President George W. Bush: You Have Been Dismissed

Seriously, you’re dismissed now. Go fuck off somewhere.

Public Use of Bluetooth Devices: You Have Been Dismissed

Remember when seeing a person walking down the street talking to themselves meant that they were a raving street lunatic? It was always kind of a special treat to encounter such a person, like seeing a rainbow or finding a quarter in an unconscious hobo’s Styrofoam cup. Read the rest of this entry »

Well Maintained Lawns: You Have Been Dismissed

This one mainly just applies to the Southwest. You see, in other parts of the country, where it like, rains and they have weather and stuff, having a nice, green, cleanly moved lawn is fairly easy to achieve. You rake leaves in the fall, pick weeds in the spring, and the result is a lovely lawn to complement your lovely house. And I mean, everybody appreciates a nice lawn, right?

The answer is no. Read the rest of this entry »

BMWs: You Have Been Dismissed

Whenever I’m driving and I see a BMW – any model, no matter where I am – I try to give it a wide berth because I know the driver is about to do something stupid. How do I know this? Because they’re driving a BMW. What I really should do is quickly pull my car over the side of the road, close my eyes, put my head on my steering wheel and then count slowly to thirty, only opening my eyes and beginning to drive again when I’m sure they’re gone; that’s the only way to really be safe.

Yes, I hate BMW as a company, and not just because they partially funded Hitler’s attempted extermination of the Jewish people back in the day, because hey, who didn’t? No, I hate them because of the people who drive their cars. Two douchebags racing each other down Los Feliz Boulevard at 3:30 in the morning blasting techno dance remixes of already completely lame pop songs? Sure to be driving BMWs. Some idiot impotently honking at the car in front of them and revving their engine in the middle of a traffic jam? Undoubtedly a BMW driver. The fool at the cheap automated car wash taking up a stall while he painstaking details his hubcaps with a toothbrush? Now that’s a BMW connoisseur.

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