Billy Mays: You are dismissed.

Dear Billy Mays,
What is your deal? You are always shouting at me proclaiming you’ve just discovered something so amazing it will change the way humans live their lives. The product could be completely life altering, however your ear numbing sales pitch completely negates the products usefulness.

Billy, you’re like that guy that stands outside 7-11 ringing a bell asking you to donate money. Except replace the ringing bell with an annoying, blue shirt wearing, bearded, screaming douche face. Nothing is more un-motivating, than having some bear-man yell at you to buy something you know you don’t need like: OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, Engrave It, Handy Switch, Mighty Ment-it, Mighty Putty, The Ding King or the Big City Slider Station. You’re screaming commercials at me like a gorilla on a 4 day meth binge that is about to be tranquilized.

You have been described as a “Full Volume pitchman.” This is waaaaaay to complimentary, I mean seriously come on… you are the equivalent to a pop up banner. You are just taking up time until the show I was watching comes back on. Thank god for the invention of the mute button and DVR’s with fast forward. Anytime your TV commercials start and I hear the words “HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE (fill in the blank),” I have flashbacks of my High School gym teacher, Mr. Painter. (the louder I yell the more serious I am). At least at the end of gym class Mr. Painter gave us a pat on the back and told us “atta-boy”. All you do is make my ears bleed and cause dogs and cats to run in the other direction. Your shouting voice is number 1 on my all time most annoying sounds directly above Maria Carey and the sound my old old old 14k dial up modem made when I tried to dial the internet.

Billy, do our ears a favor and CHILLTHE FUCK OUT. I have had all that I can handle, so please for fuck sake, use your inside voice… You have been dismissed.

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