Yo! LC! Talk to the hand, girl! You’re mf-in’ dismissed, and stuff!

Lauren. Honey. Take a seat. Audrina is fucking your shit up right now. I’ve been seein’ a lot of prep for the upcoming HILLS season around the internet, and I have to say that Audrina is looking b-a-n-g-i-n-‘! You know it’s true, too,  and I am sure it drives you crazy/to making yourself throw up after lunch and dinner.
Looks to me like she took her fake balloon-lookin’ tits out, and she is looking better than ever. Way better than you, that’s for sure. It’s sooo great that you have a clothing line, and junk…maybe you should focus on that this year. Eh? Let Audrina have more camera time. You and that voice of yours.
Where did YOUR tits go, by the way? Are you not eating? Oh sweety. You should start eating again. All of the anorexing in the world ain’t going get that bleh-ass body up to Audrina’s level of excellence. She has those “fuck me” eyes. (I just made that term up.)

I know what you’re thinking right now, Lauren. You’re all, “YyyyYUCK! I mean, she looks like Droopy Dog! Like, gag me!” (Oh dear.)

You’re lying to yourself and you’re sooo jealous, omg. Unless you’re making out with Audrina in some awesome candlelit booth in some rad L.A. restaurant trying desperately to get Audrina’s top off (oh! Or better: in a jacuzzi, but you’re wearing a potato sack under a garbage bag and a swimming cap!), Lauren Conrad, I’d prefer you just exited stage left and never came back to The Hills.

Hey, now here’s an idea! Move to New York with that spun-off bitch and be on her show. She’s not all that hot, either. You two could talk shit on Audrina the entire time, or whatever. All the way across the country and on a completely separate show, not watering down Audrina’s show with your average looks!
You just can’t compete, LC. I wish you’d stop trying. You’re dismissed. Audrina, come and sit on daddy’s lap. He has something he wants to “tell” you…