2008: You Have Been Dismissed. [Get To Know The Writers] A MUST READ!

Posted: December 26th, 2008 By: meat hat | Under: Clothes, Politics, dismissed, people | Tags: animal abuse, boss, broken hearts, bush, congress, high fructose corn syrup, i hate my boss, Kids, medical system, nike dunks, obama, palin, puppu cam, racisim, savings and loan, staycation, west coast choppers

2008 is full of dismissible Things and events, let the group of dismissed writers break it down for you.

To the writers, if you haven’t already added, please edit this post and add your dismissal.

Wally George: 2008 will be known as the year that America called up the UN and told them they can have the title of World’s Best Country back. The Krauts might as well start building their wall again to protect themselves from the flying debris of John Wayne, Ronald Regan and everything that made this country great. We elect a “community leader” president who promises to bring down the American tradition of hard work and make everyone the same, how cute. We bail out the banks, the auto industry and anyone who wants a free ride.  Very soon you will be getting a pay check from the bank of Lenin and driving a Chevy Stalin that runs on pussy farts. Oh and then you will go to the Hillary Healthcare Clinic where every ailment is cured with hopes and dreams instead of doctors who became educated without the benefit of affirmative action. This is the future, my fellow Americans, 2008 is the beginning of the end and I can’t build my bunker fast enough.
Socialism and you God damn Commies, dismissed! Get off my show!

90096me: I joyfully dismiss racism and the old cultural attitudes that wouldn’t have elected an African American president a few years ago. Gone is the bias and outright ignorance of people that would judge a man by his skin color rather than his ability to raise 2x more money than a white guy.

Is electing Obama a form of spiritual reparation? …Not for me to say. But, I dismiss the old white-man establishment mentality that’s run this country for well over 200 years and I’m proud to have cast my vote for “One of the 25 Coolest Brothers of All Time.” He got next.

Bacon Dumpling: West Coast Choppers; You Have Been Dismissed.

“Hey Jesse James, we need something to spruce up our all black and hispanic neighborhood (except for me), maybe since you have your infamous motorcycle shop here and spend regular business hours (in the safety of daylight) around, do you think you could help us out?”

Ohhh awesome. A gigantic IRON CROSS, neon at that. Well to make up for this little overt racist gift to the neighborhood at least you have some nice holiday window splash covering the entire front of your shop with 8 foot high letters that says SANTA IS FAKE. Fuck man, you’ll show those idiots who believe in Santa. Wait, nobody over the age of 5 believes in Santa, oh I guess that makes you the WORLD’S BIGGEST FUCKING DICK THEN.

Desko Fipps: I am dismissing my previous, idiot, foreign boss who ran my last department in the fucking ground, and wasted nearly 10 million dollars in the process. The joke is really on him… he’s going to be 50 years old and nobody will be around to throw him a party, it will be just him, some skanky strippers at an IHOP in Van Nuys and a short stack with a candle in it. I am certain that his administrative assistant that he shit on for the past 8 months will just forget to send his paperwork for his visa, and somehow she’ll manage to get him permanently added to the no-fly list. Little does he know that I skimmed about $200 worth of change from his office and spent it on soda each day for the past 8 months.

JerkStore: I’m dismissing my animal abusing neighbor. This bitch claims to “love” animals. She loves her bird and her two dogs so much, they live their entire existence outside. Her bird squawks all-day long and bites at the cage freakishly, while the two dogs anxiously pace the yard in hopes of someone coming home to acknowledge them. The bird at least gets covered at night while the dogs, sad and cold just howl and bark…all…night…long.

Weather doesn’t matter. Hot, cold (right now its 47˚), raining or hailing the animals spend the night outside miserable and depressed. Usually the crying stops around 2am or maybe the dogs consistent barking made their throat too sore to make any more noise. Either way its heartbreaking and the city will be hearing from me.

There is a place in hell for this bitch and her family and I hope when Lucifer sicks his pitch fork up her cunt…he goes in sideways.

Jesus is my middle name: I am dismissing PUPPY CAM, not because I don’t think it is cute and fun to watch, but because I believe it to be the reason so many people lost their jobs right before the holiday seasons. Those puppies are just so damn cute you can not turn your eyes away for a second. I know I spent many hours I should have been working watching the live feed. I find myself checking it out even more now that I am one of the millions to be laid off.

Makeyourbananacry: I dismiss all the guys I dated in 2008. Please take your excessive drinking, pill popping, sexual performance and intimacy issues straight out the door and outta my damn life. I dismiss my Mom for voting for McCain, my 401k for dwindling, party crashers who drink cocktail mixers with no alcohol, high fructose corn syrup for being in every fucking thing I eat, the homeless dude at the intersection of Sunset Blvd-Hollywood Blvd-Virgil Ave who bangs loudly on my window for change.

I also dismiss the TV show “Magic’s Biggest Secrets Revealed” for being the biggest douche of a show in 2008…I mean c’mon isn’t anything sacred?!

Meat Hat: I’m dismissing people who in 2008 had a baby. What impulsed you to bring a helpless kid into this world in these uncertain times? With so much going on in the world, and America on the slippery slope to no mans town, did you really need to bring another dip shit into the world? Congratulations, and now that you have a kid, please educate it, love it, and never stop slapping the shit out of it. We need smart people in our future, I don’t want to be old, alone and robbed every time I go to get a slurpee.

Kids have to grow up too fast these days, it isn’t fair.

Also, thank you for putting an end to naming your kids retarded thing like Apple and Snorkel. The number one name this year was Jacob for Boys and Emily for Girls. Seriously, stop having babies.

Mojo:

The contents of this year have spurted into the air like a majestic, flaming fountain of shit, rising up over the world and coating us all in its burning shit-napalm. The situations in Afghanistan, Zimbabwe, Congo, Iraq, Thailand, and Sudan are all completely shitty. The world economy is like a steaming pile of horse manure. And the Bush administration have been the schmucks who turn on the big fan and whip the shit into a frothy, whirling shitstorm. First, the Bush administration is fucking dismissed.

My own personal year of shit started with a broken heart. Well, little lady, it’s time for the party to start. I’m fucking free and I plan on enjoying being single till the remnants of what were my body and mind are a smouldering wreck. You Are Dismissed. Also, the practice of looking at exes’ social networking pages is dismissed, goddamn it.

Lastly, Fuck The Shitty American Medical System. I pay for health insurance like a good little drone, but when I broke a bone the medical industry lined up and one-by-one, they skull-fucked me with a rusty pitchfork. Medical insurance, you’re dismissed.

2008, you flaming one-dollar-burrito-shit of a year, I wish I could forget you. We’ve sunk so far into your shitty depths, there’s no way to go but up. You’re dismissed.

Morpheus:

I, Morpheus, hereby dismiss my savings. You were my funds and I hoped to spend you on things like my kids’ education, home buying and a distant retirement. Now that I’ve watched you dwindle inside of my 401k and stock account by over 50% and it looks like that could continue, I say farewell to you.  Good day.  Au revoir.  Wish I had more time with you, didn’t even get to blow you on stupid stuff like a rad flame thrower. I don’t know why I even thought about being financially solvent.  That is un-American.  Thanks economy for helping me drift closer to my fellow countrymen in debt.  I feel much more patriotic.  So, again… goodbye savings and hello America.  Let’s get a pitcher.

Mr. Chicken Purse: I know that sobriety in general has already been dismissed, but I would like to go ahead and dismiss sobriety in  2008. What a shit fuck crap hole of a year. Due to its shit, fuck crap holeness I have spent almost the entirety of this sad excuse for a trip around the sun drunk, high, spaced out on pills and just generally confused. When life hands you lemons, you start drinking. Then, later you use those lemons to mix another adult beverage. Fuck you 2008. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, I hope it gets shot in the face and turned into glue. I am fucked up on pills right now. Sobriety in 2008, you are dismissed.

Neal: Staycation. You’re a new term for 2008, but you’re conspicuous. Somebody in the media fused two innocuous little words together to describe what it means to “have a vacation close to home,” and now we’ve got every morning talk show host dropping the word fifteen different times in one segment. “We’re looking at families choosing to staycation” or “some families have a harder time staycationing than others” then “how do you staycation when you live in a swamp” and then “why staycationing can be more expensive than a real vacation, we’ll show you why.”

Next thing you know, I’m at the family Christmas party, when some in-law of an in-law asks me how I spent my staycation, and I say, “I didn’t, I went to Mexico. But boy, I’m paying for it now. I should’ve staycationed.” And then he/she replies “well, we had a big trip to Hilton Head planned, but we decided at the last minute we might just load up the van and head to the lake. You know what? We had GREAT time.”

Yes, we all learn about ourselves and each other during lean times. I’ve got nothing against that. But let’s not get so caught up that we inadvertently open the floodgates for more contemporary buzzwords.

I came of age in Silicon Valley during the dot-com boom, and what I remember most about those salad days of venture capital were the mega-annoying buzzwords of Mr. internet’s awkward teenage years. I cannot endure another decade related to the worship of disposable, un-adjectives like e-commerce, cybersex, virtual markets and web 2.0, only this time related to the recession. In the dire case we HAVE to go there, I’ll throw my hat in the ring with these spec 2009 buzzwords (I like to have my intellectual property “on wax”).

Macmunchers: families surviving solely on low-grade pastas.

Guzzlescuttle: selling the S.U.V. for thousands below blue book.

The Terminator: Your boss

Lei off: canceling Hawaiian vacation for staycation alternative

Fourcloser: Nuclear family sharing one-bedroom apartment

Dot Com-petitive: internet job hunt

Old School: Private.

New School: Public.

Gleaming the Cubes: washing windows at busy intersections.

Urban Camping: Tell the kids it’s a fun experiment.

Dismiss implications of staycations!

 

Pussy Marmalade: [dubai]

Release the Hounds:2008  Disney Teen stars listen up you live in the age of the internet, when you take naked photos for your boyfriend, he puts them on the internet so the world can see. I know they don’t teach you that in homeschooling. So, Vanessa Hudgens I hope you read dismissed.

I’m sure this photo is a fake she clearly has no hand and to be in high school musical, you need hands.

Slumbert:
I am going to take this opportunity to officially dismiss Nike Dunks. Dunks are not fine to wear unless you are 12 years old. I don’t care that you are wearing some fucking Billy Bragg x Costume National x Doonesbury colorway, they look like clown shoes and you are a turd for waiting in line for hours for the privilege of paying $40,000 for them.

Slut Cake:

Hey Earth!  Way to go!  Way to be so shortsighted that you thought the money train would never end.  Well here we are in 2008 and all of your McMansions, and budget Bentley’s, and trophy wives have run you into the poor house(and dragged the rest of us down with you)!  Who would have ever thought that careless spending and wild speculation would create such a bubble that would cause the economy to collapse?

Oh… well maybe your Grandfather or Great Grandfather would remember.

But look, common man, I’m not placing ALL of the blame on you and your want for 500 inch plasma TV’s in your 300 square foot home that you bought for 3 million dollars, no the government had plenty to do with it to.

Legislators were all too happy to let the orgy of fraudulent loans and unsafe banking practices go because what does more money in the market mean?  Why it means more tax dollars! Sweet!  Why don’t we start instituting new government programs with all this money that will surely NEVER go away!  YAYY!  Fuuuuuuuck… sorry about that dudes, California is totally like broke now … can we borrow some money?  GO TO HELL YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS GOOD FOR NOTHING WASTES OF SPACE!  I COULD RUN A BETTER GOVERNMENT USING ONLY A WAX STATUE OF ELVIS AS INSPIRATION YOU SYPHILLITIC TRIPE!  Oh yeah but please, federal government (specifically congress), feel free to go ahead and GIVE YOURSELF A GOD DAMN RAISE FOR DOING SUCH A STELLAR JOB JACKASSES!

Because as we all know, this economic collapse was not merely the result of decades of poor decisions and loosening of financial regulation, nope.  No way.  It is clear that George W. Bush caused all of this in 8 years.  So a big dismissive FUCK YOU to you short sighted imbeciles who think it’s all his fault.

But, while we’re on the subject, Bush isn’t coming out of this smelling like a daisy either. So Bush you’re dismissed (on all sorts of levels).  If nothing else, then for trying to act like nothing you did ever went wrong.  Shut the hell up, own up to something and at least admit your part is sucking money from Satan’s asshole.

So here we are in 2008 and we are ushering in the Great Depression 2.0.  We’ve got a cold cold winter ahead of us so that should make it nice and easy for farmers and the like, and there’s still difficulty in securing credit, so industry will have a tough time continuing.  I for one welcome the new depression because I hate spoiled brats who cry when their mom doesn’t buy them that fucking candy that comes in an aerosol can (oh that is totally dismissed by the way – what the fuck candy companies?  Can we not just have standard candy?  Do we have to bring science into this so that our kids can fart candy into their own mouths? really?). And ladies and gentlemen, we are those spoiled brats and this depression is the rightful beating we deserve.

To Recap – Dismissed:  Idiots of the world, Congress, President Bush, People who blame Bush for everything, Prosperity with no merit, Aerosol Candy (and other miracles of science applied to candy), and spoiled brats.  Fuck you.  Fuck Me. And fuck Al Gore. His stupid ass made a god damn movie and won a nobel prize.  Go to hell you fat piece of shit.

Hatefully yours,

Slut Cake

The Understated:

I was driving home tonight from the gym, turning onto Riverside from the 5 freeway, when I noticed a man standing next to the freeway off-ramp holding a broken tennis racquet. It was cold outside for Los Angeles, and fairly late at night, so I would have noticed the man standing by himself next to the road anyway, but the shattered tennis racquet in his hand made him impossible to ignore. The tennis racquet was irreparably damaged, its frame badly bent, with several torn strings hanging loosely.

The light at the end of the off-ramp was red, causing me to stop directly in front of the man, so that I could see him better. He was an older man, with a grey beard, and was wearing a coat with the hood pulled up around his head. He stood completely still, holding his broken tennis racquet and watching my car. He clearly wasn’t waiting to cross the street, as there were no other cars around and he easily could have. He was just standing there.

I tried not stare at him, although there was really nothing else to look at. I thought I should maybe offer him some money or something, as he appeared fairly destitute, but since he hadn’t asked or made any effort to communicate with me I didn’t want to offend or aggravate him. Then the light turned green and I drove away. Glancing back, I saw that he was still standing there, holding the shattered racquet and staring off into space.

That about sums up my year.

Womb Raider:

Oh Sarah, I wish I could FORCE QUIT you. But like the insescent lil’ beachball on my computer you just kept spinnin’ and spinnin’ and spinnin’…

And like, that lil’ beachball, after being made to endure it’s pointless redundancy… ineveitibly I throw up my hands, and walk away. I believe the technical term for this is; Dismissed.

Look, I’m not gonna tell you anything here that hasn’t been said before. Besides, we both know Tina Fey pretty much covered it. Truth is, if I were so inclined, I could write a rant about good ol’ backwoods barbie. I could fill a novel about the ENTIRE insipid RIGHT WING EXTREME, and the shit stew they’ve cooked us in for the last decade. But frankly, I don’t have the energy. I’m cooked. It’s time to take it down from a boil, and bring it to a simmer. I know when to throw in the towel. I know when it’s time to move on. I can hear that there, bell tolin’. I know when to hold em’ and when to fold em’ cuz… wait for it… Yup, you guessed it. I’m a maverick!

Actually, I’m not. And that’s our only similarity, Sarah. You see unlike you, I’m aware that what I’m putting out there is half-assed. Yet at least I have the decency to admit it. The fact is, Sarah, you gobbled up 2008 like the machine did that poor lil’ turkey in the now infamous video. No, not that one. The other one. No, not the Couric one… No, not the… Nope, not that one either… After that… [You get the point.]

I’da put you out of your misery sooner, but again, like that turkey, you just keep clinging to whatever life is left in ya, even if it’s worthless. I tell ya, I can’t get that image out of my head… It was like America over the past 4 months. Fattened up, choked, hung upside down, being slaughtered, and all the while THIS BITCH is yammering on and on and on… Without the slightest regard… not a hint of coherence.

So now, at least, let me gather mine. This is why you’re dismissed:

Cuz you’re not sexy, Sarah Palin. You’re Scary. Or, at least, what you represent is.

You’re not sophisticated. Even if you’re decked in Saks and knee deep in Neimans.

Wow, neither was that cheap play on words, but again, at least I have the grace to admit it.

You have something honest about you, lady. But it aint the truth. You betray the very ‘better angels’ you seek to ’serve’ with unabashed lies.

Anyone can see, there’s something behind those hideous glasses. You captivated the nation, but in the least admirable way possible. You reduced our government to tabloid fodder.

You are the Paris Hilton of politics. You didn’t earn what you got, it was handed to you by Grandpa, and an entire manipulative, divisive industry was vital to keeping you relevant.

But, like Paris Hilton, you’re not relevant. You’re a blight to humanity. A herpe to smile. A hack. A phony. A joke. A mistake.

Am I making myself clear?

Well, then… Consider all that as just me firing off a couple warning shots.

Now that I’ve got you in my (hind)sight…

Sarah Palin;

[*cocking noise*]

You have been dismissed.

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