(In honor of Earth Day) Global Warming; you have been dismissed!

Welp! That solves it.

Thanks for the great reporting over there at The Sun, we now know that Fatties cause global warming and can all go home now.

While our excessive appetites for destruction and cravings for consumption are more likely candidates, the real message here ought to be that the pursuit of healthy living would do a world of good.

In this spirit, I’ve included several links (below) where you can get up off your fat, lazy ass (or not) and contribute to the solution instead of the problem. 

http://www.wecansolveit.org/

http://repoweramerica.org/

http://www.windenergyworks.org/

http://www.awea.org/

http://www.carbonfootprint.com/

http://earth911.com/

http://stopcorporateabuse.org/

http://www.epa.gov/

Donate. Get Involved. Sign a Petition. Learn Something. Increase Awareness.

(feel free to leave other helpful links in the comments)

Jim Cramer; dismissed. Jon Stewart; move to the head of the class.

We need more heroes like Jon Stewart. Not like the ones on abc. Although, if Jon Stewart had the ability to fly or stop time that’d be pretty sweet. For now, it seems his super-human power is the ability to resuscitate truth. Defeating bad guys like Jim Cramer by exposing them for the lying corporate shills that they are. 

Y’all know the drill… Jim Cramer; Dismissed. Jon Stewart; Thank You.

Inevitable Doom; you have been dismissed

I’m not saying we don’t have a right to be concerned. There’s some crazy shit going on. Things are definitely not what they used to be… But when have they ever been? 

Read the rest of this entry »

Tween Cartoons; you have been dismissed

Horseland, Bratz, Trollz, WHAT THE FUCK!? You are the reason I refuse to have kids. I refuse to fight a losing battle. I could try to teach my (hypothetical) little girl about real female heroes, like Dorothy Parker, Harriet Tubman, Amelie, or Julia Child, but they’d be no match for the cartoon army of purple haired, sassy, manipulative little cunts that live in ‘Kewlopolis’.

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Christian Entertainers; you have been dismissed

It takes talent to entertain people. Talent should not to be mistaken with ability or skill, which, like singing or playing piano can be learned. Real talent comes from being exceptionally good at something. Not marginally, or even modestly so.

The fear of being bad is what makes people good. You sad sacks should know that better than anyone. Read the rest of this entry »

Gym Douche: You have been dismissed

“Can I work in there?!”

gym douche

No! You’re dripping sweat through your weird microfiber super-hero style ‘workout gear’. You make really awful guttural groaning noises when you ‘rip on your delts’. And; EVERY OTHER MACHINE IS AVAILABLE!

Seriously, go drip somewhere else! Why do you want to use MY machine? Why do you want to get in MY ‘zone’?

As it is, you take up way too much of my visual landscape. I don’t know who is more distracted by your biceps, me, or your reflection. In either case you are clearly showcasing them for our enjoyment. Or so you think.

Here’s what we’re both thinking:

“Um, where’s his neck?”

“Ew. Veins.”

“Oooh, shit he makes ugly faces.”

“Is he really listening to ‘Snap’?”

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M. Night Shyamalan; You Have Been Dismissed

Your name should be M. Night ShameOnYou. You are to film making what David Blaine is to magic. And you both must have the same mother management. Someone has to be telling you that you are awesome, and encouraging you to keep doing what your doing. And you are clearly drunk on your own kool-aid. Read the rest of this entry »