ShamWow Guy – Already Dismissed.

Posted: April 14th, 2009 By: Oedipus Red | Under: Celebrity, Entertainment, Hookers, Infomercials, TV, dismissed, people

'I can't do this all day, people...'
‘I can’t do this all day, people…’

I was freakily drawn to watching those commercials….his one good eye emptily staring you down through your television, the 80s reject-frat boy haircut, and the unbelievably corny, over-the-top sales pitch coming from in between the horsey teeth.  An admittedly sad obsession, but I loved it when those freakin’ ShamWow advertisements came on.  And I always wondered in my mind…’who would fuck this guy, for reals?’

This week I found out, when Mr. ShamWow (aka Vince Shlomi aka Vince Offer) was arrested for beating a hooker, HIS hooker.  Because she supposedly bit his tongue while they were, uh, embracing.  (get thought out of head NOW!  *shiver*).  All of those nifty little super doo-rags Aunt Crotchety bought so that she could better wipe up Grandpa’s Depends overflows all went to Shammy (he’s a celebrity now, gotta have a nickname) buying hookers and staying in expensive luxury resorts. 

'Where are those fucking ShamWows when you need one'?

'Where are those fucking ShamWows when you need one'?

And did you know that he’s in ‘the film business’ too?  He’s sued everyone from 20th Century Fox to Anna Nicole Smith, claiming they stole parts of a film he made.  An ex-Scientologist, he even sued the church, alleging that ‘the church had declared him a criminal and had urged its members to commit libel against him’.  Wow, the more I know about him the more I’m sickeningly intrigued.  Man, if he wasn’t loser enough for the Scientologists to keep him around…

Way to go Shammy!  You must be one of those super motivated, non-stop salesmen whose rage is unleashed by dozens of shots of Jagermeister.

It’s gotta make you wonder, too, though…what the hell was he doing, that a PAID whore wanted to bite off his tongue?  Did he start to rub her down with ShamWows, did he start jacking off and then insist that she wipe up the mess with ShamWows?   Did he just start fucking a ShamWow in her face?

 

0327092sham1

Sad, sad, sad, Shammy – I don’t gotta dismiss you, you already done it yourself.  I’ll miss your infomercials, dude, in the most ashamed of ways.  They really sold themselves.

 

 

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Don Wildman: Stay Underground, You have been dismissed.

Posted: February 19th, 2009 By: Release the Hounds | Under: Celebrity, Douche Bag Uniform, people | Tags: , , ,

donwildman

Don Wildman just drips with gross. Watching him on screen sends me rolling aound the house infected with Douche Shivers. How can this dude, act the roll of someone worth watching and then act it so poorly? Who is the real Don Wildman? Why is he trying to be a modern day Don Draper trolling under old cities?  His only credential is being an actor. Shit, anyone with an english accent would be more credible then this tick.

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Treating Children as Equals: You Have Been Dismissed

Posted: February 17th, 2009 By: bacon dumpling | Under: Douche Bag Uniform, dismissed, people

childgeniusThe other day I was out eating sushi, in a fairly nice place, the kind of place where I wouldn’t have (or shouldn’t have) been allowed in until I was at least 30 and learned how to behave myself, and seated at the table next to me is this little cuss of a bastard with his hot Mom, out on a weekly date. Read the rest of this entry »

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Women Who Swear They’re Off Their Period. Seriously, C’mon. Dismissed.

Posted: February 15th, 2009 By: Yogurt Donor | Under: Things I Dated, dismissed, people | Tags: , , ,

APTOPIX SPAIN FIESTA TOMATINA

 

Just be a little more responsible…and honest.  That’s all I’m asking.  I don’t like pulling out of your meat curtains and seeing that my baby arm has turned red.  You know when your period is over,  let’s not play dumb anymore.  Okay?  Thanks a lot.

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KROQ 106.7FM: Your Broadcast is old, You have been dismissed.

Posted: February 11th, 2009 By: meat hat | Under: Douche Bag Uniform, Music, Technology, dismissed, people | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

kroqLet me start off this dismissal by stating I’m over the age of 30 and  I’ve grown up with KROQ for as long as I can remember, I know that its been shit for many many years, but its always been on my preset in my car stereo. However, this is a day to remember, I erased it, hopefully to never be heard from again. Read the rest of this entry »

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Billy Mays: You are dismissed.

Posted: February 2nd, 2009 By: JerkStore | Under: Advertising, TV, dismissed, people | Tags: , , , YouTube Preview Image

Dear Billy Mays,
What is your deal? You are always shouting at me proclaiming you’ve just discovered something so amazing it will change the way humans live their lives. The product could be completely life altering, however your ear numbing sales pitch completely negates the products usefulness.

Billy, you’re like that guy that stands outside 7-11 ringing a bell asking you to donate money. Except replace the ringing bell with an annoying, blue shirt wearing, bearded, screaming douche face. Nothing is more un-motivating, than having some bear-man yell at you to buy something you know you don’t need like: OxiClean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, Engrave It, Handy Switch, Mighty Ment-it, Mighty Putty, The Ding King or the Big City Slider Station. You’re screaming commercials at me like a gorilla on a 4 day meth binge that is about to be tranquilized.

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College: You have Been Dismissed.

Posted: January 28th, 2009 By: meat hat | Under: dismissed, people | Tags: ,

college1

Meat Hat:

College; what a great distraction from the real world you were. You were expensive, full of horny lustful girls, testosterone crazy dudes, booze and a class or two. Read the rest of this entry »

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Inattentive parents: You have been dismissed

Posted: January 26th, 2009 By: JerkStore | Under: dismissed, people | Tags: , ,

kid1

Oh look dear… mommy’s little angel is running around in circles all over the restaurant. How cute! He is picking up the silverware and pulling out the chairs. Awww, they are just so precious.

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Flat-Billed Hats: You have been dismissed.

Posted: January 26th, 2009 By: cracker man | Under: Clothes, Douche Bag Uniform, dismissed, fashion, people

new_era

I love hats.  They’re great for a ton of useful things like hiding a fucked up hair cut from Super Cuts.  What I hate, are flat-billed hats and the people that wear them.  Who are you? Fucking Charlie Brown?

soe60p

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Poopy Butt: You are Dismissed

Posted: January 20th, 2009 By: JerkStore | Under: dismissed, people | Tags: , , , ,

image002

People, come on. Its not that hard. After you poo, wipe your ass until the brown on the toilet paper is gone. Otherwise, you will have flies on your butt like the lady above.

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