Anyone got any nail clippers?

There is nothing attractive, hunky or swooning about him.  He doesn’t have six pack abs and pouty lips.  He isn’t waxing his chest and banging Angelina Jolie.  A real vampire is a creepy old weirdo who wears buttoned-up mortuary salesman suits, stalks you at night then kills you unwillingly by biting the crap out of your jugular. There have been people who for decades now, either actually believe they are vampires or try to be them.  They even go so far as to have implants on their teeth. 

Yah, I live at home - how'd you know?

Fuck, I remember when I was 19 yrs. old and underage I snuck into the Rainbow Room on Sunset and we found this creepy little room at the top of this little staircase in the back.  And inside sitting on benches around the walls were these people dressed up all 80s vampire-y and not making a sound.  Not talking, laughing or even getting fucked up on cheap booze.  The sign outside said ‘Beware Of Hollywood Vampires’.  Then, the bouncer who was supposed to be guarding their little vampire room came in and kicked us out. 

Seriously folks, what is up with the vampire wanna-bes?  You even try to drink blood like it really will make you immortal but it doesn’t.  It just makes you idiotic and disgusting.  Go find a chick on her period and at least make an effort for somebody, ok?  It’s like dumb, white, bored people can’t think of anything else to do and are unhappy with their lame white lives and have to invent these fantasy lives for themselves.  And now, we have to suffer through these people making watered-down, vanilla vampire movies and TV shows that teenage girls angst over.  I mean ‘Twilight’?  You could not pay me in enough man-whores to make me go see that tween wet dream.

Even Anne Rice, fuck you – you’re an overrated writer and your characters suck, and not just blood.  They suck tranny vampire cock.  Now THAT would at least be interesting, and maybe even a little frightening.    Now it’s ‘True Blood’ on HBO.  Please.  I like my vampires ugly, deranged and pissed off as they should be.  They are evil predators of our dreams and need to stay that way. 

Don’t get them all sexed up and worked out – what, did Prince suddenly get a hold of all vampire rights and is churning this shit out?  Next thing you know, all vampires will be wearing purple satin jumpsuits with platform heels and spouting off about gay marriage being wrong.  Yes, I made a connection between Prince and vampires.  Fuck Prince too!  (see other dismissed blog on Prince by MakeYourBananaCry) He used to be a god but crumbled at the altar of mediocrity many years ago.  Just like the evil that used to be vampire.  Hot mainstream vampires:  get back into your Dolce & fucking Gabbana crypts, you’re dismissed.

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Just be a little more responsible…and honest.  That’s all I’m asking.  I don’t like pulling out of your meat curtains and seeing that my baby arm has turned red.  You know when your period is over,  let’s not play dumb anymore.  Okay?  Thanks a lot.

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Peta listen up, sex isn’t saving animals. Objectifying women only worked for Princes’ career, it doesn’t save cows.

Your endless ads with half naked women isn’t getting anyone to ditch their meat eating diets. Your childish over sexed actions only turn people off to the ultimate message.

Banned 2009 Super Bowl Commercial, Which I’m sure never intended to actually make it to air.

The work you could be doing to properly educate youth about factory farming and other animal exploits are lost on the dead eyes and ears of unresponsive audiences.  It upsets me that you upset everyone across the board, and the ones who suffer the most are the animals you think you are protecting.

Sometimes you have to fight the evils of the world with brains, not boobs. Peta, You have been dismissed.

Peta, take a long look in the mirror, put your clothes on and think about education and not nipples.

You are dismissed.

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hurts so good

(note: this was originally titled “Small, Sad Pussy: you have been DISMISSED”)

I know you love me. You tell me all the fuckin’ time. I know, you know.

WE KNOW.

When I’m love/hate-fucking you to the ends of the Earth, something strange happens: you CRY.

“You OK?”

“Don’t stop, Daddy. Don’t stopppp!”

This makes Daddy feel WEIRD. It’s not insensitivity. Rape? Abuse?

Are you thinking about the ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan?

OR

“I think I hit your dog..with my SWORD..”

THE TEARS COME..Is my fist a magic wand?

A magic carpet taking you straight to your deepest, most painful memories? Is this a “good hurt”?

I’m weirded out. And I’m projecting. Crying during sex: you have been DISMISSED.

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Inventor Le Trung, 33, created Aiko, said to be “in her 20s” with a stunning 32, 23, 33 figure, shiny hair and delicate features. Pfft, she’s not a day over 14 you sick bastard. We all want the perfect mate, sure. But spending $25,000 to make a robot who will still complain when you try to feel her up? Perhaps Le Trung should would have been wiser to spend that chunk of change on a real doll, or maybe even a hooker.

“We’re monogomoous, and she’s made me go to church and stop watching porn.” Great, so you’ve built a robot to help you find Jesus? My coworker could have done that for you for free. Although, I do plan on using the “it still hurts where you touched me before” line sometime in the near future.

(click for larger versions, it’s worth the read).

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Meat Hat:

Morning Wood affects all men who don’t have to pop [Viagra] like its hot.

Sure, boners are cool, but they are not cool when peeing, at work, in class, driving, or waking up with strangers in alley ways.

Nocturnal penile tumescence is the science word for this nuisance.  Basically, blood has to flow to the mans purpose  to keep it from falling off.

Dudes can get boners whenever they feel like it, they however can’t help morning wood, and the worst part is, it doesn’t always happen right when you wake up. In college I remember having to TUCK it up into my belt while walking to class. Sometimes at work I’ll get them, but at least I have a desk to shield myself.

But for me, I hate morning wood boner sex [i may be alone on this]. Sex is like pizza, even a bad piece of sex is some pretty good sex. But, morning wood sex is like ordering someone else wiener out on lone to fuck. Sure its hard, but it doesn’t feel the same. Its like cheating your brain or something. So, I wish I could just get on with  my day and not have to worry when I’m going to stand at attention.

While I appreciate Boners, I dismiss Morning Wood.

Bonus: People in the UK call it Morning Glory. Which to me makes that Oasis song a lot cooler.

For your enjoyment, Turbo Negro’s – I got an erection.  Music video by YOUTH.

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Question. Does anyone over 16 actually use Trojan’s anymore?  Worst. Condom. Ever.

How come they are the only condom manufacturer that has seemingly embraced the smell of rubber?  Rub it into their consumers faces even: we’re going to make your dick smell like a fucking Goodyear tire and you’re going to use it anyway, because we’re Trojan and we spend a lot on advertising. 

You rip open Trojan’s and suddenly your entire bedroom (or wherever you’re fucking) reeks of rubber.  You and your partner pretend to ignore the putrid scent because you are both horny and want to finish, but it’s always in the back of your head – no matter how hot the situation is or horny you are.  Not to mention both of your privates now taste like latex.  Thanks Trojan. 

Beyond the aroma,  they break more than any other condom I have ever used.  And it has nothing to do with your penis size, they’re just shitty condoms.  They slip, break, and just plain cum (not how I intended to spell “come”, Freudian slip, but seems appropriate so I’ll keep it) off sometimes.

So next time you’re about to strap on a Trojan, think about slowly grinding and pulsating against a car tire.  Then kissing that tire and gliding your hands over its treads.  Then imagine setting that tire on fire.  And through the choking black smoke, imagine yourself fucking that tire.

Not very hot, right?

For anyone sexually active, or creepy weird guys that masturbate with a condom on, I recommend Durex.  They have never slipped off on me, or broken.  And they seem to be one of the few condom companies that realizes the whole not-wanting-to-smell-like-a-car-after-sex thing.

When was the last time you have seen a Durex commercial?

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