Anyone got any nail clippers?

There is nothing attractive, hunky or swooning about him.  He doesn’t have six pack abs and pouty lips.  He isn’t waxing his chest and banging Angelina Jolie.  A real vampire is a creepy old weirdo who wears buttoned-up mortuary salesman suits, stalks you at night then kills you unwillingly by biting the crap out of your jugular. There have been people who for decades now, either actually believe they are vampires or try to be them.  They even go so far as to have implants on their teeth. 

Yah, I live at home - how'd you know?

Fuck, I remember when I was 19 yrs. old and underage I snuck into the Rainbow Room on Sunset and we found this creepy little room at the top of this little staircase in the back.  And inside sitting on benches around the walls were these people dressed up all 80s vampire-y and not making a sound.  Not talking, laughing or even getting fucked up on cheap booze.  The sign outside said ‘Beware Of Hollywood Vampires’.  Then, the bouncer who was supposed to be guarding their little vampire room came in and kicked us out. 

Seriously folks, what is up with the vampire wanna-bes?  You even try to drink blood like it really will make you immortal but it doesn’t.  It just makes you idiotic and disgusting.  Go find a chick on her period and at least make an effort for somebody, ok?  It’s like dumb, white, bored people can’t think of anything else to do and are unhappy with their lame white lives and have to invent these fantasy lives for themselves.  And now, we have to suffer through these people making watered-down, vanilla vampire movies and TV shows that teenage girls angst over.  I mean ‘Twilight’?  You could not pay me in enough man-whores to make me go see that tween wet dream.

Even Anne Rice, fuck you – you’re an overrated writer and your characters suck, and not just blood.  They suck tranny vampire cock.  Now THAT would at least be interesting, and maybe even a little frightening.    Now it’s ‘True Blood’ on HBO.  Please.  I like my vampires ugly, deranged and pissed off as they should be.  They are evil predators of our dreams and need to stay that way. 

Don’t get them all sexed up and worked out – what, did Prince suddenly get a hold of all vampire rights and is churning this shit out?  Next thing you know, all vampires will be wearing purple satin jumpsuits with platform heels and spouting off about gay marriage being wrong.  Yes, I made a connection between Prince and vampires.  Fuck Prince too!  (see other dismissed blog on Prince by MakeYourBananaCry) He used to be a god but crumbled at the altar of mediocrity many years ago.  Just like the evil that used to be vampire.  Hot mainstream vampires:  get back into your Dolce & fucking Gabbana crypts, you’re dismissed.

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First of all, how many bands make ONE album worth of great material? An album where every song belongs? It does happen, but it is obviously extremely rare. So I find it very dickey when bands, in the name of being artists, decide that instead of giving their fans 3 good songs out of 15, why not give them 6 good songs out of 30?

If I brought home a history test in grade school and got 6 questions out of 30 right and the other 24 wrong, my parents would be disappointed. Because that is an “F”.

Why not just make the fucking greatest album ever that only has 6 songs? Why not? Who says you have to have over 10 songs to make an album?

So think back at some of the double albums of the last 30 – 45 years and ask yourself how many where necessary? And how many were self indulgent, “this sounded like a great idea when we were high and jamming in the studio , and talking about how we were going to change the world, but now I’m embarrassed that we decided to devote an entire other album on top of the one we already have in the can so we can include songs like the piece of shit we just recorded,” moments.

Stadium Arcadium. I’m sure we’re all going to be telling our kids 20 years from now where we were and what we were doing the summer this album came out. I already forgot.

In Your Honor. How about just making one good album? Acoustic OR electric.

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Use Your Illusion I and II. Look I admit “November Rain” still gets me misty eyed but only a couple songs earlier is “Back off Bitch.”

I know what you’re saying. What about the classics? Pink Floyd’s The Wall? The White Album? Prince’s Sign O’ the Times?

And yes, these are in fact very good albums, some of which I own and enjoy. But even with these double albums it’s hard to justify their length. And you can easily point to songs that just plain suck:

The Wall (easily the most egomaniacal album in history – some good songs but really, Roger Waters needs to calm the fuck down and learn how to edit). We get it’s a concept album, but songs like, “Empty Spaces.” Really? Pretty sure we didn’t need that one.

The White Album. “Obla-di, Obla-da”. I think I just proved my point.

Sign O’ the Times. I love Prince and a strong album…but still the rule applies in my opinion . Pretty much take side three, throw in “Starfish and Coffee” and “Housequake”…and boom a much better album.

I’m sure I’ll take shit for ripping on some of the “classic” albums, but I really do believe less is more. Think of any solid double album and then tell me it wouldn’t be better condensed into one.

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Prince, for the past 15 years or so, I’ve done nothing but defend you and explain your idiotic decisions and dumb ass behavior on you just being a misunderstood, eccentric genius. But now I’m done, I’ve given up on you, from now on you are on your own in your little, purple, Jehovah Witness world. You have finally gone too far. On a November 24th interview with the New Yorker you stated, “you’ve got the Democrats, and they’re, like, ‘You can do whatever you want.’ Gay marriage, whatever. But neither of them is right.” Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ” You’re right Mr. Lovesexy, enough, get in your little red corvette and get the hell out of here. This is Reason #1 as to why you are dismissed.

But that is just the tip at the top of your dismissed list. You are further dismissed for the following offences…
Reason #2: In the early 90’s you brought Carmen Electra into the celebrity world by sleeping with her and letting her record a piece of shit album.
Reason # 3: You faked being gay and bisexual on various songs and albums throughout the 80’s, playing up your mysterious “am I straight or gay” sexuality to help sell your music and your image at a time when it was trendy to do so.
Reason #4: You wrote ‘slave’ on your cheek for a year in the 90’s to protest the way you felt your record label was treating you. You did this as you continued to drive around in your fancy cars, live in mansions, date beautiful woman and live the glamorous life.
Reason #5: You released crap after crap album in the 90’s…Come, The Love Symbol Album, Chaos & Disorder, etc…claiming it was because you were trying to get out of your record contract. Then when you got out of that contract you continued to release crap.
Reason #6: I bought every one of those crap albums because I believed in you.
Reason #7: You released an album, Lovesexy, with your ugly ass naked body posed in flowers on the cover and made the album all one track forcing listeners to have to listen to the album as one song rather than giving the listener the ability to hear individual tracks.
Reason #8: You blatantly overused the color purple.
Reason #9: You recorded with Sheryl Crow.
Reason #10: You changed your name to an unpronounceable symbol and refused to be called Prince by anyone but would accept the title of ‘The Artist Formally Known As Prince.”
Reason #11: You beat up woman in the movie Purple Rain
Reason #12: You made the unwatchable follow-up movie to Purple Rain called Graffiti Bridge
Reason #13: Batdance

Fuck You Prince, You Are Dismissed!

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