Men In Huge Trucks With Peeing Calvin Stickers

Posted: April 24th, 2009 By: Oedipus Red | Under: dismissed | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I love horror movies.  Even the cheesy ones.  But one of the most horrifying things that I must constantly be exposed to and appropriately recoil in terror from are men who drive those huge trucks that are totally lifted with the tractor tires, with the ear-splitting race car engines & custom paint jobs – often wearing those awful, popular-in-the-80’s  wraparound mirrored sunglasses. 

Huge tires = huge penis?  I think not.

Huge tires = huge penis? I think not.

 

Boz, you gave us so much:  those sunglasses, that hairstyle, nightmares...

Boz, you gave us so much: those sunglasses, that hairstyle, nightmares...

I think to myself:  Is this a well thought-out moving vehicular paen to mullet culture from days gone by?  Or, perhaps, are they all somehow related to a pro-wrestler?  Maybe they’re on their way home from jail after serving 5 years for spousal abuse or a DUI/gang rape after an out of control kegger party?  I don’t know, and I probably never will.  And come to think of it, these are also the same trucks and people that sport those repulsive Calvin-peeing-on-things stickers.

Lurleen - this is NOT going to look good in divorce court, ok?

Calvin urinating on a Dodge emblem.  Calvin urinating on a Ford emblem.  Calvin urinating on a Chevy emblem.  Calving urinating on Osama Bin Laden.  Calvin urinating on France.  Calvin urinating on Iraq.  Calvin urinating on gun control.  Calvin urinating on Nike.  Calvin urinating on Spam.  Calvin urinating on Satan. 

But then, conversely, you’ll see the opposite sticker (maybe on the abused wife’s car) of Calvin knelt down before a big Christian cross.  Now, what the hell is the connection between a slightly devilish imaginary cartoon character boy, poor urination habits and a devotion to Jesus?  I’d like to have been in that marketing meeting…

 

Chad, get Bill Watterson on the line…you know, the comic nerd who draws those Calvin and Hobbes cartoons.  I’ve got the most groundbreaking idea…it’s going to impact our entire culture and change the way Americans express their aggression towards enemies as well as their deepest, most cherished religious beliefs.  I thought of it in the can while I was reading one of those free Gideon bibles that I stole from Doubletree Inn during my last business trip to Tulsa.  USA!  USA!  USA!”.

 

tom_cruise2

I do not want to know where that thumb has been.

If they really wanted to expand their marketing empire, they’d create a sticker of Calvin urinating on a Scientology symbol.  Tom Cruise would be so mad that he would go on national television blasting the stickers all the while creating massive exposure and sales for them. 

 

Well, he’d go on television AFTER John Travolta had finished urinating in his mouth.  You see, he’s only mad because HIS sticker will never come out.  

 

Anyways, back to the trucks…and speaking of said trucks, often they usually have another frightening aspect:  the girl that is sitting in the middle of the front seat, right next to ‘her maynnn’. 

 

Why do I want to kill babies when I see this?  Because I’m afraid they will grow up to be one of these vacant slabs of white scroti. 

 

'Yeah, me and my shirtless man-friends go out in the woods for days at a time, alone with each other, no women allowed'.

'Yeah, me and my shirtless man-friends go out in the woods for days at a time, alone with each other, no women allowed'.

Besides, what’s the purpose – is it for this homophobic, uber-masculine specimen to prove to his friends that he’s really not gay?  And… these are usually those dudes who whistle and yell at girls walking down the street or just walking by wherever they are.  Tell me….does this ever REALLY get you laid?  Or is it just some outdated male bonding thing to prove that you like girls instead of your friend with the nice thighs sitting next to you?  Oh wait, that’s your GIRL sitting next to you.  You were daydreaming about Chuck again, weren’t you?

 

Better cruise down to West Hollywood tonight and beat down some fags to prove that you don’t really watch Rachel Ray or secretly think that guy from the show Tool Time was kinda cute with his scratchy, trimmed beard and flannel shirts and all….Or, maybe you could just urinate on a picture of Chuck, right?  NO!  Wait – that’s still giving you an erection!  Hold on…you could just buy a STICKER of a comic character guy peeing on a symbol of your hatred!  Don’t worry, I’m sure that there is a Calvin-peeing-on-Clay-Aiken out there somewhere.  Much easier, less thinking, aroused homo thoughts gone…Time to wax the trucker (oops, I mean truck) and polish the tires. 

Now get the fuck out of our mainstream culture, you’ve been dismissed back to the cretinous swamp you originated from.  Don’t forget to trim the webbing from between your toes before gittin’ into the swing of things again.

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BMWs: You Have Been Dismissed

Posted: November 17th, 2008 By: The Understated | Under: Automobiles, dismissed | Tags: , ,

Whenever I’m driving and I see a BMW – any model, no matter where I am – I try to give it a wide berth because I know the driver is about to do something stupid. How do I know this? Because they’re driving a BMW. What I really should do is quickly pull my car over the side of the road, close my eyes, put my head on my steering wheel and then count slowly to thirty, only opening my eyes and beginning to drive again when I’m sure they’re gone; that’s the only way to really be safe.

Yes, I hate BMW as a company, and not just because they partially funded Hitler’s attempted extermination of the Jewish people back in the day, because hey, who didn’t? No, I hate them because of the people who drive their cars. Two douchebags racing each other down Los Feliz Boulevard at 3:30 in the morning blasting techno dance remixes of already completely lame pop songs? Sure to be driving BMWs. Some idiot impotently honking at the car in front of them and revving their engine in the middle of a traffic jam? Undoubtedly a BMW driver. The fool at the cheap automated car wash taking up a stall while he painstaking details his hubcaps with a toothbrush? Now that’s a BMW connoisseur.

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Giant SUV Owner: You Have Been Dismissed.

Posted: November 14th, 2008 By: Desko Fipps | Under: Automobiles, dismissed, people | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Desko Fipps:

Look, we get it. You own a giant car. But here’s the thing… Read the rest of this entry »

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