Ashton Kutcher: Boo fucking Hoo, You are dismissed.

Can you believe it? Can you believe what Ashton has to put up with? Shit, my heart really goes out to you Ashton, I really hope you tear that rich neighbor a new asshole.

The Absolutely Common Practice of Eating Other Dudes Farts: You Have Been Dismissed

Dude I get it. We all want to rig up a fart bong and suck down some smelly air once in a while, but the thing is, we’re all wrong to want this. Read the rest of this entry »

FAR: You Have Been Dismissed.

FAR what the fuck? While doing research for dismissing KROQ 106.7 FM (coming soon) I’ve heard this song that I swear sounds like Nickelback  singing about being horny and riding on his pony. (listen here)

The song makes me want to crash my car, find the singer and make him pay for it.  Each time the song was over, they play it non stop,  they kept saying. “that was Far.”  I kept thinking, who took over Far’s name, and then tainted the airwaves with this shit? Then I prayed it was a band called Farm, just like always, my prayers were unanswered. Read the rest of this entry »

Peta: You have been dismissed.

Peta listen up, sex isn’t saving animals. Objectifying women only worked for Princes’ career, it doesn’t save cows. Read the rest of this entry »

College: You have Been Dismissed.

Meat Hat:

College; what a great distraction from the real world you were. You were expensive, full of horny lustful girls, testosterone crazy dudes, booze and a class or two. Read the rest of this entry »

Family E-Mail list: You have been Dismissed.

Photo is Hudson River Landing. Aka: Bullshit Sacto Bee Cartoon.

I shit you not, I got this from my Father Meat Hat in a family email. It upset me so much I almost started drawing god hands in horrible photos from the Iraq war. I thought about Jesus hands clapping at the Tsunami and a nice pad on the back to Ex President W. Bush.   Why do families send email? Isn’t it enough we have to see each other at X-mas and funerals? Enough with cute family email, take me off your list, you are dismissed.

Inattentive parents: You have been dismissed

Oh look dear… mommy’s little angel is running around in circles all over the restaurant. How cute! He is picking up the silverware and pulling out the chairs. Awww, they are just so precious.

Read the rest of this entry »

Flat-Billed Hats: You have been dismissed.

I love hats.  They’re great for a ton of useful things like hiding a fucked up hair cut from Super Cuts.  What I hate, are flat-billed hats and the people that wear them.  Who are you? Fucking Charlie Brown?

Read the rest of this entry »

Doppler Radar: You Have Been Dismissed.

Dear Doppler Radar,

I fucking hate you. The quirky local weatherman (or local slutty weather gal with huge juggernauts), gives you a special long winded name like, Mega Doppler 7000 Storm Tracker 2000 and claims you can track the weather down to a specific street corner. Yet when I watch your images, and see pixelated shades of green making their way across the Pacific towards my beloved Los Angeles, and I hear the weatherman translate your data into words, claiming a “major storm” is on the way, you always just end up betraying me. You are never right Doppler. Ever. Read the rest of this entry »

Tennis: You Have Been Dismissed.

Tennis you are for old white crusty people. Wikipedia told me, “Tennis can be played by anyone who can hold a racket, including people in wheelchairs.” I find this information to be bullshit.  I played my first game yesterday. Aside from sucking at tennis, I also sucked at tennis.  Tennis, You are my enemy for now. You are dismissed until further notice.