City Fixed-Gear Riders: You Have Been Dismissed
Posted: February 18th, 2009 By: sweet tits | Under: Automobiles, Clothes, Douche Bag Uniform, Politics, Style, dismissed, fashion | Tags: bike messenger, classic cars, coffee, cute little matching hats, death monsters, douchebags, fixed gear, san francisco
I know this is probably redundant, because dismissing you is so obvious it hurts, but OH, for the love of GOD, you fixed gear bicycle riders in the city. You’re so tough…defiantly helmet-free, death wish in your pocket, NO FEAR. Playing chicken with cab drivers, flipping off anyone and everyone who dares get in your way, sneering through your Ray-Bans at the pathetic city bike with the handbrakes (psshhh, so ’98) stopping next to you at the signal (when you can be bothered to obey traffic signals, that is).
I want you to know a couple things:
1) You might think a lack of manual brakes on your bike makes you a badass, but it really makes you a fucking retard.
2) Fixies are fast, no doubt about that. They’re fast because they were built for bike racing. In a velodrome. WHERE THERE ARE NO HILLS. OR CARS.
3) Yeah, cars. You hate them because they are always cutting you off, taking up your space on the road, threatening your life. It is a constant battle. But the simple, unavoidable truth is this: If ever the day comes where your face meets the grill of my ’67 Nova, YOU LOSE. Meditate on this fact the next time you hop on your bike after a few too many beers at the bar.
4) Helmets are like, a million times cooler than permanent brain damage.
As much as I would like to see the world rid of your cute little matching hats and nauseating sense of entitlement, I think that the next logical step is going to be fixed gear bicycles on the fucking freeway. What could be more YES WE CAN than allowing bikes everywhere cars can go?
And don’t talk to me about how “practical” your bike is in the city. You sound like an idiot. How’s this for practical: My bike has a basket, a bell, ten gears (so I can ride up those pesky hills you keep having to walk your fixie up), brakes, a super comfy huge seat and a fucking COFFEE MUG holder.
Anyway, could you maybe, just for a second, stop acting like you own the road? I swear if you slam your skinny fist on the hood of my car as you pass, one more time, I will sideswipe you into a goddam Hummer and not lose a moment’s sleep over it. I’m not out to get you, fixed gear riders in the city. I just think you are dumb. You have been dismissed.
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Kudos. Thank you for being brave enough to write what we all already knew.
is there a 6th star possible?
You just mad ‘cuz you can’t “fit on a bike anymore”.
Those skateboards look super fun! I have always hated skateboarding, but I think it has always been the COASTING I was afraid-er-spiteful of. Not afraid. I laugh at pain. I have stared death in the fucking face and ejaculated all over it. Glowing yellowish green cum in a blast of knowing disrespect.
kudos on being a gigantic moron.
They See Me Rollin They Be Hating
Are u Mad ?
Fixie riders are douche bags….sadly everyone else knows it but them
Way to stereotype. Get this through your head, I have two old three-speed city bikes, a major hauling shit bike, AND a track bike. So I’m ok with you while riding any of my other bikes, but god forbid you see me riding fixed. It wouldn’t be a fist on your hood, it’d be a U-lock through your skull.
case in point, my friend, case in point! thanks for fueling the fire. hugs and kisses.
yes we all know fixies are lame now… god damn hipsters….
but i do like your point on helmets…
myself being on my 4th concussion (from biking and skateboarding) i fully agree with the fact that helmets are way cooler than brain damage! all you kids who think its lame will reconsider once you get hit by a car.
see you at the velodrome!
I’m scared a you, TD. Threatening somebody online with your U-lock. What an idiot.
I too would happily run over all those asshole fixie riders if I had a vehicle big enough.
Why would I take my fixie on the freeway that is fucking retarded? Freeways are for long distances fixies are not. Now fuck off hater and I’m that entitled fixie fag that pulls peoples keys out of there ignitions at traffic lights when they piss me off.
1 good for the environment. 2 riding a bike is healthy(never see a fat fixed gearer). 3 no spending 30 minutes looking for parking downtown. if people are hating on you your doing something right.
think it´s good to wear a helmet and not act like we own the streets. we should also be very aware of pedestrians and actualy care for them, for that they are using the most natural way of transport. as well drivers should look after cyclists. I think your position is reactionary and stupid, you ain´t doing no good for no one, even yourself, threatening cycists on the web, so cowardly. no law forbides to ride them and who does it does at own risks. if you don´t like it, dont´t ride it. really wish the best for you.
now, if you don´t have the balls, take your fucking coffesofawhatevryoucallthatbikeofyours and take your sunday morning ride till you lose your fat ass and then try riding a fixie…
I bet you´ll enjoy it.
I´d hug you if I could… poor kiddo