The other weekend, I had the sheer displeasure of heading over to ROMANO’S MACARONI GRILL for my Uncle’s Birthday.  Now I love my Uncle and would walk to the end of the Olive Garden or even Bucca Di Bepo for him.  I’m just saying, that one step through Romano’s door and I knew that my order would consist of a singular Iced Tea (hold the lemon please) with a later stop at the Taco Truck – Taco Zone. Two hours later, I emerged from the faux stone building where we left a Crayon covered Paper Table, and my mind.

Oh Macaroni Grill HELL…What has ‘Merica come to?!

I’m only going to give a few reasons as to why The Macaroni Grill is DISMISSED as I’ve already wasted enough time foaming at the mouth over it.  God, I’ve been a good human…I refrain from watching (hours worth of) porn.  Please give me two hours of my life back.

Negative (-) 1:

• Let’s pull apart the words in the Restaurant’s Name. ROMANO. Now, hate to break it to you, but Romano is not the name of a dude. Not even a chick pretending to be a dude. Romano means ROMAN and/or Roman Catholic – and it’s also used when talking about the Hard Cheese which is usually served grated as a GARNISH. Oh, hell no.

- So, basically we’ve either got “Roman Catholic Macaroni Grill” [A little Jesus in every bite]; “The Cheese Used as a Garnish Macaroni Grill” [If you don’t know by now, that’s a Dismissed No No]; or “Roman Macaroni Grill.”

• Secondly, have you ever heard of cooking Macaroni on the Grill? No wonder their food tastes like shit…

Negative (-) 2:

• Rosetta Stone in the Bathroom. Have you ever gone into the Macaroni Grill bathroom, dropped trow, and learned how to say number 1 and number 2 in Italian while accomplishing a Number 1 and/or Number 2? It can be disconcerting and just plain wrong. Imagine, a man/woman telling you “Faccio Un Numero Uno y Numero Due,” while you’re tooting.  I’ll tell you, I coddled that Turtle til I got home.

Negative (-) 3:

• Remember, back in the day, when The Macaroni Grill used to have a Pavarotti-shaped Baritone who’s only job was to sing “Happy Birthday To You” in the ancient language of LOVE? {Yes, I am currently admitting that I have frequented The M.G. during High School – and I am also admitting that The Taint – Age 13 – 18 should most probably be dismissed.}
• What The M.G. has now are scared shitless Kids from high school whom are just trying to make money to buy weed and some condoms and somehow they managed to find their way to The M.G. because they barely made it onto their school’s Choir team. The poor boy who sung to us, started with a few, “mi mi miiii’s…” and a drip of sweat found his way onto his brow.  He was mortified…and not just because I stuck a dollar down his pants…

Negative (-) 4:

• The Menu. I don’t really need to explain much more than that. Their newest offering, Make Your Own Pasta is truly my favorite thing on the Menu. “HEY AMERICANS!  Leave Your House – Come on down to The M.G. where you can choose how you would make your pasta at home – and Romano Here will make it taste exactly how you would – and it will cost ya’ 3x as much! We’re here waiting so come on down! We’ll even throw in a few straw covered Chianti Bottles for decoration to really give you that Eye-talian Spirit.”

In Italian:  Macaroni Grill Essere Dimettere.

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Dear Garnish-

I hate to break it to you. But someone has to let you know.

You’re a THIRD WHEEL. You’re a $$23 Million Dollar US Enterprise Wasting Food, Farmer’s Time, and Natural Resources. Get a date with someone who needs you.  Get off my plate.

Let me compartmentalize it in the following manner:

1. Define “Third Wheel”
2. Explain What You’ve Done To Warrant It
3. Describe What You Can Do To Make A Change

Numero Uno: Third Wheel Is Defined As The Following:

• One who deters the socialization of a couple, perhaps when being invited out of pitty or through a feeling of duty. They may be eased into the situation by being allowed to stay in an environment he or she has become accustomed to (perhaps a kitchen, where the third wheel can bake cookies for the couple.) The third wheel may feel uncomfortable about watching the couple canoodle, but none of this is taken into consideration.

Numero Dos: By now, you’re probably asking yourself, “I don’t deserve this!…Why ME?”  Below are just a few examples of your inedible disguises.  Consider a career change.

• You’ve ruined my date with Breakfast and my relationship with Denny’s. You take up space as Curley Parsley next to/on top of/ hidden in my Eggs and Bacon. Do you ever wonder why you are the only thing on my plate left behind?  Your grassy knoll texture is not welcome here.

• You’ve orange-blocked my love affair with Pancakes by oozing your liquid into them. I’m forced to kindly request your exclusion– yet the chef, so accustomed to your presence – never fails to challenge my relationship with my meal.

• I don’t know how you’ve done it – but you’ve managed to be two places at once – both a whole Grilled Pepper [Too spicy too eat] and a full Grilled Roma Tomato [which should really only be eaten stewed], taking up ½ my plate – leaving little room for what I actually ordered.

• I applaud your Georgia O’Keefe ambition [But, please stop] and become violently angry at the sight of Syrupy Maraschino Cherries in Alcohol or Full Dried Chilies on top of Specialty Curries.

Numero Tres: In the words of the 70’s Disco sensation, FOXY,   “GET OFF!!”

• Garnish, get off my food.
  
• Let ME Get Off with my meal in peace.
  
• Be a part of the meal, instead of on top of it.
• Or be of use not useless.

As for your current Role in the World - You’ve been dismissed.

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