City Fixed-Gear Riders: You Have Been Dismissed

Posted: February 18th, 2009 By: sweet tits | Under: Automobiles, Clothes, Douche Bag Uniform, Politics, Style, dismissed, fashion | Tags: , , , , , , ,

american apparel now making fixed gear bikes

I know this is probably redundant, because dismissing you is so obvious it hurts, but OH, for the love of GOD, you fixed gear bicycle riders in the city. You’re so tough…defiantly helmet-free, death wish in your pocket, NO FEAR. Playing chicken with cab drivers, flipping off anyone and everyone who dares get in your way, sneering through your Ray-Bans at the pathetic city bike with the handbrakes (psshhh, so ’98) stopping next to you at the signal (when you can be bothered to obey traffic signals, that is).

go cars

I want you to know a couple things:

1) You might think a lack of manual brakes on your bike makes you a badass, but it really makes you a fucking retard.

2) Fixies are fast, no doubt about that. They’re fast because they were built for bike racing. In a velodrome. WHERE THERE ARE NO HILLS. OR CARS.

3) Yeah, cars. You hate them because they are always cutting you off, taking up your space on the road, threatening your life. It is a constant battle. But the simple, unavoidable truth is this: If ever the day comes where your face meets the grill of my ’67 Nova, YOU LOSE. Meditate on this fact the next time you hop on your bike after a few too many beers at the bar.

4) Helmets are like, a million times cooler than permanent brain damage.

crashface

As much as I would like to see the world rid of your cute little matching hats and nauseating sense of entitlement, I think that the next logical step is going to be fixed gear bicycles on the fucking freeway. What could be more YES WE CAN than allowing bikes everywhere cars can go?

And don’t talk to me about how “practical” your bike is in the city. You sound like an idiot. How’s this for practical: My bike has a basket, a bell, ten gears (so I can ride up those pesky hills you keep having to walk your fixie up), brakes, a super comfy huge seat and a fucking COFFEE MUG holder.

Anyway, could you maybe, just for a second, stop acting like you own the road? I swear if you slam your skinny fist on the hood of my car as you pass, one more time, I will sideswipe you into a goddam Hummer and not lose a moment’s sleep over it. I’m not out to get you, fixed gear riders in the city. I just think you are dumb. You have been dismissed.

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16 Comments on “City Fixed-Gear Riders: You Have Been Dismissed”

  1. #1 L Bug said at 9:22 pm on February 18th, 2009:

    Kudos. Thank you for being brave enough to write what we all already knew.

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  2. #2 Slut Cake said at 9:54 am on February 19th, 2009:

    is there a 6th star possible?

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  3. #3 Blake said at 10:42 pm on February 19th, 2009:

    You just mad ‘cuz you can’t “fit on a bike anymore”.
    Those skateboards look super fun! I have always hated skateboarding, but I think it has always been the COASTING I was afraid-er-spiteful of. Not afraid. I laugh at pain. I have stared death in the fucking face and ejaculated all over it. Glowing yellowish green cum in a blast of knowing disrespect.

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  4. #4 anon said at 7:30 pm on February 21st, 2009:

    kudos on being a gigantic moron.

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  5. #5 Bach~ez said at 7:35 pm on February 21st, 2009:

    They See Me Rollin They Be Hating

    Are u Mad ?

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  6. #6 Matthew Herrick said at 5:20 pm on February 23rd, 2009:

    Fixie riders are douche bags….sadly everyone else knows it but them :(

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  7. #7 TD said at 4:26 pm on February 25th, 2009:

    Way to stereotype. Get this through your head, I have two old three-speed city bikes, a major hauling shit bike, AND a track bike. So I’m ok with you while riding any of my other bikes, but god forbid you see me riding fixed. It wouldn’t be a fist on your hood, it’d be a U-lock through your skull.

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  8. #8 sweet tits said at 5:24 pm on February 25th, 2009:

    case in point, my friend, case in point! thanks for fueling the fire. hugs and kisses.

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  9. #9 John John said at 5:41 pm on July 22nd, 2009:

    yes we all know fixies are lame now… god damn hipsters….

    but i do like your point on helmets…
    myself being on my 4th concussion (from biking and skateboarding) i fully agree with the fact that helmets are way cooler than brain damage! all you kids who think its lame will reconsider once you get hit by a car.

    see you at the velodrome!

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  10. #10 fltnsplr said at 11:49 pm on September 19th, 2009:

    I’m scared a you, TD. Threatening somebody online with your U-lock. What an idiot.

    I too would happily run over all those asshole fixie riders if I had a vehicle big enough.

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  11. #11 Royal said at 9:15 pm on October 19th, 2009:

    Why would I take my fixie on the freeway that is fucking retarded? Freeways are for long distances fixies are not. Now fuck off hater and I’m that entitled fixie fag that pulls peoples keys out of there ignitions at traffic lights when they piss me off.

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  12. #12 halfblackguy said at 3:44 pm on December 1st, 2009:

    1 good for the environment. 2 riding a bike is healthy(never see a fat fixed gearer). 3 no spending 30 minutes looking for parking downtown. if people are hating on you your doing something right.

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  13. #13 marcos said at 1:55 pm on February 24th, 2010:

    think it´s good to wear a helmet and not act like we own the streets. we should also be very aware of pedestrians and actualy care for them, for that they are using the most natural way of transport. as well drivers should look after cyclists. I think your position is reactionary and stupid, you ain´t doing no good for no one, even yourself, threatening cycists on the web, so cowardly. no law forbides to ride them and who does it does at own risks. if you don´t like it, dont´t ride it. really wish the best for you.
    now, if you don´t have the balls, take your fucking coffesofawhatevryoucallthatbikeofyours and take your sunday morning ride till you lose your fat ass and then try riding a fixie…
    I bet you´ll enjoy it.
    I´d hug you if I could… poor kiddo

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  14. #14 Gunnar said at 3:37 pm on February 14th, 2011:

    u mad, buddie?

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  15. #15 icanseeblood said at 4:54 am on March 8th, 2011:

    get on a fixed gear and ride it for a week. you’ll regret posting this tripe. I ride fixed and brakeless through my city on a daily basis. occasionally i have to yell at a cabby for opening his door on me on account for his lack of awareness with anything. but that would happen to any cyclist. if anything the ones to worry about on city streets are the “weekend warriors” that come out in droves on a sunday morning decked from head to toe in lycra. i had my car door kicked by one of these toss pots. just because you ride with a helmet and have a geared bike doesnt make you a saint. you should stop wasting your own time posting this and get out and ride your bike you fat cunt.

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  16. #16 Chuck Waggon said at 8:04 am on April 27th, 2011:

    I drive in the city everyday and bike everyday too (not a fixie .

    The goal on a bike is to not stop and get where you are going fast. So I run lights and stop signs when I can, and stop only when I have to. But I know that bike VS car, the bike will lose every time. I won’t punch someone’s car just because they got in my way by obeying a traffic signal. That’s a real asshole move.

    Fixiephiles generally are douches and take themselves way too seriously. Mongrel color-schemed bikes with 100 dollar leather saddles and cut off black jean shorts and key rings. Just like the other million fixiephiles.

    If anyone tried reaching into my car to remove my keys from the ignition, they are losing that arm and that is a fucking promise. Window up, gas pedal down. Sorry, officer, he said he was gonna kill me and reached right through my window! I might do a little time, sure, but oh so worth it.

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