Hot Mainstream Vampires: You Are Dismissed

Posted: June 3rd, 2009 By: Oedipus Red | Under: dismissed | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I want to know:  when did it become ‘sexy’ to be a vampire, hm?  When did being a vampire become completely unthreatening and mainstream (like punk rock, rap, tattoos and KISS).  Have you seen the original Nosferatu from 1922?  That shit is off the hook SCARY.

nosferatu

Anyone got any nail clippers?

There is nothing attractive, hunky or swooning about him.  He doesn’t have six pack abs and pouty lips.  He isn’t waxing his chest and banging Angelina Jolie.  A real vampire is a creepy old weirdo who wears buttoned-up mortuary salesman suits, stalks you at night then kills you unwillingly by biting the crap out of your jugular. There have been people who for decades now, either actually believe they are vampires or try to be them.  They even go so far as to have implants on their teeth. 

Yah, I live at home - how'd you know?

Yah, I live at home - how'd you know?

Fuck, I remember when I was 19 yrs. old and underage I snuck into the Rainbow Room on Sunset and we found this creepy little room at the top of this little staircase in the back.  And inside sitting on benches around the walls were these people dressed up all 80s vampire-y and not making a sound.  Not talking, laughing or even getting fucked up on cheap booze.  The sign outside said ‘Beware Of Hollywood Vampires’.  Then, the bouncer who was supposed to be guarding their little vampire room came in and kicked us out. 

Seriously folks, what is up with the vampire wanna-bes?  You even try to drink blood like it really will make you immortal but it doesn’t.  It just makes you idiotic and disgusting.  Go find a chick on her period and at least make an effort for somebody, ok?  It’s like dumb, white, bored people can’t think of anything else to do and are unhappy with their lame white lives and have to invent these fantasy lives for themselves.  And now, we have to suffer through these people making watered-down, vanilla vampire movies and TV shows that teenage girls angst over.  I mean ‘Twilight’?  You could not pay me in enough man-whores to make me go see that tween wet dream.

 

twilight1

 

Even Anne Rice, fuck you – you’re an overrated writer and your characters suck, and not just blood.  They suck tranny vampire cock.  Now THAT would at least be interesting, and maybe even a little frightening.    Now it’s ‘True Blood’ on HBO.  Please.  I like my vampires ugly, deranged and pissed off as they should be.  They are evil predators of our dreams and need to stay that way. 

 

Don’t get them all sexed up and worked out – what, did Prince suddenly get a hold of all vampire rights and is churning this shit out?  Next thing you know, all vampires will be wearing purple satin jumpsuits with platform heels and spouting off about gay marriage being wrong.  Yes, I made a connection between Prince and vampires.  Fuck Prince too!  (see other dismissed blog on Prince by MakeYourBananaCry) He used to be a god but crumbled at the altar of mediocrity many years ago.  Just like the evil that used to be vampire.  Hot mainstream vampires:  get back into your Dolce & fucking Gabbana crypts, you’re dismissed.

 

 

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4 Comments on “Hot Mainstream Vampires: You Are Dismissed”

  1. #1 punch-drunk said at 12:36 pm on June 4th, 2009:

    Bella Legosi was the first mainstream sexy (ish, relatively speaking) vampire.

    Since then, vampire movies have always had a subtext of sex, but it was Interview With a Vampire that really started this whole sexy vampire business.

    Watch MARTIN, by George Romero. Awesome vampire flick.

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  2. #2 sonotlikeyou said at 11:40 pm on June 20th, 2009:

    so true… whats going on with this retarted wannabe vampires? shit all of you are dismissed… get a life fucking punks!

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  3. #3 SercusIncendium said at 11:19 pm on December 27th, 2010:

    While you are very (and I mean VERY) right about hating the newer, post-philistine, movies of the vampire genre for having very little to do with the delicate balance between life and death, and instead having Everything to do with cheesy one-liners, hunked-up vamp hero-like boytoys, and too much hairgel, I think there a few “gems” (and I use that term loosly) from recent years that are worth mention. The Lost Boys (1987) was a decent movie with a fair amount of good ‘ol violence and a nice soundtrack to boot. Whereas John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) on one hand had plenty of blood-spraying violence, it had too many one-liners and a very stupid plot. Still, not a bad “B” movie. Even the hilarious, Blackula (1972) has its moments that makes it worth watching (even if only once). I myself, however, prefer the classics (and by “classic” i mean no speaking roles to distract from the pure evil that is, “Vampire”) I am of course referring to Nosferatu (1922) and the more recent Nosferatu the Vampire (1979). Both very well made horror films that would probably make Lestat piss in his pantaloons. And with that I say to all these teenie bopper movie vamps; You are dismissed! …. Bitches.

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  4. #4 Rawendearavex said at 9:53 pm on May 5th, 2011:

    Enter comment here.

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