City Fixed-Gear Riders: You Have Been Dismissed

I know this is probably redundant, because dismissing you is so obvious it hurts, but OH, for the love of GOD, you fixed gear bicycle riders in the city. You’re so tough…defiantly helmet-free, death wish in your pocket, NO FEAR. Playing chicken with cab drivers, flipping off anyone and everyone who dares get in your way, sneering through your Ray-Bans at the pathetic city bike with the handbrakes (psshhh, so ’98) stopping next to you at the signal (when you can be bothered to obey traffic signals, that is). Read the rest of this entry »

stuffed animals in cars: you have been dismissed

I see you, 45-year-old man driving by yourself in your mother (who you live with)’s borrowed car to go lurk on twelve year olds at the batting cages. It is totally depressing that the only form of self-expression you are capable of is to leave your faded-ass Garfield or Hello Kitty stuffed animals in the window of your car. SO MANY of them, too. Read the rest of this entry »

Truck Nuts: You are dismissed.

Really? Truck Nuts? Why was this ever made? Who the fuck does this? Oh, yeah that’s right I know exactly who you are…

Read the rest of this entry »

Brokencyde: Dismissed or Not Dismissed?

Watch this till the end, then read on.

I just learned of these mexi generational trend hounds called Borkencyde yesterday. While at first I must admit, I was ready to slap their presents immediately straight out of my face, but then, I was so entranced by how off the rails this was I had to investigate further, which of course confused me more.  Read the rest of this entry »

Car Alarms: You Have Been Dismissed.

So effective...

Here’s a little insight on how car thieves work: They grease the little guys at Mercedes and BMW, who in turn acquire the security codes for keyless ignitions, which are then uploaded into a little computer that will unlock and electronically start that 100,000 dollar car in a matter of seconds, like Ed Furlong at the ATM in T2. If they can do that, don’t you think they can probably maneuver around your ten-dollar, Chinese-import line of defense? Especially when your passenger window is stuck?

Read the rest of this entry »

Pope Moblie: You have been Dismissed.

The Popemobile is an informal name for the specially designed motor vehical used by the Pope during outdoor public appearances.

I have a question, where is the toilet paper roll dispenser? Read the rest of this entry »

New Low Gas Prices: You Have Been Dismissed.

Dropping gas prices may seem exciting for our short term needs. Saving money on commuting and possible weekend’s trip to other states to eat pizza may seem like a blessing, but its actually a struggling junkies curse. Read the rest of this entry »

Trojan Brand Condoms: You Have Been Dismissed.

Question. Does anyone over 16 actually use Trojan’s anymore?  Worst. Condom. Ever.

How come they are the only condom manufacturer that has seemingly embraced the smell of rubber? Read the rest of this entry »

BMWs: You Have Been Dismissed

Whenever I’m driving and I see a BMW – any model, no matter where I am – I try to give it a wide berth because I know the driver is about to do something stupid. How do I know this? Because they’re driving a BMW. What I really should do is quickly pull my car over the side of the road, close my eyes, put my head on my steering wheel and then count slowly to thirty, only opening my eyes and beginning to drive again when I’m sure they’re gone; that’s the only way to really be safe.

Yes, I hate BMW as a company, and not just because they partially funded Hitler’s attempted extermination of the Jewish people back in the day, because hey, who didn’t? No, I hate them because of the people who drive their cars. Two douchebags racing each other down Los Feliz Boulevard at 3:30 in the morning blasting techno dance remixes of already completely lame pop songs? Sure to be driving BMWs. Some idiot impotently honking at the car in front of them and revving their engine in the middle of a traffic jam? Undoubtedly a BMW driver. The fool at the cheap automated car wash taking up a stall while he painstaking details his hubcaps with a toothbrush? Now that’s a BMW connoisseur.

Read the rest of this entry »

Giant SUV Owner: You Have Been Dismissed.

Desko Fipps:

Look, we get it. You own a giant car. But here’s the thing… Read the rest of this entry »