I don’t eat at Jack in the Crack but I have always, always loved their logo.  Even before I knew about typography, I just loved it.  The ligature “o-x” in Box.  C’mon, sooooooo good.  Fuckin’ thing is tilted like 20 degrees, perfect.  Now enter, this update of suckiness.Way too much is wrong here.  A signpainter script added to faux vector 3D cube on top of some ok looking techy sans-serif.  All wrong I tell you.  Not an improvement, but rather a blight.  A blight on our visual landscape.  Yeah, it matters more than you know.  More awful than 31 flavors rebrand a few years back, which also hurt my eyes.  Jack, fuck you and your new logo.  Fuck you.

You are dismissed.

No related posts.

They are called many things around the world; Arse Antlers, Slag Tags and CA license plates, but they’ll always be the tramp stamp to me, a real road map to sadness. This isn’t a post about woman sexually objectifying themselves, or anything like that, men get these too. It’s a post about how joyously embarrassing this trend is, and how I can’t wait to see these in the nursing home.

I’m not anti tattoo, I’m anti tattoo placement.  When its the only tattoo you have, its alarmingly sad.

Lower back tattoos might look great when you’re 18, “hey look at my ass”, but at 60 you’ll be advertising the back of your knees.

Yesterday at the gym I spotted a guy going to the pool with a lower tramp stamp tattoo. From a far it looked like Dolphins, I admittedly got giddy at this shitty idea. But then, when I got a closer look it was the Sistine Chapel’s Michelangelo David and God’s hands. While this tattoo alone is not a bad one, the placement created a whole new context which was hilarious. I wish I got a photo, but taking pictures in the mens locker room is never a good idea.

I know people think they are works of art for their partner to gander at while violently fucking their ass.  But, lets explore some other ideas.  It could be a nice target for a midget to punch you in.

A great place to keep bible verses for quick reference.

A good accessory to show off at Bats Day at disneyland.

But I do love a tramp stamp on a young girl. It really sends  a sophisticated  message don’t you think?

You can get these at Toys R Us if you’re interested.

Tramp stamps are a victim of popular culture which is always changing, sure everyone took out their lip and eyebrow rings but now your left with a cum ridden landing pad for life. Get tattoos, get them all over, spred them out, just don’t get one and put it above your bum. See you at Shady Pines retirement home, I can’t wait to change your diaper!!

No related posts.

Toilet Seat Found at Malo in the Silverlake neighborhood of Los Angeles.

Listen up toilet seat taggers and listen good. Stop carving up my crap can. It must make you feel like a real bad ass laying in bed at night dreaming of all the asses that touched your hack art job. I don’t know if this nuisance exists in the ladies room, but almost every men’s bathroom toilet seat in Los Angeles has some sort of carving in it, and its finally pushed me to dismissal. Not because it angers me, but because its so fucking pointless. When your mom yells at you for being a loser and not being able to read, do you just stomp outside and take to the first toilet seat you can find? Are you going to show her that one day your toilet seat carvings are going to help a presidential hopeful make it to office?

I have to say I like Graffiti. I like it a lot, if your going to disrupt visual space, fucking do it up big. But I’m disappointed in tagging for that reason, its hack. Tagging is like pee you can’t smell, its annoying, territorial, voiceless and artistically weak.

I laugh thinking of the emerging street artist who tries to pull chicks by dropping that he’s a street/bathroom stall artist. I think of him making a toilet side candle light dinner so she can gaze on his artistic achievements. But in reality, people are shitting all over your hard carving work. Massive ass bursts, taco bell blow outs missing the bowl only to blast all over your scribble.  Why waist your talents on being a talentless fecal bandit?

Talented Actor Shia LaBeouf has already an entrepreneur of this classy art form, so back off. Back in last years GQ article he was quoted by saying, “Me and my friends, as an art project, we decided, you know: What canvas has not been really, like, messed with? So we started this toilet-seat collection.” I’ve actually witnessed this art being created in a drive way in Silverlake.

I have no way of knowing if these are his, but I really hope they are.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Toilet seats are not ad space, toilet seats are there so your ass doesn’t sit in shit water.

Leave toilet seat grossness to the Shia LaBeouf toilet seat crew and the Ghoulies.

If you truly need to be gangsta with a toilet seat, use it to kill people.

Toilet Seat taggers, you need to broden your vision, take an art class and make something of yourself before its too late. But for now, you have been dismissed.

No related posts.

I want to repeatedly stab myself in the eyes every time I see a girl
wearing one of these. If you’ve been within 50 miles of Vegas (where
this summer we counted 83 sightings of this crime against fashion in
ONE 24 hour period, often with packs of Jennys and Barbies all wearing
the exact same one just in different colors), perused a People
magazine or driven down Sunset around midnight on any given weekend
this winter, no matter if it’s 40 degrees out, you have seen some
idiot face freezing her bitty ass off in one of these pieces of crap.

What I want to know is if these douchebags understand that while they
are parading around with their labiaplastied lips dangling in the
breeze, they are wearing a LIE. A lie fabricated by some obese pimply
“fashion major” asshole who probably jerks off to girls gone wild, who
decided if he put a band of fabric about 4 inches wide on the bottom,
and the word “Dress” on the tag, these dumb bitches would believe they
were actually spending their dad’s $196 on a dress, instead of a
fucking SHIRT, you assholes! And yes we all know you’re not wearing
any underwear, another “fashion trend” I would like to see buried with
Britney Spears’ career.

So. You tweenies and milfs making weekly trips to your coke dealer
wearing “The Dress”, please for the love of god stay away from me and
my beer. You have been fucking dismissed.

No related posts.

Take a look at this video. See Shepard Fairey there, sneeringly yammering on about how punk rock he is? Now tell me you honestly don’t want to punch him in the face. I realize he’s an easy target, given what a grandiosely pompous douchebag he is. But I’m just so rebellious and independent I can’t resist.

He started out as a street artist. Everywhere I looked I saw his irritatingly ubiquitous viral Obey Giant stickers. Then he became a commercial brand. How the hell did the creator of a bunch of facile, formulaic postmodern wankery end up elevated to a pop culture icon? He’s basically blowing his wad on every bus stop, every billboard… every goddamn surface in our cities. Cover your children’s eyes! There’s another puddle of Shepard Fairey’s spoodge.

And now he’s a fucking DJ. Can we stop stroking his ego please? He’s not a taste maker, he’s a chronic masturbator.

Before anyone BAAWWS about his diabetes, I know, I know. It’s bad form to pick on a cripple. But honestly? Fuck that guy.

Shepard Fairey, you’re dismissed.

No related posts.

I just learned of these mexi generational trend hounds called Borkencyde yesterday. While at first I must admit, I was ready to slap their presents immediately straight out of my face, but then, I was so entranced by how off the rails this was I had to investigate further, which of course confused me more. 

Its no secret that Meat Hat fears the youth of today. But, something has to be said about this mismatch of suburban blight that has actually made something of a mexican hot topic toxic avenger Monster. They are the Toxie of hipster culture, they put it all in a blender, fucked it, went to the mall, bought some shoes, and cut an album. They were able to use all the tends  they’ve learned over the past 15 years, and funneled it all into one big pop toilet.

They got SUV’s, fuck yeah?

They got HeadBands, FUCK YEAH!,

They got acne, (which I think is amazing), Fuck Yeah!

Sorta sound like Limp Bizkit, and Ratatat, and lil wayne. Who knew?

They got a closeted Dirtbag on the digital voice modulator, like most hip hop these days, FUCK yeah!

They name brands, FUCK why?

They choke a bitch, a bitch who is probably their moms best friends daughter who wants to get into modeling, But now she’s been choked on your coke whore music video, FUck yeah!

They got the Senesetive break down, Fuck yeah!

They got tattoos at 15, they got American Apparel v necks, they got hair from Orange County CA Circa 1999. not so fuck yeah, more like fuck ehh!!!

They even use Screamo as a dance beat, which is probably what entranced me to begin with.

But the one thing that Iove most about this, is, they let the closeted Accutane acne kid rule this video, while sweeping the fugly dudes under the suburban rug. Way to treat your fellow dirtbag bros.

If the end of the world is coming in 2012, we might as well fuck it and party till the end. The new youth is a party youth, they will kick holes in your 401ks, they’ll touch your daughters and grab a cinnabon at the mall. Its best not try to educate the youth, they’ll end up just fine in Quartzite AZ.

So while I want to dismiss, I can’t make up my mind, everything I talked about points to a dismissal, but its just so off the mexi charts I can’t. One thing is for sure, their fans have to work at KFC.

How do you feel about Brokencyde?

Take a futher look at their myspace page before you decide.

Related posts:

1. UFFIE: You have been dismissed, now clean up that spot on the couch. I watched this video and felt nothing. All I could...

When I see things like this, it makes me cry.  You just know she’s lost a son or daughter in the war and in her effort to fill that now missing void, she’s turned to eating cake and ‘beautifying’ Pipsy.  And now it become her life.

Please leave your dog alone.

It’s bad enough he has to live his life as a poodle.  It doesn’t matter what kind of half shell you shave into him, he’s still God’s retard dog.  Too awkward to act normal, always jumping wildly to where you’re not really quite sure how to pet it, so you avoid touching the fucker all together.  Or they’re too damn shy to make eye contact at all.  Which make me judge the ice cream eating owner and what she does on lonely cold nights.

How do you think he feels when playing cards with his poodle buddies?
“We know we all look like crap coming outt a the doggie womb, but William you take the cake.”
And forget getting laid.  No ways he’s getting any action dressed as a komodo dragon.

Lady, if you’re looking for something to fill that void, why not collect stickers.  Or dabble in a little bit of meth and give hand jobs behind trash cans, like most of middle america.  At least you’d fit in a little better.  I’d even accept rollerblading 10 hours a day in venice trying to sell love incense for peace.  I don’t want your incense, but please keep your dog out of it.

Crazy dog groomer, you have been dismissed.

More abuse here.

No related posts.

And that is saying a lot for a graphic designer.  So, purple; fuck you… you’ve been dismissed.  I believe Prince’s dismissal covered this a bit, but I wanted to call out this place on the spectrum specifically.

I do not like you and I would not wear you, paint a room with you, drive a car colored by you, recommend you, stare at you, eat you or do anything with you.  Goodbye.

No related posts.