dismissedblog » dances with boners

Green Day, You’ve been dismissed.

dances with boners — Fri, 29 May 2009 21:57:06 +0000

Billy Joe, Tre Cool, and some guy that looks like your molester uncle Carl. They were a three piece punk act that brought you catchy tunes about jacking off in a pseudo-british accent when you were young, or a lot younger than you are now. I got the absolute prostate exam pleasure of catching these dictionary definitions of the word “sell outs” on the season finale of Saturday Night Live. Their first song of the night during the Will Ferrell hosted show, immediately dipped my comedy induced boner into a bath of boiling acid. It was entitled “Know Your Enemy”, hmmm, a song about political shit and rebelling against the system, why does this sound familiar? Oh, now I know, it’s like that Rage Against the Machine song about political crap, with a similar, no, the exact same title.. Nothing like cashing in on the nation’s hard times by switching your M.O. (mode of operation for you geniuses) from songs about jacking your sweaty dick to over throwing the government.

I guess masturbation has finally lost it’s fun. And who better to take advice from than Billy Joe, who now looks like Froto Baggins in heavy eyeliner, dressed to go to a My Chemical Bromance concert in his three inch platform creepers, so he can see above the bar top to order his appletini. Speaking of sweet looks, Tre Cool now looks like one of the characters from a Dr. Seuss book, which one you ask? Well, I wikipediaed that shit and couldn’t find anything in the first thirty seconds and then realized how little I fucking care which one, fuck you for asking. The second phenomenally gay song they played was an acoustic “jam” about Vietnam or Apartheid or the price hike on cherry lipgloss. Like the first song, they were not a three piece again. The first had an extra guitarist which is understandable since Billy Joe has gotten far more faggotty over the years, it stands to reason that his ability to play an instrument would diminish also, science. But this one, since playing an acoustic song with three people is about as possible as Webster beating Michael Phelps in butterfly, had three extra guitarists, a douche on piano and one of these three mystery stringmen was backing up on vocals. So, two bassists, three guys playing guitar, hm, Slipknot has fewer members.

Gee, I can’t wait for Green Day to get the London Philharmonic to play old songs with them for a really special album with hot violins and homo vibes. It would be just like that other band that started out as something somewhat genuine and then morphed into a gang of turd burglaring dicks, Metallica. Maybe Green Day and Metallica can all get together for a wine and cheese party on one of their yachts bought with money dirtier than a prom night cock, and discuss how much they hate torrents and how they can better acclimate themselves to the TRL crowd. Green Day, take your pink ties and hang yourselves. You went from punk to punk-pop to Gap dressing room musak to a point of selling out that makes truck stop sodomy look wholesome. You’ve been dismissed.

Lame (mostly) Indie Band Names – You Have Been Dismissed Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about...

Leslie George Kistner III : You have been dismissed.

dances with boners — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:31:59 +0000

Leslie George Kistner the third, also known as “Vampire Lord” or “God”, wants to give you free oral sex. Unfortunately, some restrictions apply. Like, for instance, “You Must Be Clean”– Seriously? You think any woman that responds to an internet ad for free oral sex from some demented redneck pseudo-goth is not going to have the clap? And she has to smell good too? Also thank you for reminding me the benefits to having an orgasm.

But seriously, how many ladies want to road trip to Kentucky with me?

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Crocs: You have seriously been dismissed.

dances with boners — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 04:38:39 +0000

Earlier today I saw a guy wearing red track suit pants, a cowboy hat, and purple Crocs. I literally felt like my head was going to explode. I may not be the gal with the greatest fashion sense (hell, I dress in full on fluffy gothic lolita most of the time), but I at least know that wearing shoes made of melted down plastic that make your feet smell like complete ass after a few wears is a fashion faux pas.

I never imagined it possible for a shoe to suck this bad– expensive, poor quality, and downright fucking ugly. They also have Crocs Butter to restore your plastic minnie mouse slippers to their full glory. You might as well just use astroglide, it’ll probably come in handy when you’re jacking off to the Real Housewives of Orange County since no one will take you home wearing those stupid shoes.

Lame (mostly) Indie Band Names – You Have Been Dismissed Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about...

Le Trung: You have been dismissed.

dances with boners — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:21:59 +0000

Inventor Le Trung, 33, created Aiko, said to be “in her 20s” with a stunning 32, 23, 33 figure, shiny hair and delicate features. Pfft, she’s not a day over 14 you sick bastard. We all want the perfect mate, sure. But spending $25,000 to make a robot who will still complain when you try to feel her up? Perhaps Le Trung should would have been wiser to spend that chunk of change on a real doll, or maybe even a hooker.

“We’re monogomoous, and she’s made me go to church and stop watching porn.” Great, so you’ve built a robot to help you find Jesus? My coworker could have done that for you for free. Although, I do plan on using the “it still hurts where you touched me before” line sometime in the near future.

(click for larger versions, it’s worth the read).

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Christmas Music: You have been dismissed.

dances with boners — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:16:11 +0000

Call me a Scrooge, but I can’t stand the holidays. No, I’m not some Jehovah Witness who refuses to celebrate Christmas, I just can’t stand Christmas music being crammed down my ear canal. It’s so terrible, and must you FORCE me to listen to it starting the day after Halloween? It’s enough to keep me away from the malls to avoid unhappy thoughts of my mother’s own adultery, as reminded every time I hear “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Seriously, what are we teaching the children? What about when Daddy bends Mrs. Claus over the hearth and gives her his candy cane? If we are going to celebrate capitalism, can’t we get some decent beats and lyrics going? Surely we should have money for that.

For all of my coworkers who keep forcing me to listen to Jingle Bell Rock, I will be blasting this at deafening decibel levels, because it is just as annoying as you are.

PS take it easy on me, this is my first time writing, I promise I’ll get funnier once the Holidays are over and I’m not endlessly annoyed.

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