stuffed animals in cars: you have been dismissed
Posted: January 12th, 2009 By: sweet tits | Under: Automobiles, Music, dismissed, people | Tags: Denny's, Garfield, Male Pattern Baldness
I see you, 45-year-old man driving by yourself in your mother (who you live with)’s borrowed car to go lurk on twelve year olds at the batting cages. It is totally depressing that the only form of self-expression you are capable of is to leave your faded-ass Garfield or Hello Kitty stuffed animals in the window of your car. SO MANY of them, too. And of course there’s a Kleenex box tucked back there in between Sunshine Bear and Rainbow Bear, for when you are driving 50 in the slow lane on the freeway and someone gives you the finger and you pull over to have a good cry about all the mean people and injustice in the world. WTF. We know you’re a virgin, ok? And we know about your Hair Club for Men membership and the Jingle Cats and Michael Bolton discs you keep in heavy rotation.
Nobody wants to witness this four-wheeled cry for help in the form of lavender polar bears, Shrek wearing a pleather 49ers jersey and other worthless shit you pulled out of the claw machine at Denny’s after spending like, seventeen dollars. We want to get hopped up on Sparks (r.i.p.) and run your fat ass over, put you out of your misery and forget about you forever, but then somebody would probably put fucking stuffed animals on top of your coffin and we’d have to kill them, too. A vicious cycle.
So. If you have some weird obsession with tiny plush objects, please do the rest of the world a favor and keep it in your PANTS. Leave Scooby and Scrappy Doo at home, decorating your bed, so that you have something to greet you when you walk through the door after a long hard day of touching yourself in the movie theatre bathroom during your fifth screening of Twilight. Because I guarantee you, that’s as good as it’s gonna get.
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words, um, words
words
oh sweet! garfield!
YES!
see also: Rubber Duckie Collection on your dashboard
I wouldn’t call three a collection. Come on.
I look forward to seeing these car’s stuffed with stuffed animals in the back window. Gives me something to look at in amazement. Plus it’s fun to roll up alongside them and see what they look like. They are pretty much what you always think they will look like.
When I was in Junior High there was a guy who lived down the street from me who was around my age and was just a little bit “special” but not enough to be medically doagnosed as so. He would roll around in his car with the back seat stuffed full of his favorite stuffed animals and he would have conversations with them. I wonder whatever happened to him? I bet he’s still rolling around in his ride with his precious stuffed treasures to keep him company. God bless him.