Major League Baseball:You Have Been Dismissed.

Compare the United States with the Roman empire and you’ve got yourself many parallels, but give us credit for inventing such a clean, innocent national pastime while our empirical predecessors were using human candles to illuminate lions eating defenseless slaves alive to the roar of a blood-thirsty Oligarchy. Read the rest of this entry »

Car Alarms: You Have Been Dismissed.

So effective...

Here’s a little insight on how car thieves work: They grease the little guys at Mercedes and BMW, who in turn acquire the security codes for keyless ignitions, which are then uploaded into a little computer that will unlock and electronically start that 100,000 dollar car in a matter of seconds, like Ed Furlong at the ATM in T2. If they can do that, don’t you think they can probably maneuver around your ten-dollar, Chinese-import line of defense? Especially when your passenger window is stuck?

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Littering: You Have Been Dismissed.

Sure, in third world countries they shit in the river and drink the same water downstream, and in South America they drain raw sewage into the ocean and throw their garbage on the sidewalk. And in the grand scheme of things, until we learn how to rocket trash barges into deep space, we’re all essentially shitting in our own nest, but for the love of god when I’m watching you throw three empty Starbucks Frappaccino cups and two Denny’s clamshells out of your car at a red light, I seriously want to set you on fire and piss down your throat. Who eats at Denny’s anyway?