BFFs: You Have Been Dismissed

Every time you turn around, life throws you another shitty obligation to catch like a gypsy’s baby at a train station. Bills, calling your mother, child support. Can’t a motherfucker sit on his couch and beat off watching a house marathon and just chill? The Answer is no. Because just when you get the lights turned off and make sure the blinds are closed, some motherfucker you’ve known for 20 years calls you on the phone with some problem they expect you to fix. And you have to put your dick down and listen, becuase that person is your BFF.

Like all things that start off good and go horribly awry, The bff seems like a great idea…at first. Its awesome to meet someone you like spending time with who shares your interests. You drink together, go to the same parties, help eachother move. Then, inevitably you grow apart but you’re already invested in the relationship. You aren’t just going to kick someone to the curb because you could give a fuck about partying and hes so far up the cobrasnakes ass hes roomates with his lunch. You continue to see eachother some times while still claiming bff status.

But things change. You start to fell hostile toward new people in eachother’s lives.  You help other people move. You rearrange their status in your top 8. Sure, you still claim BFF but its the mummy of friendship; slow moving and wont die. I hate obligation so I’ve put together a list of rules for when you can cut a bitch off your BFF list:

1. If you haven’t seen the person in 6 months and they live within a reasonable driving distance. I define reasonable as in 20 minutes in the car (including the time it takes to put on your seatbelt).

2. They invite you out and you don’t want to go…ever.

3. You don’t know any of thier new friends

4. You dread going to thier art show/poetry reading/concert because its too hard to keep pretending they have talent

5. You are embarassed to introduce them to anyone new in your life because of thier raging drug problem.

You don’t really need these rules. Just being sick of a motherfucker is good enough reason to cut them loose. You might know that I pissed myself during the pledge of allegiance in the 3rd grade but that does not mean I’m shackled to you for the rest of my goddamn life. Theres a word for that and that word is blackmail.

We are adults, we don’t need friends. Thats what alcohol is for. Best Friends Forever, you have been dismissed.

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