Denny’s: You have Been Dismissed

Dear Denny’s Corp.-

Thank you SO much for the free Grand Slam breakfast! Now then….what is 15% of zero, again?
Just kidding folks! Denny’s could “do” drive-by Grand Slammings in my neighborhood and I’d cover my face with my hands and shake my head violently, preventing any of that disgusting mess from “getting” into my mouth “on accident”. Read the rest of this entry »

stuffed animals in cars: you have been dismissed

I see you, 45-year-old man driving by yourself in your mother (who you live with)’s borrowed car to go lurk on twelve year olds at the batting cages. It is totally depressing that the only form of self-expression you are capable of is to leave your faded-ass Garfield or Hello Kitty stuffed animals in the window of your car. SO MANY of them, too. Read the rest of this entry »

Littering: You Have Been Dismissed.

Sure, in third world countries they shit in the river and drink the same water downstream, and in South America they drain raw sewage into the ocean and throw their garbage on the sidewalk. And in the grand scheme of things, until we learn how to rocket trash barges into deep space, we’re all essentially shitting in our own nest, but for the love of god when I’m watching you throw three empty Starbucks Frappaccino cups and two Denny’s clamshells out of your car at a red light, I seriously want to set you on fire and piss down your throat. Who eats at Denny’s anyway?