Dear Denny’s Corp.-

Thank you SO much for the free Grand Slam breakfast! Now then….what is 15% of zero, again?
Just kidding folks! Denny’s could “do” drive-by Grand Slammings in my neighborhood and I’d cover my face with my hands and shake my head violently, preventing any of that disgusting mess from “getting” into my mouth “on accident”.

Remember when Denny’s tried to FUN up its image some years back by throwing aluminum siding on some of its outlets with bright cursive neon signs that pathetically screamed out “Denny’s California Diner”? I do. That shit was fucking lame. Dude.
I was forced to eat at a Denny’s while spending time with my family this past X-Mas Eve and what a barftastic nightmare that was. Think I dropped 50 fucking bucks on two lunch meals and a kids’ meal? Really? Jesus. I did. I might revert back to that disgusting meal in my mind when I am sitting in the poor house collecting what little social security is left to dole out to the broke-ass elderly in….gulp….30 years. Will be screaming something like, “DENNY!!!?! I want my 50 spot back! (gum, gum, gum, piss myself)”

Did I finish what Denny’s served me? Of course I did, but that is no tribute to Denny’s gross-ass food. I am a pig, was starving my ass off at the time and that restaurant was the only thing open in town. See….this is the kind of situation Denny’s restaurants BANK ON. You (me) having nowhere else to go. What kind of business plan is that to have, ethically speaking as a RESTAURANT? “Better than nothing” or “We know you’re starving right about now….have a shitty-tasting $8 hamburger…and tip our staff if you happen to have more than a $10 bill on you, you poor piece of shit!” Shameful, I say. FOR SHAME, Denny! Was there ever a Denny. THE Denny? I’ll bet he was a portly fucking asshole.

That’s another thing with Denny’s…..why would you put your staff (the waitresses at Denny’s usually look like they’ve been working there for 25 years. Consecutively. No breaks. Obviously their fair share of cigarette breaks, actually nevermind) through the FREE breakfast-serving ordeal like they did yesterday? Can you imagine the hell of serving up FREE shitty breakfast plates to the kinds of people who would go out of their way to save the $0.94 the regular bowl of cereal or buttered toast and orange juice at home would cost you? I mean….I know we’re all on hard times and shit, but come ON America!

Dear god. I could go on and on about Denny’s being a shitpile of a franchise, but I’ll stop. For now. Denny’s Restaurants: you are motherfucking DISMISSED.

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I see you, 45-year-old man driving by yourself in your mother (who you live with)’s borrowed car to go lurk on twelve year olds at the batting cages. It is totally depressing that the only form of self-expression you are capable of is to leave your faded-ass Garfield or Hello Kitty stuffed animals in the window of your car. SO MANY of them, too. And of course there’s a Kleenex box tucked back there in between Sunshine Bear and Rainbow Bear, for when you are driving 50 in the slow lane on the freeway and someone gives you the finger and you pull over to have a good cry about all the mean people and injustice in the world. WTF. We know you’re a virgin, ok? And we know about your Hair Club for Men membership and the Jingle Cats and Michael Bolton discs you keep in heavy rotation.

Nobody wants to witness this four-wheeled cry for help in the form of lavender polar bears, Shrek wearing a pleather 49ers jersey and other worthless shit you pulled out of the claw machine at Denny’s after spending like, seventeen dollars. We want to get hopped up on Sparks (r.i.p.) and run your fat ass over, put you out of your misery and forget about you forever, but then somebody would probably put fucking stuffed animals on top of your coffin and we’d have to kill them, too. A vicious cycle.

So. If you have some weird obsession with tiny plush objects, please do the rest of the world a favor and keep it in your PANTS. Leave Scooby and Scrappy Doo at home, decorating your bed, so that you have something to greet you when you walk through the door after a long hard day of touching yourself in the movie theatre bathroom during your fifth screening of Twilight. Because I guarantee you, that’s as good as it’s gonna get.

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Sure, in third world countries they shit in the river and drink the same water downstream, and in South America they drain raw sewage into the ocean and throw their garbage on the sidewalk. And in the grand scheme of things, until we learn how to rocket trash barges into deep space, we’re all essentially shitting in our own nest, but for the love of god when I’m watching you throw three empty Starbucks Frappaccino cups and two Denny’s clamshells out of your car at a red light, I seriously want to set you on fire and piss down your throat. Who eats at Denny’s anyway?

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