‘I can’t do this all day, people…’

I was freakily drawn to watching those commercials….his one good eye emptily staring you down through your television, the 80s reject-frat boy haircut, and the unbelievably corny, over-the-top sales pitch coming from in between the horsey teeth.  An admittedly sad obsession, but I loved it when those freakin’ ShamWow advertisements came on.  And I always wondered in my mind…’who would fuck this guy, for reals?’

This week I found out, when Mr. ShamWow (aka Vince Shlomi aka Vince Offer) was arrested for beating a hooker, HIS hooker.  Because she supposedly bit his tongue while they were, uh, embracing.  (get thought out of head NOW!  *shiver*).  All of those nifty little super doo-rags Aunt Crotchety bought so that she could better wipe up Grandpa’s Depends overflows all went to Shammy (he’s a celebrity now, gotta have a nickname) buying hookers and staying in expensive luxury resorts. 

'Where are those fucking ShamWows when you need one'?

And did you know that he’s in ‘the film business’ too?  He’s sued everyone from 20^th Century Fox to Anna Nicole Smith, claiming they stole parts of a film he made.  An ex-Scientologist, he even sued the church, alleging that ‘the church had declared him a criminal and had urged its members to commit libel against him’.  Wow, the more I know about him the more I’m sickeningly intrigued.  Man, if he wasn’t loser enough for the Scientologists to keep him around…

Way to go Shammy!  You must be one of those super motivated, non-stop salesmen whose rage is unleashed by dozens of shots of Jagermeister.

It’s gotta make you wonder, too, though…what the hell was he doing, that a PAID whore wanted to bite off his tongue?  Did he start to rub her down with ShamWows, did he start jacking off and then insist that she wipe up the mess with ShamWows?   Did he just start fucking a ShamWow in her face?

Sad, sad, sad, Shammy – I don’t gotta dismiss you, you already done it yourself.  I’ll miss your infomercials, dude, in the most ashamed of ways.  They really sold themselves.