Comeomletmeshowyouhowtodothatconga, Icannotwaitaroundforya’anylongah. FUCK OFF with that old bullshit!

Dear Gloria Estefan-
What is your goddamned problem? We celebrated your latina machisma 25 years ago when you came back from a broken neck after a Jet Ski accident, or whatever you did, by putting up with your awful dancepop…salsarock…whateverthefuck your music is….and not that your songs were so unique that they DEFIED a boxed-in genre….don’t you fucking DARE take that as that, you fucking troll. We’ll call your horseshit “Latin Crossover Pop”. Hell, apparently some people felt sorry enough for you they actually BOUGHT a few of your records (your awful, awful records) because you have enough extra cash floating around the Estefan household you bought into the Miami Dolphins franchise (???).  Are you fucking kidding me right now?I would hope this an April Fool’s ribber, if only it were April. God, how I wish it were April!

Now that we’reall very  done with your embarasing song and dance show, or whatever, here you go getting involved with the hallowed National Football League. The NFL, for fuck’s sweet sake? Gloria? Why the NFL? Isn’t there a AAA baseball team-wait! I’ll bet Florida has three or four pro hockey teams by now. Get invloved with one of those! ALL of those, I don’t give a shit. Football and Gloria Estefan mix like chocolate chip cookies and Clamato. Hey now…that’s a good one liner. I oughtta remember that for future us-now I am swaying off topic here.
Fuck you, Gloria! I’ll bet you’re some massive football fan, aren’t you Gloria. I’ll bet you were doing the Ickey Shuffle, weren’t you. You were rapping along with Jim McMahon and Sweetness when they were doing the SUPER BOWL shuffle, too, I’ll bet. This is sarcasm, FYI. But seriously…
Are you going to try and design the teams uniforms, Gloria? Have your daughters or sons sing and do the cha-cha at halftime? Bring your gaggle of little dogs to the owner’s box, arriving fashionably late and leaving early to beat traffic? Did you hear about the local football team when they made an 8 game turnaround from the ’07 season and everybody was shitting themselves Dolphins’ aqua and orange? Did you think to yourself, “What is this ‘football’ everybody’s going crazy for right now? I should look into that and get involved! ASAP” Have you been unable to break into Miami’s top-notch dinner party circuit and are too apathetic to get into politics? WHAT IS IT, godddamnit!!?!?! Why? WHY???
Why isn’t anybody stopping this? And please don’t tell me that the Miami Dolphins approached Gloria Estefan. Please. I will kill myself in a red-faced baffled rage. Are you trying to fuck Dan Marino, Gloria? If you’re just trying to fuck Dan Marino and lose interest in the NFL after he shoves your head in a toilet after an advance, I can live with that. Maybe he’ll give you a pity fuck and THEN you’ll move on? Buy some car dealerships, or something? Please? Start a Target-exclusive clothing line or design a fragrance? Handbags? Anything else besides pro football? For the love of god?
Oh dear.  Somebody needs to find Mark Duper and comfort him! I know he has to be taking this news hard. At least he should be. Unless he was “Doing That Conga” in the late 80’s…in which case: fuck you, too, Mark Duper! One facebar nancyboy!
See, Gloria? Now I’m lashing out at Mark Duper, for fuck’s sake. The only end in sight is if the Dolphins lose every game for the next three seasons and the town of Miami drags Gloria out of the owner’s box (perhaps in a conga line?) and skins her alive in LandShark Stdium’s parking lot. Maybe they’ll rename it Miami Sound Machine Stadium. In that event, I will have no choice but to start watching hockey or reading books to fill my autumntime Sundays. Shutter to think it.