With the loss of Indie 103.1 in Los Angeles I started to dial into KROQ more often, and I might as well have set myself on fire.

There is nothing cutting edge or “NEW ROCK” about KROQ Its like their MP3 player got caught on repeat. I made myself listen to this hack station for 1 hour at rush hour, to get to the root of my hatred. In one hour, I heard;

Sublime – Date Rape (Fucking worst song ever, I remember a kid in 9th grade giving a report on this song in Political science class. Even then I remember putting my fingers in my ears. Are drunk dead beat bros your only listeners?)

Stone Temple Pilots – Big Empty (Remember this Band? They’ve been gone for over 10 years, This song was in the fucking CROW MOVIE that I had to sneek into because I wasn’t even 17 yet.)

Sponge – Plowed (This band was a one hit wonder, never to be heard from again, except still in heavy rotation at KROQ)

Offspring – Bad Habit (Almost every fucking day sitting in LA traffic they play this song, so cleaver don’t you think?)

Linkin Park – In The End (I always thought everyone knew that Linkin Park was a boy band with Guitars,  an Asian DJ and over hyped music videos? guess not.)

Nirvana – Lithium - (Nirvana was probably the turning point at which KROQ stopped playing Blondie and switched to anything from Seattle. I can’t hate on Nirvana, but they should be left to the oldies station)

MGMT – Kids (The one new song in the line up is still the most over played fucking song of the century, not new, not fresh, not even rock, next.)

The Toadies – Possum Kingdom -(This band never made it, yet, I hear this song all the time. Which leads me to believe, that KROQ has a tonal computer program that analyzes songs based the most pleasant tone rate you will listen to in a rock song, and this song must fit the desired tone, because it sounds like all the shit in rotation.)

Red Hot Chili Pepper – Give it away (Nothing makes me want to beat my wife and crash my car faster then hearing the RHCP, the sad thing is I think I used to like them, but the years of being beat over the head with their slick groove bullshit, I want revenge, I want them dead from the airwaves.This song is from fucking 1991, kids can now vote that were born with this song came out.)

Papa Roach – Life Line (Papa Roach was a rip off of a better band called THE DEFTONES who never got the love they deserved or the air play. This may be a newer song but Still, Papa Roach is boy band factory bullshit.)

Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the name (I can’t lie, I like RATM, but they are long gone, let them be silenced, no one listened to their message then, no one is listening now, shhhhhh)

System of a down – Sugar ( This gimmick song was lame 10 year ago, its lame now and it will be laughed at for all time, stop playing it)

Incubus – Anna Molly ( This song made my butthole shiver, sounded like I’ve heard it before, it sounds like all their shit. Are people really still listening to Incubus? Didn’t they steal Into anothers sound?)

Lastly

Cold Play – Lost ( I pulled over my car, cut my dick off and fed it to a homeless lady.)

I have to say this wasn’t a flash back lunch or weekend, this was primetime traffic time.

KROQ why haven’t you evolved? The sad demise of Indie 103.1FM in Los Angeles has really shown you for the sad puppet you are. Your hosts are soulless, I can almost hear the gun clicking in Jed the Fish’s mouth as he talks in gibberish about Panic at the Disco. Your morning Zoo is so past due for a make over, your hosts don’t even live in Los Angeles. The only shinning light to your frequency is Love Line, Love Line taught me everything I needed to know  about rim jobs and blumpies when I was 8 years old.

KROQ, you are a zombie, you are holding a generation back from moving on with their lives. Give Rodney on the Rock a full retimerment package and a VIP area some where and stop your broadcast immediatly.

KROQ, you are not world famous, you are the brett Ratner of radio. You have been dismissed.

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FAR what the fuck? While doing research for dismissing KROQ 106.7 FM (coming soon) I’ve heard this song that I swear sounds like Nickelback  singing about being horny and riding on his pony. (listen here)

The song makes me want to crash my car, find the singer and make him pay for it.  Each time the song was over, they play it non stop,  they kept saying. “that was Far.”  I kept thinking, who took over Far’s name, and then tainted the airwaves with this shit? Then I prayed it was a band called Farm, just like always, my prayers were unanswered.

Taking to google, the whole thing is true, Far does indeed sing this song, with my lack of Hip Hop knowledge I didn’t know it was a cover of a popular Ginuwine rap song.

Check it here.

That gives it some kitsch, but still. It sounds like Nickelback and creed playing a backyard BBQ, with VH1 Rock of love chicks waxing their boobs to this track. I don’t have problems with sexually explicit lyrics, they can be fun, but this song is just lazy, and the fact that I hate it means it will do really well.

Far, I was a fan 10 year ago when I’d see you repeatedly at the showcase in Corona, we even lost our keys in your mosh pit and had to spend the night in the parking lot, I was a fan 4 months ago when I paid for over priced tickets to your show at the Troubadour Under your Hot little Pony name. Which, was a great show, and the skeleton girl fans in the balcony made it laughably memerable.

But, Jonah if this is a ploy to take down hip hop, or a last ditch effort to sell out for the masses, I’m afraid you’ll have to go it alone. Far you are dead to me, I’ve always wished you well, and was excited you were making a come back, I wanted better for you then this bilb on the chart you will be remembered for. You have been dismissed. Enjoy your new Nickelback fans, they’ll take you places. Places you’ve never wanted to go.

I almost wish, one line drawing would do the hip hop covers with R2D2 as the back up hoe.

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I see you, 45-year-old man driving by yourself in your mother (who you live with)’s borrowed car to go lurk on twelve year olds at the batting cages. It is totally depressing that the only form of self-expression you are capable of is to leave your faded-ass Garfield or Hello Kitty stuffed animals in the window of your car. SO MANY of them, too. And of course there’s a Kleenex box tucked back there in between Sunshine Bear and Rainbow Bear, for when you are driving 50 in the slow lane on the freeway and someone gives you the finger and you pull over to have a good cry about all the mean people and injustice in the world. WTF. We know you’re a virgin, ok? And we know about your Hair Club for Men membership and the Jingle Cats and Michael Bolton discs you keep in heavy rotation.

Nobody wants to witness this four-wheeled cry for help in the form of lavender polar bears, Shrek wearing a pleather 49ers jersey and other worthless shit you pulled out of the claw machine at Denny’s after spending like, seventeen dollars. We want to get hopped up on Sparks (r.i.p.) and run your fat ass over, put you out of your misery and forget about you forever, but then somebody would probably put fucking stuffed animals on top of your coffin and we’d have to kill them, too. A vicious cycle.

So. If you have some weird obsession with tiny plush objects, please do the rest of the world a favor and keep it in your PANTS. Leave Scooby and Scrappy Doo at home, decorating your bed, so that you have something to greet you when you walk through the door after a long hard day of touching yourself in the movie theatre bathroom during your fifth screening of Twilight. Because I guarantee you, that’s as good as it’s gonna get.

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It takes talent to entertain people. Talent should not to be mistaken with ability or skill, which, like singing or playing piano can be learned. Real talent comes from being exceptionally good at something. Not marginally, or even modestly so.

The fear of being bad is what makes people good. You sad sacks should know that better than anyone.

Born from a desire to express the pain felt from rejection, it takes willful determination to prove to the majority that you matter. That’s why minorities run the show in the entertainment industry. Jews, Homos, African Americans, Women, we’ve got that shit on lock. All the innovation in comedy, dance, pop, hip-hop, and drama… it’s in our DNA (pssst, that’s science).

In the, dare I say, evolution of entertainment Christians emerge from the shallowest, watered down gene  pool; confined by tradition to tell the same tired ol’ story over and over again. Artists, on the other hand, ironically turn their eyes toward the heavens to explore truth with curiosity, in spite of the ire of ignorance.

The even bigger irony here is that the fag clearly choreographed the whole number! Perhaps they let him do it as a reward for completing cycle 3 of his ‘Pray the Gay Away’ course.

A particular brand of pride is necessary to aspire to greatness. Just ask your pastor. All the guilt slinging, righteous judgment, and condemnation that Christians typically project outward is no match for the self criticism and doubt that is the internal gift of  legit entertainers. One that keeps on giving in hope of receiving acceptance. It is no more God’s gift than it is his sentence.

You see, humility is the enemy of ego. A healthy amount of ego woulda spared you the embarrassment of say, having to watch this video with St. Peter and George Carlin before they let you enter the pearly gates. As long as these yolks keep lying to themselves that they are doing it just to “praise him”, they will never satisfy the ancient instinctual urge to progress. To be better.

Now, if this was all satire, you’d be my fucking savior. Sadly, your pious performance is all too sincere. And so it seems to me to be the ultimate betrayal. For if God is indeed great, and we, fashioned in his image, do not reflect this, the blood of the sacrificial lamb is not, in fact, thicker than the tears of a clown. Therefore Christian Entertainers; you have been dismissed.

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Look Sublime; you made a few albums, congratulations. Now go the fuck away.

Sublime is like a curse, its worse then 2pac coming out with albums well beyond the grave, because all I hear over and over anywhere I go is Sublime. People are shocked when they hear I hate sublime. They think they’re the most talented band ever and I should kill myself for thinking otherwise. But to those people, I think Sublime makes you feel good about being a fat, stoner beer whore. The music must release the good ol’ day themes back to when you’d beer bong out of some girls pussy in a Huntington Beach backyard pool party.

Sublime is what was playing in the background  at the  Lemon Party. Why? Because old fat dudes love sublime. Long Beach California will forever be tarnished by this bronado of ska and reggae.  I know that music is subjective, but, really people? Can’t we let them go? They don’t need to be on the radio 24/7, they don’t need to be in commercials and they don’t need to be celebrated on your car bumper stickers any longer. Its been 12 years since they last came out with an album, lets move on.

Sublime, your time has come and gone. Don’t reunite. Get off my lawn, I have released the hounds. You Have been Dismissed.

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I just learned of these mexi generational trend hounds called Borkencyde yesterday. While at first I must admit, I was ready to slap their presents immediately straight out of my face, but then, I was so entranced by how off the rails this was I had to investigate further, which of course confused me more. 

Its no secret that Meat Hat fears the youth of today. But, something has to be said about this mismatch of suburban blight that has actually made something of a mexican hot topic toxic avenger Monster. They are the Toxie of hipster culture, they put it all in a blender, fucked it, went to the mall, bought some shoes, and cut an album. They were able to use all the tends  they’ve learned over the past 15 years, and funneled it all into one big pop toilet.

They got SUV’s, fuck yeah?

They got HeadBands, FUCK YEAH!,

They got acne, (which I think is amazing), Fuck Yeah!

Sorta sound like Limp Bizkit, and Ratatat, and lil wayne. Who knew?

They got a closeted Dirtbag on the digital voice modulator, like most hip hop these days, FUCK yeah!

They name brands, FUCK why?

They choke a bitch, a bitch who is probably their moms best friends daughter who wants to get into modeling, But now she’s been choked on your coke whore music video, FUck yeah!

They got the Senesetive break down, Fuck yeah!

They got tattoos at 15, they got American Apparel v necks, they got hair from Orange County CA Circa 1999. not so fuck yeah, more like fuck ehh!!!

They even use Screamo as a dance beat, which is probably what entranced me to begin with.

But the one thing that Iove most about this, is, they let the closeted Accutane acne kid rule this video, while sweeping the fugly dudes under the suburban rug. Way to treat your fellow dirtbag bros.

If the end of the world is coming in 2012, we might as well fuck it and party till the end. The new youth is a party youth, they will kick holes in your 401ks, they’ll touch your daughters and grab a cinnabon at the mall. Its best not try to educate the youth, they’ll end up just fine in Quartzite AZ.

So while I want to dismiss, I can’t make up my mind, everything I talked about points to a dismissal, but its just so off the mexi charts I can’t. One thing is for sure, their fans have to work at KFC.

How do you feel about Brokencyde?

Take a futher look at their myspace page before you decide.

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Best if viewed in high quality quicktime

I’m really struggling with this new singer dude Chris Dane Owens. I’ve never heard of him before, I just watched his video, I have to admit I was really entertained, not because it was good, but because I wondered when the hard core porn was going to start. In his bio it talks about his music having a “Gleam of Techno-wizardry.” To me that’s not something you put in writing about yourself ever. Chris Dane Owens is a Los Angeles native, this fact to me is insane, because if this dude was from Norway he’d be hands down the coolest guy ever, but the fact he grew up in the sunshine, near disneyland, there is no excuse for his lord of the rings pale vampire ex twink bravado. I’m really conflicted, because this is everything I live for to pass my day, but then, a lot of time, money, and effort was put into this and I really don’t think he is joking. Even comeidans want you to laugh with them, and not at them. At the end of the amazing video it says, “Love Has Enemies”, at which you’re waiting for Fabio to come out and say, “I Can’t Believe its not art”, or something. The video was done by the special effects artist who did Ace Ventura Pet Detective, which, really makes me not want to dismiss him. I’m really conflicted. Help.

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I hate Britney Spears.  I don’t care that it’s her birthday week and I don’t care that she’s “getting it together” now for a come back.  The bitch cannot sing.  Period.  She is a product of the record label marketing machines who’s only job is to crank out skank whores like Britney until they’re spent.  And this bitch has lasted WAY too long.  “Hit me baby one more time…?”  How about I hit you ten more times.

She’s nothing more than a former Mouseketeer from Kentwood, Louisiana with frighteningly wide set eyes, fake tits, fake ass, fake nose, calf implants….do I need to go on?  Let’s talk about the voice.  WTF?  Jesus Christ, she sucks.  It’s like a cross between helium, The Chipmunks, and a queef.  A really stanky queef.

You’re white trash.  I have cousins with more class than you – who’ve also had multiple divorces, child neglect charges, jail terms, and shaved heads and pussies.  You disgust me.  You’ve been given everything and continue to suck at both your art and life.  I hate you even more for making Kevin Federline look like a responsible adult.  Wait, maybe I hate you most for the Madonna kiss…or helping Perez Hilton’s readership.

Put on some fucking shoes, some Goddamned underwear (I never want to see your shaved purpose again), put your kids in car-seats and stop sleeping with paparazzi just to get your picture taken you fucking shit bag no-talent cunt.

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Lady GaGa, I just don’t get you, you make no sense to me, I can’t even
pretend you do. I’ve heard others rave about you so I’ve tuned in to see
what all the buzz is about. When I first laid eyes on you I was convinced
you were a Tranny Hooker who got her lucky break while working a taco
stand in Hollywood. But then I came to find out your actually a woman.
What’s the deal? You dress like a bad art installation and you sing like a bad pop
star. A lightening bolt on the side of your face? Pretty clever if your
Ziggy Stardust and it’s 1973. You’re Douche Blah Blah and it’s 2008. This is not
acceptable.

Your face is devoid of emotion as if you have no soul. What possesses your
insides to make you devoid of any human emotion? Who will save your soul?
Jewel’s too busy trying to save her own so I guess there’s no hope for you.

Why do peeps think your dated call to ‘Just Dance’ while swiveling with your
robot dancers equals the next great dance diva? What sort of Gay Jonestown
Kool-Aid are you giving people? I’m tired of asking these questions.

Further reasons as to why you are dismissed…
1. Your name is derived from the Queen song ‘Radio GaGa.’ Apparently in
reference to you being as dramatic as Freddie Mercury. Please, Freddie
Mercury’s mustache had more personality and drama than your washed up techno douche review.
2. Your real name is Joanne Stefani Germanotta. You’ve been pretentious since birth apparently.
3. You were originally signed and dumped by Def Jam after 3 months.
4. You opened for New Kids On The Block reunion tour as well as singing on
their album.
5. Your DJ/Producers name is Space Cowboy (Someone needs to dismiss DJ
names).

Lady GaGa aka Joanne Stefani Germanotta, you are Dismissed! Now just fucking
go away okay.

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First of all, how many bands make ONE album worth of great material? An album where every song belongs? It does happen, but it is obviously extremely rare. So I find it very dickey when bands, in the name of being artists, decide that instead of giving their fans 3 good songs out of 15, why not give them 6 good songs out of 30?

If I brought home a history test in grade school and got 6 questions out of 30 right and the other 24 wrong, my parents would be disappointed. Because that is an “F”.

Why not just make the fucking greatest album ever that only has 6 songs? Why not? Who says you have to have over 10 songs to make an album?

So think back at some of the double albums of the last 30 – 45 years and ask yourself how many where necessary? And how many were self indulgent, “this sounded like a great idea when we were high and jamming in the studio , and talking about how we were going to change the world, but now I’m embarrassed that we decided to devote an entire other album on top of the one we already have in the can so we can include songs like the piece of shit we just recorded,” moments.

Stadium Arcadium. I’m sure we’re all going to be telling our kids 20 years from now where we were and what we were doing the summer this album came out. I already forgot.

In Your Honor. How about just making one good album? Acoustic OR electric.

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Use Your Illusion I and II. Look I admit “November Rain” still gets me misty eyed but only a couple songs earlier is “Back off Bitch.”

I know what you’re saying. What about the classics? Pink Floyd’s The Wall? The White Album? Prince’s Sign O’ the Times?

And yes, these are in fact very good albums, some of which I own and enjoy. But even with these double albums it’s hard to justify their length. And you can easily point to songs that just plain suck:

The Wall (easily the most egomaniacal album in history – some good songs but really, Roger Waters needs to calm the fuck down and learn how to edit). We get it’s a concept album, but songs like, “Empty Spaces.” Really? Pretty sure we didn’t need that one.

The White Album. “Obla-di, Obla-da”. I think I just proved my point.

Sign O’ the Times. I love Prince and a strong album…but still the rule applies in my opinion . Pretty much take side three, throw in “Starfish and Coffee” and “Housequake”…and boom a much better album.

I’m sure I’ll take shit for ripping on some of the “classic” albums, but I really do believe less is more. Think of any solid double album and then tell me it wouldn’t be better condensed into one.

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