Treating Children as Equals: You Have Been Dismissed

The other day I was out eating sushi, in a fairly nice place, the kind of place where I wouldn’t have (or shouldn’t have) been allowed in until I was at least 30 and learned how to behave myself, and seated at the table next to me is this little cuss of a bastard with his hot Mom, out on a weekly date. Read the rest of this entry »

The Absolutely Common Practice of Eating Other Dudes Farts: You Have Been Dismissed

Dude I get it. We all want to rig up a fart bong and suck down some smelly air once in a while, but the thing is, we’re all wrong to want this. Read the rest of this entry »

Suicide Girls: You Have Been Dismissed

How many photosets do people need to see depicting girls looking completely bored and as dazed as if they had been kicked in the head by a horse while taking a bath? Read the rest of this entry »

Gnome Hating: You Have Been Dismissed

Few things get me going like the gnome haters. What isn’t to love? Just look at that little guy! Let me break it down why gnomes are the best race in Azeroth: Read the rest of this entry »

Bacon in Everything: You Have Been Dismissed

Something happened in 2008 that injected the idea into the public consciousness that bacon is the solution to all of your problems. I am quite sure this notion started with Paula Dean’s fat, ignorant mouth. Read the rest of this entry »

Twitter; You Have Been Dismissed.

Twitter took the reciprocal of the insult “You ever think anything you don’t say?” and made a business model out of it.

No one cares what you are doing right now, unless you are doing it to them, with no pants on.

Social Networking; You Have Been Dismissed.

Nothing makes me fucking crazy like looking at everyone in the world creating an exciting virtual life filled with attractive people that I am not taking part in, and I’m a DOCTOR for shit’s sake! Read the rest of this entry »

Sobriety; You Have Been Dismissed.

I just took my last final, Read the rest of this entry »

Headbands; You Have Been Dismissed

I went to a show a few weeks ago, and the newest big thing out of Silverlake was playing. They sort of one-upped the old band trick of having a hot girl play keyboards, by having two hot girls play keyboards. Both of these broads were wearing little tiny leather headbands. They looked like LARPERS from a Never Ending Story specific universe.

When I went to find photos on the internets about headbands, I found this piece of copy which really states the argument for dismissal better than I ever could:

“Wearing headbands is the easiest way to obtain a hippie chic. Many celebs from Elle Machperson to Mischa Barton, Ashley Simpson and Nicole Richie were seen wearing this instant style piece. You can team up the headband with a pair of wide leg jeans and bohemian tunic or kaftan. Another way to look the ultimate glam hippy is pairing the headband with a flowy maxi dress.”

Flowy and maxi are not two words I would ever put together unless I was talking about cunt gravy, which only happens on Easter Sunday. But I digress, the point is, Fuck You and your stupid headband. You have been dismissed.

Intelligent Design; You Have Been Dismissed

Look, just because you don’t know the answer to something doesn’t mean you get to just make shit up. Read the rest of this entry »