CRYING DURING SEX: You Have Been DISMISSED

hurts so good

(note: this was originally titled “Small, Sad Pussy: you have been DISMISSED”)

I know you love me. You tell me all the fuckin’ time. I know, you know.

WE KNOW.

When I’m love/hate-fucking you to the ends of the Earth, something strange happens: you CRY. Read the rest of this entry »

KFC Workers Fired For Bathing In Sink: You Have Been Dismissed…Again.

Listen up you Norther Californian KFC corn fed party lesbians. Who the fuck is you to think you can dip your pubescent pussy lips into the sink in a fast food restaurant? Read the rest of this entry »

NuggNuts: You Have Been Dismissed

What the fucking hell is wrong with McDonalds?

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Macaroni Grill: You Have Been Dismissed.

The other weekend, I had the sheer displeasure of heading over to ROMANO’S MACARONI GRILL for my Uncle’s Birthday.  Now I love my Uncle and would walk to the end of the Olive Garden or even Bucca Di Bepo for him.  I’m just saying, that one step through Romano’s door and I knew that my order would consist of a singular Iced Tea (hold the lemon please) with a later stop at the Taco Truck – Taco Zone. Two hours later, I emerged from the faux stone building where we left a Crayon covered Paper Table, and my mind.

Oh Macaroni Grill HELL…What has ‘Merica come to?!

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Britney Spears: You Have Been Dismissed

I hate Britney Spears.  I don’t care that it’s her birthday week and I don’t care that she’s “getting it together” now for a come back.  The bitch cannot sing.  Period.  She is a product of the record label marketing machines who’s only job is to crank out skank whores like Britney until they’re spent.  And this bitch has lasted WAY too long.  “Hit me baby one more time…?”  How about I hit you ten more times.

She’s nothing more than a former Mouseketeer from Kentwood, Louisiana with frighteningly wide set eyes, fake tits, fake ass, fake nose, calf implants….do I need to go on?  Let’s talk about the voice.  WTF?  Jesus Christ, she sucks.  It’s like a cross between helium, The Chipmunks, and a queef.  A really stanky queef.

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Garnish. You’ve Been Dismissed.

Dear Garnish-

I hate to break it to you. But someone has to let you know.

You’re a THIRD WHEEL. You’re a $$23 Million Dollar US Enterprise Wasting Food, Farmer’s Time, and Natural Resources. Get a date with someone who needs you.  Get off my plate.

Let me compartmentalize it in the following manner:

1. Define “Third Wheel”
2. Explain What You’ve Done To Warrant It
3. Describe What You Can Do To Make A Change

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McDonalds of Quartzite, Arizona: You Have Been Dismissed

I enjoy a temporary roadside community as much as the next guy. So I was very excited to go to Quartzite, Arizona. Home of many rock and gem outlets, mobile pizza and taco establishments and a giant, pink structure that promised “cheap deals”.

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Your Feelings; They Have Been Dismissed

Look, your feelings don’t mean shit. Read the rest of this entry »

Bob; You and Your Big Boy Have Been Dismissed

Bob, you and your “Big Boy” used to be American Icons. I remember eating your hamburgers when I was a kid, and I mean sure I was a kid so I liked anything sandwiched between two buns, but I remember your food being at least, well, food. Then the tough years came, and you guys went into hiding, but I found you you fat fuck. I found you out in the desert by Barstow recently. And I went inside and I sat down and I ordered the fried sampler platter. You know why?

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