Just be a little more responsible…and honest.  That’s all I’m asking.  I don’t like pulling out of your meat curtains and seeing that my baby arm has turned red.  You know when your period is over,  let’s not play dumb anymore.  Okay?  Thanks a lot.

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Leslie George Kistner the third, also known as “Vampire Lord” or “God”, wants to give you free oral sex. Unfortunately, some restrictions apply. Like, for instance, “You Must Be Clean”– Seriously? You think any woman that responds to an internet ad for free oral sex from some demented redneck pseudo-goth is not going to have the clap? And she has to smell good too? Also thank you for reminding me the benefits to having an orgasm.

But seriously, how many ladies want to road trip to Kentucky with me?

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Click here to watch Dr. Meat Hat explain party lesbians.

Definition: Straight girls who make out in male dominated party situations.

I do judge a “good/bad movie”  by the amount of Party Lesbians it boasts (see. Lost Boys Lost Tribe). But in the real time world Party Lesbians are so starved for male testosterone attention they’ll go at it at parties just to get the attention their families never gave them. They want the benefits of attention without all the real pain it really takes to be a actual homosexual.

At a party I’m sure its easier for loose women to make out with some other girl, kissing girls is soft like kissing angles wings, I can see it being better then making out with dudes, which feels like rubbing up on a Chore Boy Scrub.

I’m sure licking tequila off another girls nipples feels right in the moment when 50 guys are standing around chanting you to do it.  Why not, its what the crowd wants. You’re a star, if only for 3 mins.

Party Lesbians in California probably identified with No on Prop 8 for a little bit because they kissed a girl and they liked it, they liked the taste of her cherry chap stick. But once they went to vote they most likely voted Yes, because they too wanted to keep the joy of dabbling in something WRONG, and if it where RIght, well, then it wouldn’t be sexy or taboo anymore.

Men, I get the allure of watching a party lesbian at a party.  But what you have to realize is that they are doing this for you. There are no lesbian’s that go to drunk bro/frat/juggalo/pimp and hoe parties. They are home feeding their cats, greasing up their motorbike or being way more awesome and productive with their time. In reality they’re just like all single people, they’re probably drunk somewhere else away from men, all making out. But let’s face it, men are really upset by actual lesbians, because their penis serves no purpose in the matter.

Woman that are truly homosexual don’t need to make out on kegs at a party, they don’t need your approval and they really don’t need a man boner.

Party Lesbians, the real way to a mans lust in the long run; Brains. They need a strong woman to tell them what to do the rest of their lives, so you might as well be smarter then them, and you get to keep your self respect.

Party Lesbians; Pull up your juicy sweatpants, tie back your bleached stringy hair and call your dad because you have been Dismissed.

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hurts so good

(note: this was originally titled “Small, Sad Pussy: you have been DISMISSED”)

I know you love me. You tell me all the fuckin’ time. I know, you know.

WE KNOW.

When I’m love/hate-fucking you to the ends of the Earth, something strange happens: you CRY.

“You OK?”

“Don’t stop, Daddy. Don’t stopppp!”

This makes Daddy feel WEIRD. It’s not insensitivity. Rape? Abuse?

Are you thinking about the ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan?

OR

“I think I hit your dog..with my SWORD..”

THE TEARS COME..Is my fist a magic wand?

A magic carpet taking you straight to your deepest, most painful memories? Is this a “good hurt”?

I’m weirded out. And I’m projecting. Crying during sex: you have been DISMISSED.

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Inventor Le Trung, 33, created Aiko, said to be “in her 20s” with a stunning 32, 23, 33 figure, shiny hair and delicate features. Pfft, she’s not a day over 14 you sick bastard. We all want the perfect mate, sure. But spending $25,000 to make a robot who will still complain when you try to feel her up? Perhaps Le Trung should would have been wiser to spend that chunk of change on a real doll, or maybe even a hooker.

“We’re monogomoous, and she’s made me go to church and stop watching porn.” Great, so you’ve built a robot to help you find Jesus? My coworker could have done that for you for free. Although, I do plan on using the “it still hurts where you touched me before” line sometime in the near future.

(click for larger versions, it’s worth the read).

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I just learned of these mexi generational trend hounds called Borkencyde yesterday. While at first I must admit, I was ready to slap their presents immediately straight out of my face, but then, I was so entranced by how off the rails this was I had to investigate further, which of course confused me more. 

Its no secret that Meat Hat fears the youth of today. But, something has to be said about this mismatch of suburban blight that has actually made something of a mexican hot topic toxic avenger Monster. They are the Toxie of hipster culture, they put it all in a blender, fucked it, went to the mall, bought some shoes, and cut an album. They were able to use all the tends  they’ve learned over the past 15 years, and funneled it all into one big pop toilet.

They got SUV’s, fuck yeah?

They got HeadBands, FUCK YEAH!,

They got acne, (which I think is amazing), Fuck Yeah!

Sorta sound like Limp Bizkit, and Ratatat, and lil wayne. Who knew?

They got a closeted Dirtbag on the digital voice modulator, like most hip hop these days, FUCK yeah!

They name brands, FUCK why?

They choke a bitch, a bitch who is probably their moms best friends daughter who wants to get into modeling, But now she’s been choked on your coke whore music video, FUck yeah!

They got the Senesetive break down, Fuck yeah!

They got tattoos at 15, they got American Apparel v necks, they got hair from Orange County CA Circa 1999. not so fuck yeah, more like fuck ehh!!!

They even use Screamo as a dance beat, which is probably what entranced me to begin with.

But the one thing that Iove most about this, is, they let the closeted Accutane acne kid rule this video, while sweeping the fugly dudes under the suburban rug. Way to treat your fellow dirtbag bros.

If the end of the world is coming in 2012, we might as well fuck it and party till the end. The new youth is a party youth, they will kick holes in your 401ks, they’ll touch your daughters and grab a cinnabon at the mall. Its best not try to educate the youth, they’ll end up just fine in Quartzite AZ.

So while I want to dismiss, I can’t make up my mind, everything I talked about points to a dismissal, but its just so off the mexi charts I can’t. One thing is for sure, their fans have to work at KFC.

How do you feel about Brokencyde?

Take a futher look at their myspace page before you decide.

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1. UFFIE: You have been dismissed, now clean up that spot on the couch. I watched this video and felt nothing. All I could...

I used to want to live in you, then I got to know you.

You give the illusion of being the cool part of town – kinda indie, kinda gay, kinda artsy, kinda bohemian… but you’re really just a slacker neighborhood in search of a soul with overpriced, rundown shacks being passed off as quaint fixer uppers for spoiled elitists.

I’m sick of your over-sized wide rimmed glasses, girl’s jeans on guys and skinny jeans in general, poor grooming, cheap sunglasses, your overuse of facial stubble (men and women), American Apparel hoodies,  fake retro cowboy shirts untucked disguising spare-tire bellies, scenesters vs hipsters, tiki-thai, your retro furniture, dancer stoners, not being able to figure out if you’re supposed to be cool or just a nerd, bad color accents in your hair (especially blue), your senseless street grid, Vans & Converse, sideburns, Trader Joe’s, your anti-elitism elitism, commuting from you to anywhere but downtown, the word “Hyperion”, clever posters advertising garage sales selling retro furniture, gourmand wanna-bes, your once-cool bars turned Weho, thrift stores….and for being next to Atwater Village.

Grow up.  Admit you have a poser dog park and that it stinks just like everybody else’s.

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Question. Does anyone over 16 actually use Trojan’s anymore?  Worst. Condom. Ever.

How come they are the only condom manufacturer that has seemingly embraced the smell of rubber?  Rub it into their consumers faces even: we’re going to make your dick smell like a fucking Goodyear tire and you’re going to use it anyway, because we’re Trojan and we spend a lot on advertising. 

You rip open Trojan’s and suddenly your entire bedroom (or wherever you’re fucking) reeks of rubber.  You and your partner pretend to ignore the putrid scent because you are both horny and want to finish, but it’s always in the back of your head – no matter how hot the situation is or horny you are.  Not to mention both of your privates now taste like latex.  Thanks Trojan. 

Beyond the aroma,  they break more than any other condom I have ever used.  And it has nothing to do with your penis size, they’re just shitty condoms.  They slip, break, and just plain cum (not how I intended to spell “come”, Freudian slip, but seems appropriate so I’ll keep it) off sometimes.

So next time you’re about to strap on a Trojan, think about slowly grinding and pulsating against a car tire.  Then kissing that tire and gliding your hands over its treads.  Then imagine setting that tire on fire.  And through the choking black smoke, imagine yourself fucking that tire.

Not very hot, right?

For anyone sexually active, or creepy weird guys that masturbate with a condom on, I recommend Durex.  They have never slipped off on me, or broken.  And they seem to be one of the few condom companies that realizes the whole not-wanting-to-smell-like-a-car-after-sex thing.

When was the last time you have seen a Durex commercial?

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Ok buddies, I know its not your fault that I have poor judgement. I really do. But help me out here…

Look, I know that collectively, you were homeless, jobless, alcoholic heroin addict, trust fund brats with bad hygene. I know you just want to shred on your guitar, bang other broads and race your sweet, sweet dirt bike. I know you have mommy issues, daddy issues and are well versed in squatters rights. You dont know the difference between david bowie and neil diamond and think that locking me in a room with you and playing me a song you wrote on the piano about how I’m a bitch and ruined your life will get me to come back to you (which remarkably happened twice with different dudes).

Someone needs to tell you that choking, slapping or tying a lady up without her permission is not cool; that dumpster diving is not a date; and you can’t make someone love you by crying. You need to disclose the fact that you have been diagnosed to be clinically insane on the first date. And for godsakes, don’t tell me you really really want me to be your “secret girlfriend” while I’m telling you I dont want to see you anymore.

Everyone I have ever dated, I do not want to know what your therapist tells you. Get a job, get a car, find some dignity and stop calling me: You have been dismissed.

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Look, your feelings don’t mean shit. Your feelings are a little troll that live inside your brain, with a summer house in your intestines. They come out after you get fucked up on eggnog and try and convince you that they can win your arguments for you, or that they can sway others to your side. They can’t. Your feelings don’t mean a damn thing to other people, and they make you look like an emotional dictator for trying to push your heg-emo-ny on others.

Your feelings should never be brought into play when in an argument or to state a stance on anything other than trying to decide between eating hot dogs or pizza for lunch. Every time I date someone, I wind up dating their feelings instead, who wear my girlfriend’s body like a scary mask. You look the same, but now you say things that make me want pound my head into the table. Your feelings ignore reality and ask things of me that no human could manage. I’m sorry, I cannot change puppies into unicorns because you feel as though I should be able to. Don’t ever tell anyone about your feelings, you squash that shit down good and never let them out.

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