Lame (mostly) Indie Band Names – You Have Been Dismissed

These band names totally rule.

Okay, so as a metal-leaning person I’m only writing about (mostly) more recent indie-ish band names that have left me wondering why most of the guys in these bands have larger fallopian tubes than I do. I’m not even touching the metal genre, really, because we all know that metal is kind of the origin of some of the most ridiculous band names ever (hello….Anal Cunt? Cannibal Corpse? Cattle Decapitaiton? Yeah, it’s been covered already).

And by the way: when I say ‘gay’ or ‘faggy’ it does not mean homosexual. I would never insult the gay community – as a culture that can appreciate a nice, big penis (on the boy’s side, at least) they would whole heartedly agree, I believe…

Scary Kids Scaring Kids
It’s just…gay. What the fuck does this mean? I’m so totally NOT scared, nor do I think this belongs in rock n’ roll. Anything with ‘kids’ in the band name is generally not something that your parents are going to ban you listening to. Which means it’s worthless.

Hoobastank
Actually, maybe this is brilliant. It does describe the sound of the band fairly well. And MAN is it stanky.

Cute Is What We Aim For
You have now succeeded in your ‘aim’ to not only be the faggiest band name ever, but you’ve also pronounced yourself as the band least likely to have big dicks and scare mommies. And dudes: you all have the most awful haircuts in emo. And stop whining, for Christ’s sake: we already know how horrible it is to be a young, white, skinny, well dressed, suburban, vanilla, middle-class douche, okay?

Does puke work as a styling aid? I'd love to help them out.

Limp Bizkit
I probably do not need to even explain by now, but at least the band was honest enough when they looked down their collective saggy, urine-soaked pants and decided upon a band name that fit both their music and their impotent talent. Except for that one guitar player who wore the weird makeup and tried to be kinda cool. Kinda, yeah.

Chiodos
It just sounds like something that comes out of your ass after eating 2 double chili cheeseburgers with jalapenos and drinking five 40’s of Olde English. Phheeuuww.

The Devil Wears Prada
Seriously…you’re supposed to be this bad-ass band, and you name yourselves (ironically, you might say?) after a reality-based book on the high fashion industry written by a trendy, romantically inclined completely mainstream chick who loves Jimmy Choos (these guys know what this means) and that was also made into a movie starring Meryl Streep that mothers and grandmothers and girls who wear tons of lip gloss went in droves to see a million times over? Gay, gay gay.

Every Time I Die, For The Fallen Dream, Here I Come Falling, Shadows Fall, Bless The Fall, Every Bridged Burned, From Autumn To Ashes, All That Remains, etc etc etc.
In the age of the internet, it’s astounding to me that someone in any of these bands didn’t do a quick Google search to see if their name sounded like or was similar to any other popular band that was out there. How many times can a band use ‘Fall’ in their name and be on the same tour with another band with ‘Fall’ in their name? Or have to have the same number of syllables as every other band does in their little scene? However, I do think the singer from Shadows Fall has bitchin’ dreadlocks.

Panic! At The Disco
What does that mean? And why are they in rock magazines? Did the band form because they wanted to shock everyone at discotheques with their absolutely bland music that didn’t even have enough rhythm or style for a goddamn disco? If gold lamé and hairless, ball-less music had a name…

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Band meeting: “Hey, let’s come up with the catchiest band name ever…for people who suffer from that disease that Rainman had”. “AWESOME!!!”

Minus The Bear
Band meeting: “Let’s have a band name that really showcases how absolutely cool and weird we really think we are so that everyone really knows how absolutely indie and cool and fucking smart we really are”. “Nah, I’m too high. Let’s just go to that gay club that you always hang out at”. “But, I’m really in the mood for a Bear guy tonight, that club doesn’t attract those types”. “Well, maybe tonight you’ll just have to have a minus-the-bear night, for once”. “Oh shit, wait a minute……”

Jimmy Eat World
I like some of this band’s songs, but what the hell were they thinking? Not Jimmy EatS World, but EAT world. Huh?

The Academy Is…
Is what? And what is the Academy? And what does this have anything remotely to do with rock n’ roll, dudes? Pop another Ritalin and get back to me when you’re working at Kinko’s.

VHS Or Beta
Really now, this whole 80’s revival thing has gone WAY too far.

Billy Talent
Sounds like a name that some kid wanting to be famous makes up for himself in the 1960’s. He has freckles, wears checkered high-water pants, a bow-tie and gets his salad tossed by fake directors wearing handlebar mustaches in seedy Hollywood motel rooms. Poor Billy, he’s now living in an attic in Watts earning his living as Mr. T’s secret, white-boy gimp.

Hot Mainstream Vampires: You Are Dismissed

I want to know:  when did it become ‘sexy’ to be a vampire, hm?  When did being a vampire become completely unthreatening and mainstream (like punk rock, rap, tattoos and KISS).  Have you seen the original Nosferatu from 1922?  That shit is off the hook SCARY.

Anyone got any nail clippers?

There is nothing attractive, hunky or swooning about him.  He doesn’t have six pack abs and pouty lips.  He isn’t waxing his chest and banging Angelina Jolie.  A real vampire is a creepy old weirdo who wears buttoned-up mortuary salesman suits, stalks you at night then kills you unwillingly by biting the crap out of your jugular. There have been people who for decades now, either actually believe they are vampires or try to be them.  They even go so far as to have implants on their teeth. 

Yah, I live at home - how'd you know?

Fuck, I remember when I was 19 yrs. old and underage I snuck into the Rainbow Room on Sunset and we found this creepy little room at the top of this little staircase in the back.  And inside sitting on benches around the walls were these people dressed up all 80s vampire-y and not making a sound.  Not talking, laughing or even getting fucked up on cheap booze.  The sign outside said ‘Beware Of Hollywood Vampires’.  Then, the bouncer who was supposed to be guarding their little vampire room came in and kicked us out. 

Seriously folks, what is up with the vampire wanna-bes?  You even try to drink blood like it really will make you immortal but it doesn’t.  It just makes you idiotic and disgusting.  Go find a chick on her period and at least make an effort for somebody, ok?  It’s like dumb, white, bored people can’t think of anything else to do and are unhappy with their lame white lives and have to invent these fantasy lives for themselves.  And now, we have to suffer through these people making watered-down, vanilla vampire movies and TV shows that teenage girls angst over.  I mean ‘Twilight’?  You could not pay me in enough man-whores to make me go see that tween wet dream.

Even Anne Rice, fuck you – you’re an overrated writer and your characters suck, and not just blood.  They suck tranny vampire cock.  Now THAT would at least be interesting, and maybe even a little frightening.    Now it’s ‘True Blood’ on HBO.  Please.  I like my vampires ugly, deranged and pissed off as they should be.  They are evil predators of our dreams and need to stay that way. 

Don’t get them all sexed up and worked out – what, did Prince suddenly get a hold of all vampire rights and is churning this shit out?  Next thing you know, all vampires will be wearing purple satin jumpsuits with platform heels and spouting off about gay marriage being wrong.  Yes, I made a connection between Prince and vampires.  Fuck Prince too!  (see other dismissed blog on Prince by MakeYourBananaCry) He used to be a god but crumbled at the altar of mediocrity many years ago.  Just like the evil that used to be vampire.  Hot mainstream vampires:  get back into your Dolce & fucking Gabbana crypts, you’re dismissed.

Upcoming JenAn Movie: You Have Been Dismissed

There is much scat to be had upon this vile beast known as Aniston. Jolie is a separate subject, but at least her fucked up psychology includes knives, creepy child obsession, lesbianism, blood fetishes and maybe even kissing her hot brother.  I can respect that.  But Jen An – you are dismissed.

I had to endure…nay…be tortured….with Aniston’s yet to be released creative wasteland entitled ‘Management’ . This was supposed to be a treat to us, as we were offered the entertainment value before the general public was allowed to view this gloriously empty and implausible landslide of a film.

Woody Harrelson couldn’t even save it, playing the evil punk rock boyfriend (of course! anyone friends with Joe Strummer is an asshole!!!  Well, at least in Rupert Murdoch’s opinion).  And yes, like any good old-school punk rock guy, he wants to marry a hot, mainstream, corporate, worked-out hottie chick who is extremely cold to him. Ah, punk rock guys…you truly all succumb to those girls that rejected you in high school and it’s a farce, ain’t it boys?

  Read the rest of this entry »

Will Smith, Jaden Smith & Jada Pinket Smith: You All Have Been Dismissed.

I’m sorry but I need you all to get straight out of my face. You all had me in the 90’s [see: A Different World, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, 6 Degrees of Separation, and my favorite,  Set It Off], but now I shiver every-time I see any of you. Who took your soul? Who took your pride? Who took your talent? And where do you get off spawning the worst child actor ever?  Read the rest of this entry »

Brokencyde: Dismissed or Not Dismissed?

Watch this till the end, then read on.

I just learned of these mexi generational trend hounds called Borkencyde yesterday. While at first I must admit, I was ready to slap their presents immediately straight out of my face, but then, I was so entranced by how off the rails this was I had to investigate further, which of course confused me more.  Read the rest of this entry »

Chris Dane Owens: Question, Dismissed or not Dismissed?

Watch first in its entirety, then I’ll discuss.

Best if viewed in high quality quicktime

I’m really struggling with this new singer dude Chris Dane Owens. I’ve never heard of him before, I just watched his video, I have to admit I was really entertained, not because it was good, but because I wondered when the hard core porn was going to start. Read the rest of this entry »

Britney Spears: You Have Been Dismissed

I hate Britney Spears.  I don’t care that it’s her birthday week and I don’t care that she’s “getting it together” now for a come back.  The bitch cannot sing.  Period.  She is a product of the record label marketing machines who’s only job is to crank out skank whores like Britney until they’re spent.  And this bitch has lasted WAY too long.  “Hit me baby one more time…?”  How about I hit you ten more times.

She’s nothing more than a former Mouseketeer from Kentwood, Louisiana with frighteningly wide set eyes, fake tits, fake ass, fake nose, calf implants….do I need to go on?  Let’s talk about the voice.  WTF?  Jesus Christ, she sucks.  It’s like a cross between helium, The Chipmunks, and a queef.  A really stanky queef.

Read the rest of this entry »

Lady GaGa: You Have Been Dismissed.

Lady GaGa, I just don’t get you, you make no sense to me, I can’t even
pretend you do. I’ve heard others rave about you so I’ve tuned in to see
what all the buzz is about. When I first laid eyes on you I was convinced
you were a Tranny Hooker who got her lucky break while working a taco
stand in Hollywood. Read the rest of this entry »

Brendan Fraser: You Have Been Dismissed.

Since you came on the scene in 1991, you have made nearly 50 movies including such films as Dudley Do Right, George Of The Jungle, The Mummy Franchise, and Journey To The Center Of The Earth.  But were you ever good?  Read the rest of this entry »

Prince: You Have Been Dismissed

Prince, for the past 15 years or so, I’ve done nothing but defend you and explain your idiotic decisions and dumb ass behavior on you just being a misunderstood, eccentric genius. But now I’m done, I’ve given up on you, from now on you are on your own in your little, purple, Jehovah Witness world. Read the rest of this entry »