syrupy Maraschino Cherries in Alcohol or Full Dried Chilies on top of Specialty Curries.


Numero Tres: In the words of the 70’s Disco sensation, FOXY,   “GET OFF!!

  • Garnish, get off my food.
  • Let ME Get Off with my meal in peace.
  • Be a part of the meal, instead of on top of it.
  • Or be of use not useless.


As for your current Role in the World - You’ve been dismissed.

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3 Comments on “Garnish. You’ve Been Dismissed.”

  1. #1 MakeYourBananaCry said at 5:18 pm on December 1st, 2008:

    Yes! It took balls to dismiss this useless food item but beware! Garnish is a huge industry so it might be best to lock your doors, check your fridge and watch what you put in your mouth. Garnish will now be out to get you and I’ve heard that their paybacks aren’t very tasty as well as potential choking hazards!

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  2. #2 meat hat said at 5:33 pm on December 1st, 2008:

    Bravo, I hate garnish, I’m glad you taught it a lesson.

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  3. #3 Jesus Is My Middle Name said at 1:30 pm on December 2nd, 2008:

    it makes me want to throw up.

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