Green Day, You’ve been dismissed.

Billy Joe, Tre Cool, and some guy that looks like your molester uncle Carl. They were a three piece punk act that brought you catchy tunes about jacking off in a pseudo-british accent when you were young, or a lot younger than you are now. I got the absolute prostate exam pleasure of catching these dictionary definitions of the word “sell outs” on the season finale of Saturday Night Live. Their first song of the night during the Will Ferrell hosted show, immediately dipped my comedy induced boner into a bath of boiling acid. It was entitled “Know Your Enemy”, hmmm, a song about political shit and rebelling against the system, why does this sound familiar? Oh, now I know, it’s like that Rage Against the Machine song about political crap, with a similar, no, the exact same title.. Nothing like cashing in on the nation’s hard times by switching your M.O. (mode of operation for you geniuses) from songs about jacking your sweaty dick to over throwing the government.

I guess masturbation has finally lost it’s fun. And who better to take advice from than Billy Joe, who now looks like Froto Baggins in heavy eyeliner, dressed to go to a My Chemical Bromance concert in his three inch platform creepers, so he can see above the bar top to order his appletini. Speaking of sweet looks, Tre Cool now looks like one of the characters from a Dr. Seuss book, which one you ask? Well, I wikipediaed that shit and couldn’t find anything in the first thirty seconds and then realized how little I fucking care which one, fuck you for asking. The second phenomenally gay song they played was an acoustic “jam” about Vietnam or Apartheid or the price hike on cherry lipgloss. Like the first song, they were not a three piece again. The first had an extra guitarist which is understandable since Billy Joe has gotten far more faggotty over the years, it stands to reason that his ability to play an instrument would diminish also, science. But this one, since playing an acoustic song with three people is about as possible as Webster beating Michael Phelps in butterfly, had three extra guitarists, a douche on piano and one of these three mystery stringmen was backing up on vocals. So, two bassists, three guys playing guitar, hm, Slipknot has fewer members.

Gee, I can’t wait for Green Day to get the London Philharmonic to play old songs with them for a really special album with hot violins and homo vibes. It would be just like that other band that started out as something somewhat genuine and then morphed into a gang of turd burglaring dicks, Metallica. Maybe Green Day and Metallica can all get together for a wine and cheese party on one of their yachts bought with money dirtier than a prom night cock, and discuss how much they hate torrents and how they can better acclimate themselves to the TRL crowd. Green Day, take your pink ties and hang yourselves. You went from punk to punk-pop to Gap dressing room musak to a point of selling out that makes truck stop sodomy look wholesome. You’ve been dismissed.

ShamWow Guy – Already Dismissed.

‘I can’t do this all day, people…’

I was freakily drawn to watching those commercials….his one good eye emptily staring you down through your television, the 80s reject-frat boy haircut, and the unbelievably corny, over-the-top sales pitch coming from in between the horsey teeth.  An admittedly sad obsession, but I loved it when those freakin’ ShamWow advertisements came on.  And I always wondered in my mind…’who would fuck this guy, for reals?’

This week I found out, when Mr. ShamWow (aka Vince Shlomi aka Vince Offer) was arrested for beating a hooker, HIS hooker.  Because she supposedly bit his tongue while they were, uh, embracing.  (get thought out of head NOW!  *shiver*).  All of those nifty little super doo-rags Aunt Crotchety bought so that she could better wipe up Grandpa’s Depends overflows all went to Shammy (he’s a celebrity now, gotta have a nickname) buying hookers and staying in expensive luxury resorts. 

'Where are those fucking ShamWows when you need one'?

And did you know that he’s in ‘the film business’ too?  He’s sued everyone from 20^th Century Fox to Anna Nicole Smith, claiming they stole parts of a film he made.  An ex-Scientologist, he even sued the church, alleging that ‘the church had declared him a criminal and had urged its members to commit libel against him’.  Wow, the more I know about him the more I’m sickeningly intrigued.  Man, if he wasn’t loser enough for the Scientologists to keep him around…

Way to go Shammy!  You must be one of those super motivated, non-stop salesmen whose rage is unleashed by dozens of shots of Jagermeister.

It’s gotta make you wonder, too, though…what the hell was he doing, that a PAID whore wanted to bite off his tongue?  Did he start to rub her down with ShamWows, did he start jacking off and then insist that she wipe up the mess with ShamWows?   Did he just start fucking a ShamWow in her face?

 

Sad, sad, sad, Shammy – I don’t gotta dismiss you, you already done it yourself.  I’ll miss your infomercials, dude, in the most ashamed of ways.  They really sold themselves.

 

 

Don Wildman: Stay Underground, You have been dismissed.

Don Wildman just drips with gross. Watching him on screen sends me rolling aound the house infected with Douche Shivers. How can this dude, act the roll of someone worth watching and then act it so poorly? Who is the real Don Wildman? Why is he trying to be a modern day Don Draper trolling under old cities?  His only credential is being an actor. Shit, anyone with an english accent would be more credible then this tick.

Read the rest of this entry »

Peta: You have been dismissed.

Peta listen up, sex isn’t saving animals. Objectifying women only worked for Princes’ career, it doesn’t save cows. Read the rest of this entry »

Upcoming JenAn Movie: You Have Been Dismissed

There is much scat to be had upon this vile beast known as Aniston. Jolie is a separate subject, but at least her fucked up psychology includes knives, creepy child obsession, lesbianism, blood fetishes and maybe even kissing her hot brother.  I can respect that.  But Jen An – you are dismissed.

I had to endure…nay…be tortured….with Aniston’s yet to be released creative wasteland entitled ‘Management’ . This was supposed to be a treat to us, as we were offered the entertainment value before the general public was allowed to view this gloriously empty and implausible landslide of a film.

Woody Harrelson couldn’t even save it, playing the evil punk rock boyfriend (of course! anyone friends with Joe Strummer is an asshole!!!  Well, at least in Rupert Murdoch’s opinion).  And yes, like any good old-school punk rock guy, he wants to marry a hot, mainstream, corporate, worked-out hottie chick who is extremely cold to him. Ah, punk rock guys…you truly all succumb to those girls that rejected you in high school and it’s a farce, ain’t it boys?

  Read the rest of this entry »

Christian Entertainers; you have been dismissed

It takes talent to entertain people. Talent should not to be mistaken with ability or skill, which, like singing or playing piano can be learned. Real talent comes from being exceptionally good at something. Not marginally, or even modestly so.

The fear of being bad is what makes people good. You sad sacks should know that better than anyone. Read the rest of this entry »

Toilet Taggers: You Have Been Dismissed.

Toilet Seat Found at Malo in the Silverlake neighborhood of Los Angeles.

Listen up toilet seat taggers and listen good. Stop carving up my crap can. Read the rest of this entry »

Sublime: You Have Been Dismissed.

Look Sublime; you made a few albums, congratulations. Now go the fuck away. Read the rest of this entry »

Will Smith, Jaden Smith & Jada Pinket Smith: You All Have Been Dismissed.

I’m sorry but I need you all to get straight out of my face. You all had me in the 90’s [see: A Different World, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, 6 Degrees of Separation, and my favorite,  Set It Off], but now I shiver every-time I see any of you. Who took your soul? Who took your pride? Who took your talent? And where do you get off spawning the worst child actor ever?  Read the rest of this entry »

Perez Hilton: Dismissed.

I hesitate writing this Dismissal because you celebrate being hated – which makes me feel kinda sorry for you.  All that inner fatgirl self-hatred and shame you have deep inside…you can just tuck it away and tag your site “Hollywood’s Most-Hated Web Site”.  But can we be honest with each other for a sec, boo?

Read the rest of this entry »