Billy Mays: You are dismissed.

Dear Billy Mays,
What is your deal? You are always shouting at me proclaiming you’ve just discovered something so amazing it will change the way humans live their lives. The product could be completely life altering, however your ear numbing sales pitch completely negates the products usefulness.

Billy, you’re like that guy that stands outside 7-11 ringing a bell asking you to donate money. Except replace the ringing bell with an annoying, blue shirt wearing, bearded, screaming douche face. Nothing is more un-motivating, than having some bear-man yell at you to buy something you know you don’t need like: OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, Engrave It, Handy Switch, Mighty Ment-it, Mighty Putty, The Ding King or the Big City Slider Station. You’re screaming commercials at me like a gorilla on a 4 day meth binge that is about to be tranquilized.

Read the rest of this entry »

Inattentive parents: You have been dismissed

Oh look dear… mommy’s little angel is running around in circles all over the restaurant. How cute! He is picking up the silverware and pulling out the chairs. Awww, they are just so precious.

Read the rest of this entry »

Poopy Butt: You are Dismissed

People, come on. Its not that hard. After you poo, wipe your ass until the brown on the toilet paper is gone. Otherwise, you will have flies on your butt like the lady above.

Read the rest of this entry »

Truck Nuts: You are dismissed.

Really? Truck Nuts? Why was this ever made? Who the fuck does this? Oh, yeah that’s right I know exactly who you are…

Read the rest of this entry »

Overuse of punctuation: You Have Been Dismissed

JerkStore:

One exclamation point (!) at the end of a sentence has the same meaning as three (!!!). Just because you added a dozen exclamation points to your email doesn’t mean you are any more excited, pissed off or shocked then you would be with a single exclamation point.

Read the rest of this entry »

Half Socks: You Have Been Dismissed.

What is the deal with half socks? Is the extra length too much effort to stitch on? Is the point to show off your awesome ankles? Does that extra couple of inches restrict your movements too much? Half socks your purpose is a mystery to me.
Read the rest of this entry »

Southern California Edison: you have been dismissed

JerkStore:

I live in Southern California and we ONLY have one electric company to choose from. This means you have no options, no choices and when you have an issue… you have no one to turn to.

Read the rest of this entry »

Marijuana Paraphernalia: You Have Been Dismissed.

JerkStore:

Hey bro, we totally get it. you smoke weed. The giant rasta flag with a pot leaf hanging in the back window of your 1978 VW Bus and your never ending use of lines from the movie “Friday” (not to mention “Dazed and Confused,” “Cheech and Chong,” and “Pineapple Express”) was a dead give away.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dr. Heathcliff ‘Cliff’ Huxtable; You Have Been Dismissed

JerkStore:

Let me start by saying, I love Bill Cosby. I have watched and enjoyed every Cosby Show ever made. Nick at Night / TV Land is airing episodes (currently) and every-once in a while I will partake in an episode. My problem is not with Bill, but with his egotistical doctor character Heathcliff Huxtable.

Heathcliff AKA Cliff is a doctor and he wont let you forget it. Everyone on the show (except his wife and children) call him Dr. Huxtable. His neighbors, his friends, his mechanic, his son-in-law(s), his children’s friends and even his daughters adopted child MUST CALL HIM DOCTOR HUXTABLE.

Read the rest of this entry »

Jaywalkers; You Have Been Dismissed.

JerkStore:

My gripe is not with all jaywalkers. We all have illegally crossed the street at one time or another, my issue is with the people who stop traffic to jaywalk. Is this some sort of power trip? Why are you putting your life in my hands?

Read the rest of this entry »