Dear Tyler Perry-
What is your fucking problem? That is a rhetorical Q for u. Here are a few questions I would like answered, if you don’t mind and are able to find a few moments between shitting out more stereotypical brainless bullshit and cashing checks from networks and studios.

WHAT? What is your fucking prob-oh. I already said that.

WHAT? What kind of horse spit are you going to come up with next? Will that old angry bitch (you in drag) do ANOTHER fucking cameo on your crappy show? Have Mathelsba, or whatever “her” name is, tell somebody else’s kids to “Shut the hell up, fo’ you get smacked upside the head”? I hope you only have the one show, dude. If you’ve got two networks on lock, I am going to start watching more DVD’s. Maybe the CW will be TPN next. Tyler Perry Netw-you know.

WHEN? When is this all going to end, and HOW? I am on the edge of my seat! Will Maybelle (or whatever) go into outer space? I hope she never makes it back!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS AND WHY WOULD ANYBODY GIVE A RAT’S ASS? Will there be (yet) another fight-filled (with love, of course) Thanksgiving dinner?

Maybe she’ll (Melba, or whatever) save Christmas this year. Dress up in a Santa Suit and tell children all around the world to “Shut up, fo’ you get smacked upside your head!”
I’ll make you a promise, Tyler Perry: if your next movie is, “Mahalia (or whatever) Dies After Being Gang-Raped And Shot In The Face Over And Over And Over Again”, I promise I’ll go. I’ll even bring a date. Scout’s Honor. Oh! Here’s a pitch for you: “Mavis (or whatever) VII: Scout’s Honor”. You put that fat suit and dress back on and lead a pack/tribe/unit/whatever of privileged suburban white Scouts on a wacky adventure, chalk full of you smacking them upside their snotty little heads for back-talking! Eh? Have your people call my people. We’ll do lunch.

WHY? Why hasn’t somebody stomped you out, yet? I thought black people hated gays. And they just loooove to fight, if your movie trailers and television shows have taught me anything.

WHO? Who in the hell is paying for all of this shit? And further; does ANYBODY go to your movies? AT ALL?  In the world, ever??? I know Oprah doesn’t pay to sit down at a movie theater, so she’s out. Wait just a goddamned second! Is there some kind of conspiracy between the two of you? Are you performing oral on Oprah and is Oprah paying to have your movie(s) made? The letter “s” in parentheses, as you seem to have made the exact same movie 15 times. Premise, as is my understanding (please forgive me Tyler, I could only handle about 20 minutes of the first piece of crap you shat out a few years ago): You, in drag. You’re old and have seen shit and know what’s best for people and ain’t gonna put up with nobody’s guff. You in the super market (entire movie). You (in drag and pissed off, talkin’ all SASSY) in the Laundromat telling babies to keep quiet. You in prison, beating down buff white chicks. Am I getting it right, or is there more to your bullshit than that?

I am going to do some light research here….see what your last movie grossed (other than ME OUT (rimshot))…and Googling….and….oh my god.

9/12/08 Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys LGF $37,105,289 (2,070 Screens)
3/21/08 Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns LGF $41,975,388 (2,016 Screens)
10/12/07 Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married LGF $55,204,525 (2,034 Screens)
2/24/06 Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion LGF $63,257,940 (2,194 Screens)
2/25/05 Diary of a Mad Black Woman Lions $50,633,099 (1,703 Screens)

Gulp. Nevermind. I’m going to go catch up with “House Of Payne”. I must be missing something.

“Madea”: You are still fucking DISMISSED. Tyler Perry, though? You totally rock, apparently.

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