Red Velvet Everything: You Have Been Dismissed.

Posted: June 6th, 2012 By: Yogurt Donor | Under: Something I Ate, dismissed, food

It started with cupcakes about a decade ago.  Then, like a virus, it spread rapidly…to pancakes, waffles, frozen yogurt, doughnuts, cheesecake, whoopie pies, onion rings, and even cocktails.  Yeah, I said onion rings.  Then everyone got so fat they just started sticking chunks of red velvet cake into gelato.  How has the red velvet era lasted this long and how has nothing overtaken it?  Who is not bored by this flavor at this point?

Red velvet has joined the ranks of bacon and butter – a food crutch; a fast and easy way to satisfy chunksters everywhere.

Wake up America.  Come to the party with something new.  I don’t want your dried up, uninspired cakes.  It’s not charming anymore.   What’s more  is, I don’t want to see your proud smile as you watch everyone eat your boring, over-iced creations at a party or potluck, like you’re some culinary mastermind.   We’re eating them because we’re drunk off our asses, not because they’re good.  So settle down sweetheart and make a pie next time.  Preferably a berry one.

Red Velvet, you did nothing more than pour some red dye into chocolate cake batter one day.  From there, you started a revolution.  And you had a solid decade — be happy.  But now it’s time to call your bluff and inform you that you have been dismissed.

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Quiznos “free” subs: You are Dismissed.

Posted: February 26th, 2009 By: cracker man | Under: Advertising, Places, Something I Ate, dismissed

I know you don’t have a theme song as catchy as Subways, and your fucked up little hamster abortions are long gone, but your Million Sub giveaway isn’t going to help you win over new customers.

quiznos_roastbeef Read the rest of this entry »

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BEEF JERKY!:Rot In Hell. If only you could….Dismissed.

Posted: February 25th, 2009 By: Dinkydoo | Under: Something I Ate, dismissed | Tags: , , , ,

beef-jerky

Dear Beef Jerky-
You’re gross, I fucking hate you!
No wait. I’m sorry. That is a pathetic lie. Not so much the HATE thing, more the GROSS thing. You are a lot of things, you are certainly not gross. Read the rest of this entry »

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The Absolutely Common Practice of Eating Other Dudes Farts: You Have Been Dismissed

Posted: January 29th, 2009 By: bacon dumpling | Under: Fartbonging, Something I Ate

fartDude I get it. We all want to rig up a fart bong and suck down some smelly air once in a while, but the thing is, we’re all wrong to want this. Read the rest of this entry »

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Peta: You have been dismissed.

Posted: January 28th, 2009 By: meat hat | Under: Bad Girls, Celebrity, Politics, Something I Ate, dismissed, fashion | Tags: , ,

alicia_peta

Peta listen up, sex isn’t saving animals. Objectifying women only worked for Princes’ career, it doesn’t save cows. Read the rest of this entry »

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Suicide Girls: You Have Been Dismissed

Posted: January 22nd, 2009 By: bacon dumpling | Under: Bad Girls, Pron, Something I Ate

bath03How many photosets do people need to see depicting girls looking completely bored and as dazed as if they had been kicked in the head by a horse while taking a bath? Read the rest of this entry »

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Fat America w/ Technology – Tivo and Dominos: You are Dismissed.

Posted: January 20th, 2009 By: meat hat | Under: Something I Ate, Technology, dismissed | Tags: , , , , YouTube Preview Image

Tivo has enabled obese people with no legs to order Dominos pizza from their Tivo remote straight on their couch as they enjoy their recorded marathon of THE BIGGEST LOSER.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Tuna in Shared Spaces: You Have Been Dismissed.

Posted: January 16th, 2009 By: meat hat | Under: Rude, Something I Ate | Tags: , ,

charlietuna

You would think this would be a common rule, but people don’t seem to understand you can’ t eat tuna sandwiches or salads in a small space with other people!!!!! Tuna is to be enjoyed by single people alone in their sad apartment.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Bacon in Everything: You Have Been Dismissed

Posted: December 23rd, 2008 By: bacon dumpling | Under: Something I Ate, dismissed | Tags:

Something happened in 2008 that injected the idea into the public consciousness that bacon is the solution to all of your problems. I am quite sure this notion started with Paula Dean’s fat, ignorant mouth. Read the rest of this entry »

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Potluck Dinners: You have been Dismissed.

Posted: December 19th, 2008 By: meat hat | Under: Something I Ate, dismissed | Tags:

Look, I know you touch your junk all day, I touch my junk all day. I’ve met your girlfriend, I know for sure she touches her junk,  and I don’t want to eat her vegan meat loaf. Read the rest of this entry »

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