Yo! LC! Talk to the hand, girl! You’re mf-in’ dismissed, and stuff!

Lauren. Honey. Take a seat. Audrina is fucking your shit up right now. I’ve been seein’ a lot of prep for the upcoming HILLS season around the internet, and I have to say that Audrina is looking b-a-n-g-i-n-‘! You know it’s true, too,  and I am sure it drives you crazy/to making yourself throw up after lunch and dinner.
Looks to me like she took her fake balloon-lookin’ tits out, and she is looking better than ever. Way better than you, that’s for sure. It’s sooo great that you have a clothing line, and junk…maybe you should focus on that this year. Eh? Let Audrina have more camera time. You and that voice of yours.
Where did YOUR tits go, by the way? Are you not eating? Oh sweety. You should start eating again. All of the anorexing in the world ain’t going get that bleh-ass body up to Audrina’s level of excellence. She has those “fuck me” eyes. (I just made that term up.)

I know what you’re thinking right now, Lauren. You’re all, “YyyyYUCK! I mean, she looks like Droopy Dog! Like, gag me!” (Oh dear.)

You’re lying to yourself and you’re sooo jealous, omg. Unless you’re making out with Audrina in some awesome candlelit booth in some rad L.A. restaurant trying desperately to get Audrina’s top off (oh! Or better: in a jacuzzi, but you’re wearing a potato sack under a garbage bag and a swimming cap!), Lauren Conrad, I’d prefer you just exited stage left and never came back to The Hills.

Hey, now here’s an idea! Move to New York with that spun-off bitch and be on her show. She’s not all that hot, either. You two could talk shit on Audrina the entire time, or whatever. All the way across the country and on a completely separate show, not watering down Audrina’s show with your average looks!
You just can’t compete, LC. I wish you’d stop trying. You’re dismissed. Audrina, come and sit on daddy’s lap. He has something he wants to “tell” you…

Breakfast Song: You have Been Dismissed.

This couple with their strong talent of voice sing a song about how we won’t need breakfast when Jesus comes back to earth. They even sing about how we won’t need Lipton Tea. While I really enjoy this woman’s clip on pony tail and counting how many teeth this man has, I’m upset that they made their song 5 mins long. I can’t help but chuckle that the drum set in the back says, “Darwin” on it.

By the looks of it, they’ve been eating lots of breakfast. Jesus ain’t coming, so eat up those Biscuits.

I’m sure you’ve stopped your lame music by now, but just encase: you have been dismissed.

Piles Of Dirt? Is this a third-world country??? You Have Been Dismissed.

Dear Piles Of Dirt-
You are so fucking lame I can hardly stand it. Why are you just sitting there? I know you were dug from something, but are you GOING anywhere? Read the rest of this entry »

The people in line to get into my favorite restaurant, you’re dismissed.

Everyone else besides me: stop eating at my favorite restaurants. Read the rest of this entry »

Jim Cramer; dismissed. Jon Stewart; move to the head of the class.

We need more heroes like Jon Stewart. Not like the ones on abc. Although, if Jon Stewart had the ability to fly or stop time that’d be pretty sweet. For now, it seems his super-human power is the ability to resuscitate truth. Defeating bad guys like Jim Cramer by exposing them for the lying corporate shills that they are. 

Y’all know the drill… Jim Cramer; Dismissed. Jon Stewart; Thank You.

Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You: Dismissed. I Can’t Dismiss Myself, Now Can I?

Dear Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You -
Quit bumming me out and fuck me already! Or at least let me take your top off and try getting to third base before stopping the “makeout sesh” with some bullshit about being “too drunk” or “feeling generally uncomfortable”. Read the rest of this entry »

Inevitable Doom; you have been dismissed

I’m not saying we don’t have a right to be concerned. There’s some crazy shit going on. Things are definitely not what they used to be… But when have they ever been? 

Read the rest of this entry »

Tween Cartoons; you have been dismissed

Horseland, Bratz, Trollz, WHAT THE FUCK!? You are the reason I refuse to have kids. I refuse to fight a losing battle. I could try to teach my (hypothetical) little girl about real female heroes, like Dorothy Parker, Harriet Tubman, Amelie, or Julia Child, but they’d be no match for the cartoon army of purple haired, sassy, manipulative little cunts that live in ‘Kewlopolis’.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dita Von Teese: Over it! You Have Been Dismissed!

Dear Dita Von Teese-
Why in the shit do I know who you are? Oh, that’s right. I like porno.
Just so you know, you pasty  lil’ tart:  WE GOT IT. Read the rest of this entry »