I enjoy a temporary roadside community as much as the next guy. So I was very excited to go to Quartzite, Arizona. Home of many rock and gem outlets, mobile pizza and taco establishments and a giant, pink structure that promised “cheap deals”.

Fortunately this was not all Quartzite had to offer. Let me take you on a magical journey to a Mc Donalds just across the street from “cheap deals”. A place where women don’t have hair, the morbidly obese languish in the hot sun sticking to the booths and no one wears shoes…but they do wear socks. Monster trucks in the drive through are emblazoned with the words “dirt bitch”. Children roam wild and unattended and are surely hearded by the mayor and his golf cart as the sun is going down. A place where you will fear for your gay and asian friends. A place where a man can walk his two impeccably groomed standard show poodles while a drunk man with no teeth falls face first into the grass in front of him. Inside the McDonalds is fancy. Maybe the fanciest place in town. Complete with a Mc Lounge where the hairless ladies about town can rest between value meals.

I can no longer tell if this is a dismissal or a love letter but just in case, McDonalds of Quartzite, Arizona – you have been dismissed. But I will be back (but not like Mac and Me, I will be back for real)

MakeYourBananaCry: This McDonalds is also a place where a Mexican woman orders 15 happy meals and analyze’s the receipt to make sure she also got their 3 Diet Cokes, 4 Apple Pies and 8 Big Macs to feed their childrens belly’s while the McD’s Manager looks at her with disgust. Meat Hat thought this was the fanciest McDonalds he had ever seen. After waiting 45 minutes for our food we all ran for our vehicle to eat where we were locked in and the windows were sealed to protect us from the questionable elements that lurked outside. This is a McDonald’s we will never step foot in again. You cannot return to a place where the characters from The Hills Have Eyes feed themselves as we were lucky to escape the first time next time we may not be so lucky.

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