I watched this video and felt nothing. All I could think of was her leaking on the couch. Youth culture is only awesome when it spits in the face of the norm. This video just celebrates what they will all be doing in 15 years. Only then they will wish they had the memories of working at Hot Dog on a Stick, studying for math class and getting fingered the proper way in sunday school.

Plus, this video has Steve Aoki in it which is a boner killer.

Related posts:

1. Jim Cramer; dismissed. Jon Stewart; move to the head of the class. We need more heroes like Jon Stewart. Not like the...
2. Hollywood Undead: You have been dismissed. I don’t even have the energy to give this a...
3. Green Day, You’ve been dismissed. Billy Joe, Tre Cool, and some guy that looks like...

I don’t even have the energy to give this a proper dismissal. I give up. We all are doomed.

Related posts:

1. UFFIE: You have been dismissed, now clean up that spot on the couch. I watched this video and felt nothing. All I could...
2. Congresswomen Virginia Foxx: You are Dismissed. Congresswomen Virginia Foxx called the sad killing of Mathew Shephard...
3. Breakfast Song: You have Been Dismissed. This couple with their strong talent of voice sing a...

These band names totally rule.

Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about (mostly) more recent indie-ish band names that have left me wondering why most of the guys in these bands have larger fallopian tubes than I do. I’m not even touching the metal genre, really, because we all know that metal is kind of the origin of some of the most ridiculous band names ever (hello….Anal Cunt? Cannibal Corpse? Cattle Decapitaiton? Yeah, it’s been covered already).

And by the way: when I say ‘gay’ or ‘faggy’ it does not mean homosexual. I would never insult the gay community – as a culture that can appreciate a nice, big penis (on the boy’s side, at least) they would whole heartedly agree, I believe…

Scary Kids Scaring Kids
It’s just…gay. What the fuck does this mean? I’m so totally NOT scared, nor do I think this belongs in rock n’ roll. Anything with ‘kids’ in the band name is generally not something that your parents are going to ban you listening to. Which means it’s worthless.

Hoobastank
Actually, maybe this is brilliant. It does describe the sound of the band fairly well. And MAN is it stanky.

Cute Is What We Aim For
You have now succeeded in your ‘aim’ to not only be the faggiest band name ever, but you’ve also pronounced yourself as the band least likely to have big dicks and scare mommies. And dudes: you all have the most awful haircuts in emo. And stop whining, for Christ’s sake: we already know how horrible it is to be a young, white, skinny, well dressed, suburban, vanilla, middle-class douche, okay?

Does puke work as a styling aid? I'd love to help them out.

Limp Bizkit
I probably do not need to even explain by now, but at least the band was honest enough when they looked down their collective saggy, urine-soaked pants and decided upon a band name that fit both their music and their impotent talent. Except for that one guitar player who wore the weird makeup and tried to be kinda cool. Kinda, yeah.

Chiodos
It just sounds like something that comes out of your ass after eating 2 double chili cheeseburgers with jalapenos and drinking five 40’s of Olde English. Phheeuuww.

The Devil Wears Prada
Seriously…you’re supposed to be this bad-ass band, and you name yourselves (ironically, you might say?) after a reality-based book on the high fashion industry written by a trendy, romantically inclined completely mainstream chick who loves Jimmy Choos (these guys know what this means) and that was also made into a movie starring Meryl Streep that mothers and grandmothers and girls who wear tons of lip gloss went in droves to see a million times over? Gay, gay gay.

Every Time I Die, For The Fallen Dream, Here I Come Falling, Shadows Fall, Bless The Fall, Every Bridged Burned, From Autumn To Ashes, All That Remains, etc etc etc.
In the age of the internet, it’s astounding to me that someone in any of these bands didn’t do a quick Google search to see if their name sounded like or was similar to any other popular band that was out there. How many times can a band use ‘Fall’ in their name and be on the same tour with another band with ‘Fall’ in their name? Or have to have the same number of syllables as every other band does in their little scene? However, I do think the singer from Shadows Fall has bitchin’ dreadlocks.

Panic! At The Disco
What does that mean? And why are they in rock magazines? Did the band form because they wanted to shock everyone at discotheques with their absolutely bland music that didn’t even have enough rhythm or style for a goddamn disco? If gold lamé and hairless, ball-less music had a name…

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Band meeting: “Hey, let’s come up with the catchiest band name ever…for people who suffer from that disease that Rainman had”. “AWESOME!!!”

Minus The Bear
Band meeting: “Let’s have a band name that really showcases how absolutely cool and weird we really think we are so that everyone really knows how absolutely indie and cool and fucking smart we really are”. “Nah, I’m too high. Let’s just go to that gay club that you always hang out at”. “But, I’m really in the mood for a Bear guy tonight, that club doesn’t attract those types”. “Well, maybe tonight you’ll just have to have a minus-the-bear night, for once”. “Oh shit, wait a minute……”

Jimmy Eat World
I like some of this band’s songs, but what the hell were they thinking? Not Jimmy EatS World, but EAT world. Huh?

The Academy Is…
Is what? And what is the Academy? And what does this have anything remotely to do with rock n’ roll, dudes? Pop another Ritalin and get back to me when you’re working at Kinko’s.

VHS Or Beta
Really now, this whole 80’s revival thing has gone WAY too far.

Billy Talent
Sounds like a name that some kid wanting to be famous makes up for himself in the 1960’s. He has freckles, wears checkered high-water pants, a bow-tie and gets his salad tossed by fake directors wearing handlebar mustaches in seedy Hollywood motel rooms. Poor Billy, he’s now living in an attic in Watts earning his living as Mr. T’s secret, white-boy gimp.

Related posts:

1. Kottonmouth Kings DISMISSED Back in my day, you had to worry about...
2. Parents who bring their Babies to Coachella Music Festival: You Have Been Dismissed. This past weekend I spent my time in Indio in...
3. Green Day, You’ve been dismissed. Billy Joe, Tre Cool, and some guy that looks like...

Related posts:

1. Lame (mostly) Indie Band Names – You Have Been Dismissed Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about...
2. Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You: Dismissed. I Can’t Dismiss Myself, Now Can I? Dear Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You...

“I diin’t thank thet I wuz thuh tiipe tah git prenant at uh yung age, but now ah’m jest thankin’ how I’d make it without Westin’”. Napalm.

Related posts:

1. Every place that is NOT Nitro, West Virginia: You’re Dismissed. So I learned of a new (to me) place today...
2. Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You: Dismissed. I Can’t Dismiss Myself, Now Can I? Dear Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You...

Now that we’reall very  done with your embarasing song and dance show, or whatever, here you go getting involved with the hallowed National Football League. The NFL, for fuck’s sweet sake? Gloria? Why the NFL? Isn’t there a AAA baseball team-wait! I’ll bet Florida has three or four pro hockey teams by now. Get invloved with one of those! ALL of those, I don’t give a shit. Football and Gloria Estefan mix like chocolate chip cookies and Clamato. Hey now…that’s a good one liner. I oughtta remember that for future us-now I am swaying off topic here.
Fuck you, Gloria! I’ll bet you’re some massive football fan, aren’t you Gloria. I’ll bet you were doing the Ickey Shuffle, weren’t you. You were rapping along with Jim McMahon and Sweetness when they were doing the SUPER BOWL shuffle, too, I’ll bet. This is sarcasm, FYI. But seriously…
Are you going to try and design the teams uniforms, Gloria? Have your daughters or sons sing and do the cha-cha at halftime? Bring your gaggle of little dogs to the owner’s box, arriving fashionably late and leaving early to beat traffic? Did you hear about the local football team when they made an 8 game turnaround from the ’07 season and everybody was shitting themselves Dolphins’ aqua and orange? Did you think to yourself, “What is this ‘football’ everybody’s going crazy for right now? I should look into that and get involved! ASAP” Have you been unable to break into Miami’s top-notch dinner party circuit and are too apathetic to get into politics? WHAT IS IT, godddamnit!!?!?! Why? WHY???
Why isn’t anybody stopping this? And please don’t tell me that the Miami Dolphins approached Gloria Estefan. Please. I will kill myself in a red-faced baffled rage. Are you trying to fuck Dan Marino, Gloria? If you’re just trying to fuck Dan Marino and lose interest in the NFL after he shoves your head in a toilet after an advance, I can live with that. Maybe he’ll give you a pity fuck and THEN you’ll move on? Buy some car dealerships, or something? Please? Start a Target-exclusive clothing line or design a fragrance? Handbags? Anything else besides pro football? For the love of god?
Oh dear.  Somebody needs to find Mark Duper and comfort him! I know he has to be taking this news hard. At least he should be. Unless he was “Doing That Conga” in the late 80’s…in which case: fuck you, too, Mark Duper! One facebar nancyboy!
See, Gloria? Now I’m lashing out at Mark Duper, for fuck’s sake. The only end in sight is if the Dolphins lose every game for the next three seasons and the town of Miami drags Gloria out of the owner’s box (perhaps in a conga line?) and skins her alive in LandShark Stdium’s parking lot. Maybe they’ll rename it Miami Sound Machine Stadium. In that event, I will have no choice but to start watching hockey or reading books to fill my autumntime Sundays. Shutter to think it.

Related posts:

1. Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You: Dismissed. I Can’t Dismiss Myself, Now Can I? Dear Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You...
2. (In honor of Earth Day) Global Warming; you have been dismissed!   Welp! That solves it. Thanks for the great...
3. Every place that is NOT Nitro, West Virginia: You’re Dismissed. So I learned of a new (to me) place today...

Anyone got any nail clippers?

There is nothing attractive, hunky or swooning about him.  He doesn’t have six pack abs and pouty lips.  He isn’t waxing his chest and banging Angelina Jolie.  A real vampire is a creepy old weirdo who wears buttoned-up mortuary salesman suits, stalks you at night then kills you unwillingly by biting the crap out of your jugular. There have been people who for decades now, either actually believe they are vampires or try to be them.  They even go so far as to have implants on their teeth. 

Yah, I live at home - how'd you know?

Fuck, I remember when I was 19 yrs. old and underage I snuck into the Rainbow Room on Sunset and we found this creepy little room at the top of this little staircase in the back.  And inside sitting on benches around the walls were these people dressed up all 80s vampire-y and not making a sound.  Not talking, laughing or even getting fucked up on cheap booze.  The sign outside said ‘Beware Of Hollywood Vampires’.  Then, the bouncer who was supposed to be guarding their little vampire room came in and kicked us out. 

Seriously folks, what is up with the vampire wanna-bes?  You even try to drink blood like it really will make you immortal but it doesn’t.  It just makes you idiotic and disgusting.  Go find a chick on her period and at least make an effort for somebody, ok?  It’s like dumb, white, bored people can’t think of anything else to do and are unhappy with their lame white lives and have to invent these fantasy lives for themselves.  And now, we have to suffer through these people making watered-down, vanilla vampire movies and TV shows that teenage girls angst over.  I mean ‘Twilight’?  You could not pay me in enough man-whores to make me go see that tween wet dream.

Even Anne Rice, fuck you – you’re an overrated writer and your characters suck, and not just blood.  They suck tranny vampire cock.  Now THAT would at least be interesting, and maybe even a little frightening.    Now it’s ‘True Blood’ on HBO.  Please.  I like my vampires ugly, deranged and pissed off as they should be.  They are evil predators of our dreams and need to stay that way. 

Don’t get them all sexed up and worked out – what, did Prince suddenly get a hold of all vampire rights and is churning this shit out?  Next thing you know, all vampires will be wearing purple satin jumpsuits with platform heels and spouting off about gay marriage being wrong.  Yes, I made a connection between Prince and vampires.  Fuck Prince too!  (see other dismissed blog on Prince by MakeYourBananaCry) He used to be a god but crumbled at the altar of mediocrity many years ago.  Just like the evil that used to be vampire.  Hot mainstream vampires:  get back into your Dolce & fucking Gabbana crypts, you’re dismissed.

Related posts:

1. Lame (mostly) Indie Band Names – You Have Been Dismissed Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about...
2. Parents who bring their Babies to Coachella Music Festival: You Have Been Dismissed. This past weekend I spent my time in Indio in...
3. ShamWow Guy – Already Dismissed. ‘I can’t do this all day, people…’ I was...

I guess masturbation has finally lost it’s fun. And who better to take advice from than Billy Joe, who now looks like Froto Baggins in heavy eyeliner, dressed to go to a My Chemical Bromance concert in his three inch platform creepers, so he can see above the bar top to order his appletini. Speaking of sweet looks, Tre Cool now looks like one of the characters from a Dr. Seuss book, which one you ask? Well, I wikipediaed that shit and couldn’t find anything in the first thirty seconds and then realized how little I fucking care which one, fuck you for asking. The second phenomenally gay song they played was an acoustic “jam” about Vietnam or Apartheid or the price hike on cherry lipgloss. Like the first song, they were not a three piece again. The first had an extra guitarist which is understandable since Billy Joe has gotten far more faggotty over the years, it stands to reason that his ability to play an instrument would diminish also, science. But this one, since playing an acoustic song with three people is about as possible as Webster beating Michael Phelps in butterfly, had three extra guitarists, a douche on piano and one of these three mystery stringmen was backing up on vocals. So, two bassists, three guys playing guitar, hm, Slipknot has fewer members.

Gee, I can’t wait for Green Day to get the London Philharmonic to play old songs with them for a really special album with hot violins and homo vibes. It would be just like that other band that started out as something somewhat genuine and then morphed into a gang of turd burglaring dicks, Metallica. Maybe Green Day and Metallica can all get together for a wine and cheese party on one of their yachts bought with money dirtier than a prom night cock, and discuss how much they hate torrents and how they can better acclimate themselves to the TRL crowd. Green Day, take your pink ties and hang yourselves. You went from punk to punk-pop to Gap dressing room musak to a point of selling out that makes truck stop sodomy look wholesome. You’ve been dismissed.

Related posts:

1. Lame (mostly) Indie Band Names – You Have Been Dismissed Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about...
2. Yo! LC! Talk to the hand, girl! You’re mf-in’ dismissed, and stuff! Lauren. Honey. Take a seat. Audrina is fucking your...
3. Breakfast Song: You have Been Dismissed. This couple with their strong talent of voice sing a...

Related posts:

1. Congresswomen Virginia Foxx: You are Dismissed. Congresswomen Virginia Foxx called the sad killing of Mathew Shephard...
2. Comeomletmeshowyouhowtodothatconga, Icannotwaitaroundforya’anylongah. FUCK OFF with that old bullshit! Dear Gloria Estefan- What is your goddamned problem? We celebrated...
3. Bristol Palin not sitting on my face: Dismissed. Oh Bristol. Bristol, my sweet Bristol. Look at you....

Oh Bristol. Bristol, my sweet Bristol. Look at you. You’re a fox. You’re well-bred, totally eighteen, have totally rocking tits, crazy life experience AND conviction. Kudos to you! You tell ‘em! Don’t let them make the same mistake(s) you’ve made in your young life. I wonder what your scars look like…
Don’t go fucking dumb jocks! No way, jose! Marry those dumb jocks, THEN let them fuck you in the cooter and THEN have their babies. That’s the message our privileged popular high school girls need to hear, Bristy. God damn it I love you. Your feet firmly on the ground, you. Shit, you’re so fucking hot…
Sure, you’re a tad on the self-righteous side, but that’s okay. Maybe you’re a mindless zombie. Haven’t decided that, yet. Don’t have all of the info I’d like to have to make that sort of character evaluation. I’d like more data, if you wouldn’t mind meeting me for dinner. Or maybe a couple of drinks in Canada? I’ll meet you in Edmonton, drinks on me. How’s that sound? Christ…you are so much hotter than your mom. She isn’t really hot at all, I don’t think. You’re amazing…

You can tell me all of your thoughts and “your” opinions on all of that whateverthefuck it is you’re thinking about these days. Your son/daughter/whatever it is and how much you love it, but also how you wish you would have waited to have sex and thusly get pregnant and thusly reproduce because…uh….of….er….whatever it is you wish you could be doing now if you didn’t have that little tit-nibbler to carry around everygoddamnedwhere you go. I want to be close to  you…
If it sounds as though I am patronizing you, please do not misunderstand me and my tone my dear beautiful Bristol. I love you for your mind, without question. I want to hear all of that shit, I really do. I know you care about stuff or whatever. So much you have to spout it out! Start a fucking campaign, for the love of sweet cripes’ sake! I will love you down so hard…

I am so proud of you for not murdering your unborn precious bastard giftcurse. I want to know more about you. Let me INSIDE YOU, Bristol! I want to just poke around in there. In that fresh young beautiful mind of yours. Good god in heav’n, yes! What you think America’s poor, angry and confused youth should be doing with their bodies. Tell me the what’s and why’s. You’re an angel, I swear to fucking god…

Oh, fuck it. I can’t hide it anymore. I don’t care what you fucking think, baby. I just want to get my hands all over those rockin’ sweater cows and taste what’s doing downstairs, if you know what I mean. No penetration! No penetration, I promise. We’ll take it slow and easy, darling honey. If you want to put your hands down my pants, that’s your business…actually I doubt you give a good handjob (yet)….so how’s about we just masterbate ourselves and watch each other from across the couch? I think that could be fun and an enlightening experience for you, as I doubt those jocks you’ve let fuck you have given two shits about trying to get you off. Blowing their load 5 inches deep while in the back of their parents’ SUV, or whatever it is you retard Alaskan hicks do to fuck when you’re 17 years old. Those guys are all assholes. I really care about you…

Wait. I’ll bet you don’t masterbate. Didn’t think about that. Well, how about we just talk some more and see what happens? Don’t tell your mom. She won’t get it. She doesn’t appreciate how mature you are like I do. You should be sitting on my face. SLIME ME!

What’s the hang-up, baby? I’m not like those other cock-brained teenagers you’ve had inside of you. I’m here to take care of your needs. We’re going to have a good time, you can relax and enjoy your sexy little self. Precious little Obediah’s (or Ezekial or Ruth or whatever its name is) at grandma’s mansion. We’re good to go.  Saddle up!

Related posts:

1. Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You: Dismissed. I Can’t Dismiss Myself, Now Can I? Dear Hot Chicks Who Won’t Let Me Fuck You...
2. Piles Of Dirt? Is this a third-world country??? You Have Been Dismissed. Dear Piles Of Dirt- You are so fucking lame...
3. Comeomletmeshowyouhowtodothatconga, Icannotwaitaroundforya’anylongah. FUCK OFF with that old bullshit! Dear Gloria Estefan- What is your goddamned problem? We celebrated...