City Fixed-Gear Riders: You Have Been Dismissed

I know this is probably redundant, because dismissing you is so obvious it hurts, but OH, for the love of GOD, you fixed gear bicycle riders in the city. You’re so tough…defiantly helmet-free, death wish in your pocket, NO FEAR. Playing chicken with cab drivers, flipping off anyone and everyone who dares get in your way, sneering through your Ray-Bans at the pathetic city bike with the handbrakes (psshhh, so ’98) stopping next to you at the signal (when you can be bothered to obey traffic signals, that is). Read the rest of this entry »

The Tramp Stamp: You Been Dismissed.

They are called many things around the world; Arse Antlers, Slag Tags and CA license plates, but they’ll always be the tramp stamp to me, a real road map to sadness. Read the rest of this entry »

Chest Mustache: You Have Been Dismissed.

I really hope I can stop this before it starts. Please don’t try this at home. Life is about being fuckable, and this isn’t fuckable. Please stop. It’s not even sorta funny. Chest Mustache, You have been dismissed.

“The Dress”: You Have Been Dismissed

I want to repeatedly stab myself in the eyes every time I see a girl
wearing one of these. Read the rest of this entry »

Crocs: You have seriously been dismissed.

Earlier today I saw a guy wearing red track suit pants, a cowboy hat, and purple Crocs. I literally felt like my head was going to explode. Read the rest of this entry »

CRYING DURING SEX: You Have Been DISMISSED

hurts so good

(note: this was originally titled “Small, Sad Pussy: you have been DISMISSED”)

I know you love me. You tell me all the fuckin’ time. I know, you know.

WE KNOW.

When I’m love/hate-fucking you to the ends of the Earth, something strange happens: you CRY. Read the rest of this entry »

Gym Douche: You have been dismissed

“Can I work in there?!”

gym douche

No! You’re dripping sweat through your weird microfiber super-hero style ‘workout gear’. You make really awful guttural groaning noises when you ‘rip on your delts’. And; EVERY OTHER MACHINE IS AVAILABLE!

Seriously, go drip somewhere else! Why do you want to use MY machine? Why do you want to get in MY ‘zone’?

As it is, you take up way too much of my visual landscape. I don’t know who is more distracted by your biceps, me, or your reflection. In either case you are clearly showcasing them for our enjoyment. Or so you think.

Here’s what we’re both thinking:

“Um, where’s his neck?”

“Ew. Veins.”

“Oooh, shit he makes ugly faces.”

“Is he really listening to ‘Snap’?”

Read the rest of this entry »

Brokencyde: Dismissed or Not Dismissed?

Watch this till the end, then read on.

I just learned of these mexi generational trend hounds called Borkencyde yesterday. While at first I must admit, I was ready to slap their presents immediately straight out of my face, but then, I was so entranced by how off the rails this was I had to investigate further, which of course confused me more.  Read the rest of this entry »

Creative Grooming: You Have Been Dismissed

When I see things like this, it makes me cry.  Read the rest of this entry »

Headbands; You Have Been Dismissed

I went to a show a few weeks ago, and the newest big thing out of Silverlake was playing. They sort of one-upped the old band trick of having a hot girl play keyboards, by having two hot girls play keyboards. Both of these broads were wearing little tiny leather headbands. They looked like LARPERS from a Never Ending Story specific universe.

When I went to find photos on the internets about headbands, I found this piece of copy which really states the argument for dismissal better than I ever could:

“Wearing headbands is the easiest way to obtain a hippie chic. Many celebs from Elle Machperson to Mischa Barton, Ashley Simpson and Nicole Richie were seen wearing this instant style piece. You can team up the headband with a pair of wide leg jeans and bohemian tunic or kaftan. Another way to look the ultimate glam hippy is pairing the headband with a flowy maxi dress.”

Flowy and maxi are not two words I would ever put together unless I was talking about cunt gravy, which only happens on Easter Sunday. But I digress, the point is, Fuck You and your stupid headband. You have been dismissed.