Click here to watch Dr. Meat Hat explain party lesbians.

Definition: Straight girls who make out in male dominated party situations.

I do judge a “good/bad movie”  by the amount of Party Lesbians it boasts (see. Lost Boys Lost Tribe). But in the real time world Party Lesbians are so starved for male testosterone attention they’ll go at it at parties just to get the attention their families never gave them. They want the benefits of attention without all the real pain it really takes to be a actual homosexual.

At a party I’m sure its easier for loose women to make out with some other girl, kissing girls is soft like kissing angles wings, I can see it being better then making out with dudes, which feels like rubbing up on a Chore Boy Scrub.

I’m sure licking tequila off another girls nipples feels right in the moment when 50 guys are standing around chanting you to do it.  Why not, its what the crowd wants. You’re a star, if only for 3 mins.

Party Lesbians in California probably identified with No on Prop 8 for a little bit because they kissed a girl and they liked it, they liked the taste of her cherry chap stick. But once they went to vote they most likely voted Yes, because they too wanted to keep the joy of dabbling in something WRONG, and if it where RIght, well, then it wouldn’t be sexy or taboo anymore.

Men, I get the allure of watching a party lesbian at a party.  But what you have to realize is that they are doing this for you. There are no lesbian’s that go to drunk bro/frat/juggalo/pimp and hoe parties. They are home feeding their cats, greasing up their motorbike or being way more awesome and productive with their time. In reality they’re just like all single people, they’re probably drunk somewhere else away from men, all making out. But let’s face it, men are really upset by actual lesbians, because their penis serves no purpose in the matter.

Woman that are truly homosexual don’t need to make out on kegs at a party, they don’t need your approval and they really don’t need a man boner.

Party Lesbians, the real way to a mans lust in the long run; Brains. They need a strong woman to tell them what to do the rest of their lives, so you might as well be smarter then them, and you get to keep your self respect.

Party Lesbians; Pull up your juicy sweatpants, tie back your bleached stringy hair and call your dad because you have been Dismissed.

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To be fair [its bad luck to hate on children], So I’ll lay off Jaden Smith, he’s young, he doesn’t know any better. His douche ass, type A power [allegedly] closeted parents are shoving him into the lime light with no actual skills. Jaden, you were awful in The Day the Earth Stood Still remake, so much so, I looked away and plugged my ears every-time you spoke. I could almost see you looking at your dad or mom, repeating the lines just as they said them to you. We can blame the Director this time, but for real you didn’t hack it. But its not too late, you look like a sassy kid with a brain, so why not become a layer, a doctor or something that will impact peoples lives for the better? You’re not cutting it as an actor, bow out with your pride. Don’t follow in your parents footsteps. For god sake don’t remake the Karate Kid, it won’t end well for you, I promise.  You are dismissed from acting, pull it together and make something of yourself in another field, like jr. high.

Will Smith, I know you get paid on flat bed trucks, I know you rub elbows with Tom Cruise, but you need to step back and get your head out of the clouds. Give Jazzy Jeff a call [or a pay check] and chill out. You used to have a spunk, a likable spunk about you. Now you have the glow of a shinny penny. You look good, but you’re worthless to me. You only do blockbuster snore films, your ego slaps everyone in the face, and its like you turned your back on the one thing that made you great. You’re witty personality. You almost turn it on now for the camera like Jim Carey, and Robin Williams, but we can hear you cry when you go home. You’re not a power animal, stop it. I believe you can act, now show me a real performance that doesn’t take attitude or CGI effects. You lost me at Independence day, the second you punched that Alien in the face and smoked a cigar, I knew you didn’t deserve the keys to the brand new porsche.

Jada, Jada, Jada I know you think you can sing metal.

That is your delusion of grandeur, you need someone close to you to just tell you NO!!!, Oh hell no sista, step away from Ozzfest. Your band Wicked Wisdom is by far the worst thing to happen to metal. Call Ice T sometime and ask him how its done, he got it right with Body Count. Watch this video below, I dare you to make it all the way through.

Jada, your persistence is enjoyable, I mean laughable, I’m hope you enjoyed, your time as a special rock goddess, but stop. You are a ball breaker and a power chick, now act in something good and stop putting your children in films.

The Family Smith, take your money, buy an island, supply it was man/ woman ASS, and go away, no one will judge you on your island. Send Jaden to Harvard, I think he’ll go far in life as something else. You all are dismissed.

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I just learned of these mexi generational trend hounds called Borkencyde yesterday. While at first I must admit, I was ready to slap their presents immediately straight out of my face, but then, I was so entranced by how off the rails this was I had to investigate further, which of course confused me more. 

Its no secret that Meat Hat fears the youth of today. But, something has to be said about this mismatch of suburban blight that has actually made something of a mexican hot topic toxic avenger Monster. They are the Toxie of hipster culture, they put it all in a blender, fucked it, went to the mall, bought some shoes, and cut an album. They were able to use all the tends  they’ve learned over the past 15 years, and funneled it all into one big pop toilet.

They got SUV’s, fuck yeah?

They got HeadBands, FUCK YEAH!,

They got acne, (which I think is amazing), Fuck Yeah!

Sorta sound like Limp Bizkit, and Ratatat, and lil wayne. Who knew?

They got a closeted Dirtbag on the digital voice modulator, like most hip hop these days, FUCK yeah!

They name brands, FUCK why?

They choke a bitch, a bitch who is probably their moms best friends daughter who wants to get into modeling, But now she’s been choked on your coke whore music video, FUck yeah!

They got the Senesetive break down, Fuck yeah!

They got tattoos at 15, they got American Apparel v necks, they got hair from Orange County CA Circa 1999. not so fuck yeah, more like fuck ehh!!!

They even use Screamo as a dance beat, which is probably what entranced me to begin with.

But the one thing that Iove most about this, is, they let the closeted Accutane acne kid rule this video, while sweeping the fugly dudes under the suburban rug. Way to treat your fellow dirtbag bros.

If the end of the world is coming in 2012, we might as well fuck it and party till the end. The new youth is a party youth, they will kick holes in your 401ks, they’ll touch your daughters and grab a cinnabon at the mall. Its best not try to educate the youth, they’ll end up just fine in Quartzite AZ.

So while I want to dismiss, I can’t make up my mind, everything I talked about points to a dismissal, but its just so off the mexi charts I can’t. One thing is for sure, their fans have to work at KFC.

How do you feel about Brokencyde?

Take a futher look at their myspace page before you decide.

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Best if viewed in high quality quicktime

I’m really struggling with this new singer dude Chris Dane Owens. I’ve never heard of him before, I just watched his video, I have to admit I was really entertained, not because it was good, but because I wondered when the hard core porn was going to start. In his bio it talks about his music having a “Gleam of Techno-wizardry.” To me that’s not something you put in writing about yourself ever. Chris Dane Owens is a Los Angeles native, this fact to me is insane, because if this dude was from Norway he’d be hands down the coolest guy ever, but the fact he grew up in the sunshine, near disneyland, there is no excuse for his lord of the rings pale vampire ex twink bravado. I’m really conflicted, because this is everything I live for to pass my day, but then, a lot of time, money, and effort was put into this and I really don’t think he is joking. Even comeidans want you to laugh with them, and not at them. At the end of the amazing video it says, “Love Has Enemies”, at which you’re waiting for Fabio to come out and say, “I Can’t Believe its not art”, or something. The video was done by the special effects artist who did Ace Ventura Pet Detective, which, really makes me not want to dismiss him. I’m really conflicted. Help.

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The Popemobile is an informal name for the specially designed motor vehical used by the Pope during outdoor public appearances.

I have a question, where is the toilet paper roll dispenser? I have long laughed at the idea that one man on earth warrants his very own custom made traveling bullet proof Port-o-potty. With a name like THE POPEMOBILE you expect the car to be made of marble, have jewel encrusted tires and be carried/pushed by young alter boys in sandals, but no, it looks like a modern day mobile poop station.

Since its so modern you would think this specialty car would have flame throwers, be amphibious, and  “in a moment of danger”  be able to eject the pope into space. This car does none of these things, it only lets you look at the pope while sitting in an unflattering position. How is this inspiring to the masses who camp out days to see the holy one on his travels? Many of these cars have been designed for the pope, these days its a nice Mercedes model. Why not just put him in a vespa side car and call it a day? Pope Mobile, you are dismissed, you’re funny, but truly unnecessary.

Question for the active Pope and future Popes; Why travel at all when you have a set up like this?

This guy has a protest pope mobile which would be awesome to see on the freeway.

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Men’s Casual leather jackets had their hay day back in the 90’s. Men got laid in them at frat parties. Men baptized their baby’s at church sporting these bad ass fuckers . Shit, these rags were city issued at Hollywood industry get-togethers. Now, that time has come to an end. What are these guys holding onto? You need to take them off, and burn them. We don’t need them in thrift stores, we don’t need the homeless looking like their in line for a table at Chili’s.

These leather jackets are made for Men who love a big donut, and still think they have that “Edge.” Nothing like a bad ass in tan Dockers ripping a fart in his casual leather jacket while walking to the family car in the parking lot outside the Chucky Cheese. Sir, I have to be the one to tell you,

“On your 30 second break from the screaming kids and nagging wife, you’re not going to find some hot chick and fuck her behind your car, you’ll been seen by the Mexican lady who sells corn and tamales in the parking lot anyhow. Your days of being wild are over, stop clinging  to your casual leather jacket.”

You were never Joey Ramone and you don’t resemble him one bit with your huge forehead and pleats in your pants. You can’t wear your casual leather jacket to the company Christmas party and fool people that your a real bad ass off the clock. You should just wear a sign that says, “I gave up, I bought this jacket at Costco” and tuck your Tommy Bahama shirt in. Your lack of style makes woman’s vagina’s dry up like the Sahara. If you a gay dude rocking the causal leather jacket, you need to rethink your layability because you’re not getting laid, and everyone can tell.

The Casual Leather Jacket, I have uncovered you for the lack of reality fart dream catcher that you are. You have been dismissed.

Here is a reminder of what a real bad ass leather jacket is. No dude, you can’t pull it off, so do not even  try it.

Desko Fipps:

Meat Hat, you’re also missing 3 critical flaws with the Casual Leather Jacket (CLJ):

1. They weigh a fucking TON. My inlaws were in town over the holidays, and I was the fool who had to put their jackets in the closet each time they came back from whatever they did. EACH JACKET WEIGHED ABOUT 15lbs! Why? Who needs that? They actually bent 2 hangers I put them on in the closet, so I had to go upstairs and get 2 nice wooden hangers for them that I use for my suits. Bullshit right there.

2. They last forever. See… people are lazy, if something wears out, they replace it. I have sneakers that once I think they look sloppy, they get replaced. A leather jacket has an indefinate lifespan. They’re only used for about 4-5 months a year, and then unless the home their stored in burns down or is in a flood, they’re used for the next CLJ season. And what are they made of? LEATHER! That ENSURES they’ll never be replaced. I can only hope that somewhere a team of scientists are working on a leather eating moth in a lab to destroy all of these…

3. They’re never going to be cool again once they are purchased. Playing into both points above, once you buy one, that’s it, the jacket will NEVER be cool again. It was cool for that ONE season that you purchased it in, but never again. Its always going to look like 1998 when you put it on, and because its leather, and you’re lame, its going to look like 1998 until 2015, when the big quake, locust attack, giant floods, laser beam mishap or arson destroys your house and everything in it, forcing you to buy a new leather jacket.

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Meat Hat:

So you love God, Jesus, The Holy Ghost,  L. Ron, Joseph Smith, the spaghetti monster, Muhammad, Buddah, (insert Hindu god here), thats great, you can all agree on loving something completely out of grasp. That is your glorious right as a human, you get to believe whatever you like. But when people choose not to believe in something celestrial the religious community’s holy boxing gloves come off to battle the non believers.

This post isn’t supposed to prove all religions are wrong, its to show we can all coexist. The billboard up above was put up in Rancho  Cucamonga and was taken down after only one week on display. The complaints from the city and the residence was so great, and they chose to take down the billboard. Why is not believeing in something spiritual such a threat to religious people?

Foundation co-president Annie Laurie Gaylor said,

“Are religionists so thin-skinned they must squelch free debate? One small freethought billboard in the immense state of California is such a threat to insecure religious egos that it must be censored? With local freethinkers’ help, the Freedom From Religion Foundation would love to plaster the valley with our message. Let’s fight back!”

To me fighting back is just as crazy as the Jesus fighters and Mormons who knock door to door. To battle that there is no god is just as lame as battling for a gods existence. Can’t we all go back to not talking about religion in public? Can’t we keep that a personal choice that doesn’t invade public policy and advertising space?

I saw this Billboard on the way to AZ this weekend, and it just made me laugh out loud.

We as humans should start dealing with the tangible messes here on this planet, before we start sorting out the magical ones elsewhere in the heaven’s.

Please feel free to add, there are  many other religious freaks to dismiss.

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Meat Hat:

Oh Daytona Beach Florida, with your hard packed beach sand and drunk under age beauties, what is it about your city that just instantly makes me gag? 

Let me start off by saying I’ve never been to Daytona Beach, and I’d slash a wrist before ever going, I’ve seen too much already. If I had to walk 10 feet down that beach I would do so in a camping shower to instantly wash the trash off my skin.  When I think of Daytona Beach I instantly think its where lil Wayne would go to fuck white women. Something about it being the Headquarters of NASCAR really puts me in fearful state of mind as well.

Many years ago when the Timucuan Indians ruled these beaches before the sand sluts brought the Bad Boys Club Inc. mullet parade of herpes and HPV to town. I’m sure the indians would have shed many single tears knowing that their death from the white man’s diseases lead to the Daytona 500 and Spring Break. Their beaches are one of the few places on earth you can drive your car on the sand, and maybe this is the root of the problem. I bet local law enforcement would let spud McKenzie Drive a Car down that beach, beer bonging and paw banging two bitches.

I’ve had nightmares about an American Graffiti remake directed by a dismissible hack Bret Ratner. The film would be set in 1990’s Daytona Beach Florida.  The license plates wouldn’t be classic throw backs to past art films like THX1138, it would be BSTHYMN and VGNASS. The soundtrack would be Milli Vanilli, Van Halen and Vanilla Ice as the cars cruise up and down the beach. I Just picture young republican’s dudes letting down their ape drapes and hunting down that one special girl, club by club, who will by movies end let them double penetrate her. The dudes will drink a baby pool worth of tequila, the girl will show her rack to the girls gone crazy film crews and then, the dudes in a drunk moment of clarity realize that double penetration is way too gay. What if their balls were to touch? They’d both have to kill themselves for shaming their genitals like that.  The film would star dismissible none actors like that fleshy beard dude from MTV’s The Hills and Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby daddy.

Daytona Beach, you are the red scary scab on America’s Wiener. You Have Been Dismissed.

Bonus:

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Meat Hat:

So you’re balding? Big deal its not like most men have the lion’s mane of Mitt Romney. There is no shame in going bald gracefully. The self confidence you feel when you wear a toupée is false, more people will discuss your “FUR BEANIE” then they would if you just sport your cute bald head. Unless of course your head is misshapen, in that case, ew gross.  When you rock a comb over you run the risk of everyone you know and work with calling you“Cinnabon”behind your back. Life is not fair, you don’t get to be perfect, but you are in control of how others perceive you. A Toupée makes you look like a sore loser, trying to make some time outs before the life game is over. No woman is going to fuck you with a toupée on, if you sadly have a comb over, there is still time, you can still have a pretty good looking LOBOT.

The Toupée, your place is history is over, You Are Dismissed.

Comb Overs, You are fooling no one, you are shamed and Dismissed.

Note: This post is not for ladies, ladies if you’re balding, get a wig, get many fabulous wigs and never ever take them off.

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Meat Hat:

When I was young I had to listen to Dr. James Dobson in my moms white broke ass Toyota Corolla. No air conditioning, no flat panel TV screens or game boys/ psp to escape to. Being  a kid in the 80’s was tough, but listening to Dr. James Dobson was always a low point in the car rides, the high point was getting to listen to Neil Diamond.

Dr. James Dobson’s rants about keeping your family fisted at all times with the word of G O D. He always made me want to roll my head up in the window.  As I got a little older I realized starting a lame conversation in the car, got my mom to turn down the radio. My first topic of discussion was always how I really wanted to start growing tall, so I needed 2 happy meals for dinner. (I really didn’t need the food, I ate ants after soccer practice,  I just wanted 2 hot wheels cars).

For years I forgot about Dobson, because I refused to listen to his monotone voice in the car, and was excited one night that came across this song on MTV while visiting my grandma who didn’t know she had cable. It was Del Tha Funkee Homosapien.

I thought he was singing about Dobson, and it got me excited, but soon realized I was way off.

Now that I’m older I see the damage this man has caused in the name of his God Lord Jesus. He’s separated families, made families fear there gay sons, daughters and brothers and sisters. He’s an old man who condemns Sponge Bob square pants of promoting the gay agenda, only by promoting that its OK to be different. You sell propaganda in the name of FAMILY. You spent half a million dollars on CA prop 8, only to have to turn around and lay off 200 people at FOCUS ON THE FAMILY because of your mishandling of funds. You put your money on the wrong side of history. You’ll go down in history as standing in the way of human rights.  You’re losing because you won’t adapt to what it means to be a family, you can’t see that loving your family for who they are is the right way to focus on your family, you focus on how you want them to be.

You have no purpose, your time is up, your rich, your happy, your privledged, you worship fame, your smug, You have no shame and you’ll never accept blame,. You think you own the world but let me tell you, you don’t. So please step away from your microphone, the damage has been done in the name of your G O D and your personal ego. Hopefully you can kick it with Jerry Falwell soon. You are dismissed.

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