Congresswomen Virginia Foxx: You are Dismissed.

Congresswomen Virginia Foxx called the sad killing of Mathew Shephard “a hoax”.

Woman, you are dismissed.

Men In Huge Trucks With Peeing Calvin Stickers

I love horror movies.  Even the cheesy ones.  But one of the most horrifying things that I must constantly be exposed to and appropriately recoil in terror from are men who drive those huge trucks that are totally lifted with the tractor tires, with the ear-splitting race car engines & custom paint jobs – often wearing those awful, popular-in-the-80’s  wraparound mirrored sunglasses. 

Huge tires = huge penis? I think not.

Boz, you gave us so much: those sunglasses, that hairstyle, nightmares...

I think to myself:  Is this a well thought-out moving vehicular paen to mullet culture from days gone by?  Or, perhaps, are they all somehow related to a pro-wrestler?  Maybe they’re on their way home from jail after serving 5 years for spousal abuse or a DUI/gang rape after an out of control kegger party?  I don’t know, and I probably never will.  And come to think of it, these are also the same trucks and people that sport those repulsive Calvin-peeing-on-things stickers.

Lurleen - this is NOT going to look good in divorce court, ok?

Calvin urinating on a Dodge emblem.  Calvin urinating on a Ford emblem.  Calvin urinating on a Chevy emblem.  Calving urinating on Osama Bin Laden.  Calvin urinating on France.  Calvin urinating on Iraq.  Calvin urinating on gun control.  Calvin urinating on Nike.  Calvin urinating on Spam.  Calvin urinating on Satan. 

But then, conversely, you’ll see the opposite sticker (maybe on the abused wife’s car) of Calvin knelt down before a big Christian cross.  Now, what the hell is the connection between a slightly devilish imaginary cartoon character boy, poor urination habits and a devotion to Jesus?  I’d like to have been in that marketing meeting…

 

“Chad, get Bill Watterson on the line…you know, the comic nerd who draws those Calvin and Hobbes cartoons.  I’ve got the most groundbreaking idea…it’s going to impact our entire culture and change the way Americans express their aggression towards enemies as well as their deepest, most cherished religious beliefs.  I thought of it in the can while I was reading one of those free Gideon bibles that I stole from Doubletree Inn during my last business trip to Tulsa.  USA!  USA!  USA!”.

 

I do not want to know where that thumb has been.

If they really wanted to expand their marketing empire, they’d create a sticker of Calvin urinating on a Scientology symbol.  Tom Cruise would be so mad that he would go on national television blasting the stickers all the while creating massive exposure and sales for them. 

 

Well, he’d go on television AFTER John Travolta had finished urinating in his mouth.  You see, he’s only mad because HIS sticker will never come out.  

 

Anyways, back to the trucks…and speaking of said trucks, often they usually have another frightening aspect:  the girl that is sitting in the middle of the front seat, right next to ‘her maynnn’. 

 

Why do I want to kill babies when I see this?  Because I’m afraid they will grow up to be one of these vacant slabs of white scroti. 

 

'Yeah, me and my shirtless man-friends go out in the woods for days at a time, alone with each other, no women allowed'.

Besides, what’s the purpose – is it for this homophobic, uber-masculine specimen to prove to his friends that he’s really not gay?  And… these are usually those dudes who whistle and yell at girls walking down the street or just walking by wherever they are.  Tell me….does this ever REALLY get you laid?  Or is it just some outdated male bonding thing to prove that you like girls instead of your friend with the nice thighs sitting next to you?  Oh wait, that’s your GIRL sitting next to you.  You were daydreaming about Chuck again, weren’t you?

 

Better cruise down to West Hollywood tonight and beat down some fags to prove that you don’t really watch Rachel Ray or secretly think that guy from the show Tool Time was kinda cute with his scratchy, trimmed beard and flannel shirts and all….Or, maybe you could just urinate on a picture of Chuck, right?  NO!  Wait – that’s still giving you an erection!  Hold on…you could just buy a STICKER of a comic character guy peeing on a symbol of your hatred!  Don’t worry, I’m sure that there is a Calvin-peeing-on-Clay-Aiken out there somewhere.  Much easier, less thinking, aroused homo thoughts gone…Time to wax the trucker (oops, I mean truck) and polish the tires. 

Now get the fuck out of our mainstream culture, you’ve been dismissed back to the cretinous swamp you originated from.  Don’t forget to trim the webbing from between your toes before gittin’ into the swing of things again.

Motorcycle Helmet Mohawks: You have been dismissed.

Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? I see them all over the freeways these days. I really hope their militant indian guides. But I know sadly their just loveless zit assed asphalt chum. Dismissed.

(In honor of Earth Day) Global Warming; you have been dismissed!

Welp! That solves it.

Thanks for the great reporting over there at The Sun, we now know that Fatties cause global warming and can all go home now.

While our excessive appetites for destruction and cravings for consumption are more likely candidates, the real message here ought to be that the pursuit of healthy living would do a world of good.

In this spirit, I’ve included several links (below) where you can get up off your fat, lazy ass (or not) and contribute to the solution instead of the problem. 

http://www.wecansolveit.org/

http://repoweramerica.org/

http://www.windenergyworks.org/

http://www.awea.org/

http://www.carbonfootprint.com/

http://earth911.com/

http://stopcorporateabuse.org/

http://www.epa.gov/

Donate. Get Involved. Sign a Petition. Learn Something. Increase Awareness.

(feel free to leave other helpful links in the comments)

Parents who bring their Babies to Coachella Music Festival: You Have Been Dismissed.

I never really had a chance. My parents raised me at Coachella music festival. .

This past weekend I spent my time in Indio in the Califronia desert for the 3 day annual Music Festival. Millions of people pour into the area, to let loose, get generally retarded and bake in the sun while watching the best of what music has to offer. This is no place for your baby. Babies don’t watch this, leave ‘em in the streets.

While most of these babies I saw were well under 1 year of age. Meaning, that possibly these babies were conceived at last years concert and the parents couldn’t wait to bring the baby back to the scene of the crime.  I’m going to make a few calls and see if next year they can have a child protective service woman at the gate for all these fools who bring their new born babies to this extremely un baby proof event. They need to take these babies away quick, they deserve better. With  my Jesus phone I was able to document some of this tragedy.

This baby was unattended and tried to cling to a sleeping stranger (at bottom of frame). With in ear shot of this new human was the Murder City Devils. The napping father could be seen slumped against a fence not really paying much attention to his baby.

This baby doesnt’ have a chance, they already have it in tiva sandals.  Baby legs, extra crispy.

This photo is a lot to take in. The father seen in the long skirt and the Milf wife seen bending down to push the baby back on the blanket. Both parents seemed well out of their minds while dancing to the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s.  It was hard to watch.

This mother and and baby had an bit of a fight at the bathroom station. The baby was heard giving a good argument about the state of her future and how she was uncertain her mother would be able to provide a sheltered enough existence for her to grow into a respectable young woman.

Please people, if you can afford tickets to Coachella, you can afford a baby sitter. Get your head on straight. Get your baby on, or you party on, you can’t do both at the same time.  Party people with babies, Congrats you pooped out a living being, now you are dismissed to go stay home and take care of it so it doesn’t rob me in the future. Thanks.

ShamWow Guy – Already Dismissed.

‘I can’t do this all day, people…’

I was freakily drawn to watching those commercials….his one good eye emptily staring you down through your television, the 80s reject-frat boy haircut, and the unbelievably corny, over-the-top sales pitch coming from in between the horsey teeth.  An admittedly sad obsession, but I loved it when those freakin’ ShamWow advertisements came on.  And I always wondered in my mind…’who would fuck this guy, for reals?’

This week I found out, when Mr. ShamWow (aka Vince Shlomi aka Vince Offer) was arrested for beating a hooker, HIS hooker.  Because she supposedly bit his tongue while they were, uh, embracing.  (get thought out of head NOW!  *shiver*).  All of those nifty little super doo-rags Aunt Crotchety bought so that she could better wipe up Grandpa’s Depends overflows all went to Shammy (he’s a celebrity now, gotta have a nickname) buying hookers and staying in expensive luxury resorts. 

'Where are those fucking ShamWows when you need one'?

And did you know that he’s in ‘the film business’ too?  He’s sued everyone from 20^th Century Fox to Anna Nicole Smith, claiming they stole parts of a film he made.  An ex-Scientologist, he even sued the church, alleging that ‘the church had declared him a criminal and had urged its members to commit libel against him’.  Wow, the more I know about him the more I’m sickeningly intrigued.  Man, if he wasn’t loser enough for the Scientologists to keep him around…

Way to go Shammy!  You must be one of those super motivated, non-stop salesmen whose rage is unleashed by dozens of shots of Jagermeister.

It’s gotta make you wonder, too, though…what the hell was he doing, that a PAID whore wanted to bite off his tongue?  Did he start to rub her down with ShamWows, did he start jacking off and then insist that she wipe up the mess with ShamWows?   Did he just start fucking a ShamWow in her face?

 

Sad, sad, sad, Shammy – I don’t gotta dismiss you, you already done it yourself.  I’ll miss your infomercials, dude, in the most ashamed of ways.  They really sold themselves.

 

 

Adult toys make my dick limp/are Dimissed.

Housewife whores and expensive ugly shoes, tubby dork manchildren and toys. Gross, gross, gross.
Thanks for fueling the dork fire, Kid Robot! You’re a part of the problem, and cheers! Your shit is lame, and it might be driving the nation’s over-aged and slightly overweight virgins into debt. I say “might” because I am not sure if today’s adult nerds are wealthy like gay guys are or not. Still collecting data on that. “Jury’s still out”, as they say. I mean, there is the faction of Living With My Parents dorks out there, but I think those dorks might be more into actual kid’s stuff. Stuff made with little kids in mind. Like Star Wars and video games and shit like that. I think there is a different, albeit equally nerdy, group who actually make money and spend it on more “mature” but equally useless shit like Kid Robot toys because they aren’t hip to cool adult shit. Like porno and overpriced vodka.
Regardless the debt issue here, you’re a waste of money Kid Robot. Adult nerds and geeks could be buying records or sleek furniture with that TOY money. Do you feel badly about this at all? Putting out your bright-colored toys, disguised as “art” (mass-produced figurines are not fucking ART) and fogging dorks’ heads up with “limited editions” and “autographed boxes”, further hindering their progress in becoming together-enough and fun adults interested in fun adult shit. Like late-night al pastor burritos and porno and fancy vodka. Suits and whatnot. Electric razors. Shit like that.
And your half-assed ”GRAFFITI is totally sweet” thing, Kid Robot? For shame! What a crumby way to make money, Kid Robot. I know there are other companies like you, but you’re the only name I can think of off the top of my head. I bet you’re proud of yourself for that, aren’t you. Well don’t be, motherfuckers! Like being the top-most point on a shit swirl. A giant swirled turd, I say!
“Adult Toys” is a term best (rightfully) reserved for prodding implements and other fun/slightly painful things for people getting l aid to use on each other. Not…fucking….The Simpsons miniatures in randomized anonymous boxes. Dork culture must be destroyed, I suggest we start with Kid Robot Corp. Who’s with me?
Adult toys not made for fucking with: you are dismissed. Nuuuuuuurrrrrds!

Yo! LC! Talk to the hand, girl! You’re mf-in’ dismissed, and stuff!

Lauren. Honey. Take a seat. Audrina is fucking your shit up right now. I’ve been seein’ a lot of prep for the upcoming HILLS season around the internet, and I have to say that Audrina is looking b-a-n-g-i-n-‘! You know it’s true, too,  and I am sure it drives you crazy/to making yourself throw up after lunch and dinner.
Looks to me like she took her fake balloon-lookin’ tits out, and she is looking better than ever. Way better than you, that’s for sure. It’s sooo great that you have a clothing line, and junk…maybe you should focus on that this year. Eh? Let Audrina have more camera time. You and that voice of yours.
Where did YOUR tits go, by the way? Are you not eating? Oh sweety. You should start eating again. All of the anorexing in the world ain’t going get that bleh-ass body up to Audrina’s level of excellence. She has those “fuck me” eyes. (I just made that term up.)

I know what you’re thinking right now, Lauren. You’re all, “YyyyYUCK! I mean, she looks like Droopy Dog! Like, gag me!” (Oh dear.)

You’re lying to yourself and you’re sooo jealous, omg. Unless you’re making out with Audrina in some awesome candlelit booth in some rad L.A. restaurant trying desperately to get Audrina’s top off (oh! Or better: in a jacuzzi, but you’re wearing a potato sack under a garbage bag and a swimming cap!), Lauren Conrad, I’d prefer you just exited stage left and never came back to The Hills.

Hey, now here’s an idea! Move to New York with that spun-off bitch and be on her show. She’s not all that hot, either. You two could talk shit on Audrina the entire time, or whatever. All the way across the country and on a completely separate show, not watering down Audrina’s show with your average looks!
You just can’t compete, LC. I wish you’d stop trying. You’re dismissed. Audrina, come and sit on daddy’s lap. He has something he wants to “tell” you…

Breakfast Song: You have Been Dismissed.

This couple with their strong talent of voice sing a song about how we won’t need breakfast when Jesus comes back to earth. They even sing about how we won’t need Lipton Tea. While I really enjoy this woman’s clip on pony tail and counting how many teeth this man has, I’m upset that they made their song 5 mins long. I can’t help but chuckle that the drum set in the back says, “Darwin” on it.

By the looks of it, they’ve been eating lots of breakfast. Jesus ain’t coming, so eat up those Biscuits.

I’m sure you’ve stopped your lame music by now, but just encase: you have been dismissed.

Piles Of Dirt? Is this a third-world country??? You Have Been Dismissed.

Dear Piles Of Dirt-
You are so fucking lame I can hardly stand it. Why are you just sitting there? I know you were dug from something, but are you GOING anywhere? Read the rest of this entry »