Potluck Dinners: You have been Dismissed.

Look, I know you touch your junk all day, I touch my junk all day. I’ve met your girlfriend, I know for sure she touches her junk,  and I don’t want to eat her vegan meat loaf.

I understand the economical reasons for a potluck dinner. In these rough times they make sense to collectively come together to provide a decent meal. But, I also know that the lady at work who comes in every day covered in cat hair isn’t going to excite me with her flan.

People are gross. The people you are friends with and work with are repulsive when left alone, and you don’t want them touching your food. Its hard to know what horrors live in other people’s  kitchens.  I take out the guess work and just judge by the standard of my kitchen. If I were you, I wouldn’t eat anything that came out of my kitchen. I have X-files action figures in my fridge and a barrel of monkey’s barrel in my spice rack. I’m pretty sure all my cookware came from botched potlucks of the past.

Foods of the world? When Mexico, Italy and China all get your belly at once it creates World War ass to the floor and it never ends up pretty. Always make sure your toilet is working properly when hosting a potlucked event. I once spent 40 minutes praying to God for a toilet to flush.  To be frank, there is no god and there was no flush.

Undoubtedly, there are always the over achievers that fuck everything up by making something too complicated and it turns out gross. Don’t make people pretend to love your cooking. I know you can’t program your phone messages at work, so I can’t help but laugh when you tell me you made Crème brûlée?

NOTE: Never tell me your grandma used to make it. All I think about is how dead your grandma is and what sex must have been like during the civil war.

At potlucks you can always count on the guy who just bails out and brings KFC. You know what? The KFC guy always gets the praise so stop pretending to be a cook in the kitchen, we all know no one cooks anymore, and if you do, its a home experiment that shouldn’t be tested on friends.

Potluck dinners, You have been dismissed, you make me  uncomfortable and you’re gross.

Tip: Wine, cheese, bread, whisky, hangers and condoms. Bring it.

No related posts.