Highly Motivated People: You Have Been Dismissed.

I know you.  You get up at 7am every morning, run 3 miles, shower, and then bike to work.  You work a 12 hour shift at a job you absolutely love.  You go above and beyond your original job description because you have ideas that increase production and profitability.  And your ideas work.  Your boss loves you; he pats you on the back.  You go to the gym on your lunch break, “eating just slows me down,” you tell your coworkers.  Then you still have energy to come home and go out on the town, see a film, hang with friends, and buy drinks for everyone.   Always smiling. Then on weekends you build a new deck in the backyard, plant a citrus tree, or maybe even skydive.  Maybe all three. You throw a barbeque, clean, do laundry, run five more miles, write a draft to a novel you always tossed around in your head, call your parents, tell them you “love them”, tend to the garden, and volunteer at the local YMCA.  Your hair is always perfectly quaffed and you look 5 years younger than your actual age.  You finally go to bed around 2:30am – first one up, last one to bed.

I admire you.  But you’re still dismissed.

Kale: You Have Been Dismissed.

Remember a long time ago, when romaine lettuce seemed exotic? I bought into the idea and was happy eating it: crisp, hearty, and the leaves could stand up to any dressing, no matter how moist. Then baby spinach walked into town and frankly, he had a good run, until…mixed greens. I could tolerate mixed greens – variety is the spice of life sort of thing. But then mixed greens were killed off by the ultimate asshole: kale.

I know it’s a superfood. I know. I get it. You can stop mentioning it every time you order your salad. Seriously. Stop. But let’s be real for a brief moment – kale doesn’t even taste that good. No matter how long I steam it, or cook it, my fork still can’t penetrate its waxy coating. And even when I do manage to get a leaf to my mouth, it’s just bitter and bland.

Let’s stop pretending we enjoy it. Kale, romaine, spinach: they’re all just a vehicle to deliver salad dressing to our mouths. You know you’d rather have a wedge of iceberg with ranch dressing dripping down the side.

But it’s not just kale, it’s the fact that everyone who orders kale is a major dick. They’re the kind of people that have to change everything about the very salad they just ordered (dressing on the side, dried cranberries instead of croutons, tofu instead of chicken, hold the walnuts but add sunflower seeds, and can you steam my kale one-and-a-half minutes longer than you normally do?). It’s just a salad; I promise you it’s nothing important.

Side note: “Kale” is what uppity parents name their bitchy sons. Coincidence?

I’m over it.

Intelligentsia Coffee, Silver Lake: You Have Been Dismissed.

I’m sorry that I walked into your establishment (with a smile mind you), paid $5.50 for a cup of coffee, and then had the audacity to ask you a question. How rude of me. I apologize for not knowing the difference between your Takesi Bolivian beans and your El Machete brew. I’m so terribly naive. Do you hate me? Is it because I’m not wearing a herringbone newsboy golf cap?

Hello? Why are you pretending not to hear me?

I’m saddened that we all sat idle while the act of brewing and pouring coffee rose to an art form. One of us should have objected. Now we are left to deal with baristas who think they are rock stars because they can pour foam into the shape of a heart. What is that anyway? I think it’s time they come up with a new industry standard shape to pour. Perhaps a middle finger? Just saying.

Sunday Brunch With the Girls: You Have Been Dismissed.

(Annoying white girl voice): Mimosa’s anyone? The best cure for a hangover is to drink more! (Followed by loud cackles).

Ugh. Nothing gets me more bummed than seeing a bunch of single women sitting around a table talking loudly about how crazy they got on Saturday night and then eye-fucking every guy that walks by, while eating frittatas and fried potatoes — AND getting drunk at 11am.

You’re single for a reason ladies.

Dismissed.

The Use of the Word “Cray” and/or “Cray-Cray”: You Have Been Dismissed.

To Whom It May Concern,

Recently we have noticed a rash of young-ish business professionals casually spouting the word “cray.”  Thanks Jay-Z and Kanye!  We find this embarrassing.  It sends shivers down our spines every time we hear it.

“Did you see Richard’s 3^rd Quarter financial projections?  That spread sheet was cray-cray.”

Or…

“I absolutely must have that recipe for the red wine poached tofu steak you made the other night.  That shit was cray good.”

If you utter this word or phrase, please stop being difficult and cease using it immediately.  When 30-something, well-off, professionals start using a term it becomes dead for all of us – for eternity.  Maybe that’s a good thing.

Thank you.

The Management

People Who Make Phone Calls While Shitting: You Have Been Dismissed.

It says a lot about where you rank in someone’s life if they call you while they’re taking a shit. I never understood the logic behind it:

“Ah, man, I REALLY need to take a dump. I think I’ll return Steven’s call.”

If you are called by a friend, a colleague, or a lover, while they are engaging in this behavior, I’m going to bet they probably don’t think highly of you. Think about it. The only time in their entire day where they can manage to fit you in and talk, is when they’re semi-nude and crapping.

I don’t want to hear that in the background. I promise. You’re not that fascinating. Let’s all just agree to do our bathroom business in private: no hand held devices and no communication of any kind. Period.

Why is everyone so scared to be alone for 5 minutes anyway?

UFFIE: You have been dismissed, now clean up that spot on the couch.

I watched this video and felt nothing. All I could think of was her leaking on the couch. Youth culture is only awesome when it spits in the face of the norm. This video just celebrates what they will all be doing in 15 years. Only then they will wish they had the memories of working at Hot Dog on a Stick, studying for math class and getting fingered the proper way in sunday school.

Plus, this video has Steve Aoki in it which is a boner killer.

Hollywood Undead: You have been dismissed.

I don’t even have the energy to give this a proper dismissal. I give up. We all are doomed.

Lame (mostly) Indie Band Names – You Have Been Dismissed

These band names totally rule.

Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about (mostly) more recent indie-ish band names that have left me wondering why most of the guys in these bands have larger fallopian tubes than I do. I’m not even touching the metal genre, really, because we all know that metal is kind of the origin of some of the most ridiculous band names ever (hello….Anal Cunt? Cannibal Corpse? Cattle Decapitaiton? Yeah, it’s been covered already).

And by the way: when I say ‘gay’ or ‘faggy’ it does not mean homosexual. I would never insult the gay community – as a culture that can appreciate a nice, big penis (on the boy’s side, at least) they would whole heartedly agree, I believe…

Scary Kids Scaring Kids
It’s just…gay. What the fuck does this mean? I’m so totally NOT scared, nor do I think this belongs in rock n’ roll. Anything with ‘kids’ in the band name is generally not something that your parents are going to ban you listening to. Which means it’s worthless.

Hoobastank
Actually, maybe this is brilliant. It does describe the sound of the band fairly well. And MAN is it stanky.

Cute Is What We Aim For
You have now succeeded in your ‘aim’ to not only be the faggiest band name ever, but you’ve also pronounced yourself as the band least likely to have big dicks and scare mommies. And dudes: you all have the most awful haircuts in emo. And stop whining, for Christ’s sake: we already know how horrible it is to be a young, white, skinny, well dressed, suburban, vanilla, middle-class douche, okay?

Does puke work as a styling aid? I'd love to help them out.

Limp Bizkit
I probably do not need to even explain by now, but at least the band was honest enough when they looked down their collective saggy, urine-soaked pants and decided upon a band name that fit both their music and their impotent talent. Except for that one guitar player who wore the weird makeup and tried to be kinda cool. Kinda, yeah.

Chiodos
It just sounds like something that comes out of your ass after eating 2 double chili cheeseburgers with jalapenos and drinking five 40’s of Olde English. Phheeuuww.

The Devil Wears Prada
Seriously…you’re supposed to be this bad-ass band, and you name yourselves (ironically, you might say?) after a reality-based book on the high fashion industry written by a trendy, romantically inclined completely mainstream chick who loves Jimmy Choos (these guys know what this means) and that was also made into a movie starring Meryl Streep that mothers and grandmothers and girls who wear tons of lip gloss went in droves to see a million times over? Gay, gay gay.

Every Time I Die, For The Fallen Dream, Here I Come Falling, Shadows Fall, Bless The Fall, Every Bridged Burned, From Autumn To Ashes, All That Remains, etc etc etc.
In the age of the internet, it’s astounding to me that someone in any of these bands didn’t do a quick Google search to see if their name sounded like or was similar to any other popular band that was out there. How many times can a band use ‘Fall’ in their name and be on the same tour with another band with ‘Fall’ in their name? Or have to have the same number of syllables as every other band does in their little scene? However, I do think the singer from Shadows Fall has bitchin’ dreadlocks.

Panic! At The Disco
What does that mean? And why are they in rock magazines? Did the band form because they wanted to shock everyone at discotheques with their absolutely bland music that didn’t even have enough rhythm or style for a goddamn disco? If gold lamé and hairless, ball-less music had a name…

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Band meeting: “Hey, let’s come up with the catchiest band name ever…for people who suffer from that disease that Rainman had”. “AWESOME!!!”

Minus The Bear
Band meeting: “Let’s have a band name that really showcases how absolutely cool and weird we really think we are so that everyone really knows how absolutely indie and cool and fucking smart we really are”. “Nah, I’m too high. Let’s just go to that gay club that you always hang out at”. “But, I’m really in the mood for a Bear guy tonight, that club doesn’t attract those types”. “Well, maybe tonight you’ll just have to have a minus-the-bear night, for once”. “Oh shit, wait a minute……”

Jimmy Eat World
I like some of this band’s songs, but what the hell were they thinking? Not Jimmy EatS World, but EAT world. Huh?

The Academy Is…
Is what? And what is the Academy? And what does this have anything remotely to do with rock n’ roll, dudes? Pop another Ritalin and get back to me when you’re working at Kinko’s.

VHS Or Beta
Really now, this whole 80’s revival thing has gone WAY too far.

Billy Talent
Sounds like a name that some kid wanting to be famous makes up for himself in the 1960’s. He has freckles, wears checkered high-water pants, a bow-tie and gets his salad tossed by fake directors wearing handlebar mustaches in seedy Hollywood motel rooms. Poor Billy, he’s now living in an attic in Watts earning his living as Mr. T’s secret, white-boy gimp.

Kottonmouth Kings DISMISSED

Back in my day, you had to worry about the skinheads roaming Huntington Beach pier. Now you must concern yourself with the OC’s very own Insane Clown Posse, The Kottonmouth Kings… Read the rest of this entry »