Dita Von Teese: Over it! You Have Been Dismissed!

Dear Dita Von Teese-
Why in the shit do I know who you are? Oh, that’s right. I like porno.
Just so you know, you pasty  lil’ tart:  WE GOT IT. You’re a fucking vampire or a pirate pin-up, or whatever you are. You have aggressively big fake-ass titties (how STRANGE!). You’re a throwback to…uh….Rockabilly Time kinda, but also….more 16th Century Slovikland or something. Totally gothed-out! Creative to be sure. Very different. You would have been the most twistidest-yet-somehow-also-classiest whore in Nasfaratu’s castle, no doubt about it. Kudos. Now please leave.

We all understand your deal, okay? You’re totally different but still full-on fucking glamorous, etc. You own your (whacky!) sexuality n’ stuff, and (bonus!) we all get to have a looksy. Celebrating you with you. Hooray! . Now please go away. I am sick and fucking tired of running into you while e-searching for super-horny-all-the-time naked ladies with less of a “deal” going on with them.

No…Dita…now just stop. You’re tying yourself up with surgical hose…yes you are somewhat flexible and are sorta into S&Mish faire, or whatever. Very impressive. Still though,  would prefer if you just put your complicated lingerie back on and skidattled on out the door. Oh wow… now you’re pretending to enjoy “hook play”. Man, alright. You sure are one alternative chick! But seriously now.  I am so very tired of you and there is nothing you can tie yourself to and/or hang yourself from that is going to change my mind. Holy cow, here we go. Now you’re showing us the insides of your cooter…hmph. Sweet, thanks. I know, I know…you’re not like those other porno sluts. Not at all. Should be very proud of yourself and your…uh…thing. You’re uniquely different. BURLESQUE to the limit!! Yes. We all understand and good for you. Now please get the fuck out. And take your OUTRAGEOUS vinyl bustier with you, if you would. I have no need for that kind of bullshit here in the cozy confines of my spank bank.  Take on 3 black guys against a dumpster in some random alley and maybe we’ll talk. Get some some of that face cake runnin’ if you know what I mean. Until then, we have no use for you I’m afraid.

Don’t come back either, Ms. Von Teese. You have been dismissed. Permanently. I am close to dismissing BURLESQUE in general if you crazy ladies can’t keep it inside of dimly-lit barrooms during nights with drink specials or in the bedroom with your bored boyfriends and husbands. Got me?

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